


My Destination

by heartsdesire456



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Artists, Angst, Artist Gerard, Divorce, First Love, M/M, Marriage, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:46:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 52,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard always knew he wasn't like other boys. At fifteen, he met Ray Toro, the first boy he would ever love. At eighteen, Ray and Gerard got married, convinced they would have an amazing life together in the big city. However, after only two years of marriage, Ray's unhappiness led to a divorce at a tragically young age. Alone, heartbroken, and depressed, Gerard's life spiraled into a period of darkness that consumed most of his early adulthood. Thirteen years later, several years into his recovery from his mid-twenties addictions, thirty-four year old Gerard Way finds his new, successful, happy life rocked by the discovery that his divorce that led him down his path of darkness to begin with wasn't legal. Faced with the task of hiding this information from the evergrowing attentionn his art was recieving, as well as rectifying the mistake, Gerard is forced to find and face the man he had long buried in the dark recesses of his memory. When the two end up having to spend five weeks together until the divorce can be done correctly, will the awkwardness drive them both crazy, or will the time spent together after so long cause old feelings to resurface?</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Destination

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for BBB 2011. It was never very popular but it is without a doubt one of my top 5 fics I've ever written as far as emotions, creativity, and overall FEELS! I LOVE THIS STORY. I LOVE THESE CHARACTERS! I was so bummed it wasn't too popular but not surprised. This pairing is never popular.

Gerard frowned at the lawyer’s email. “Wait, what?” he mumbled. He refreshed the email but it still read the same. He looked up and grabbed his phone. “Stacey,” he said as soon as his assistant answered.

“What now, Gerard?” she asked. “I’m on my way, okay? I got stuck in traffic but I’m almost there with your damn coffee-“

“Stacey, what’s my lawyer’s number?” he asked in a rush, looking for his card as he riffled through his messy desk.

There was a pause. “What did you do, Gerard?” she asked in a put upon voice.

He scoffed, walking around his desk to riffle beneath some notes and a few file folders. “Nothing! I just… okay, remember that whole ‘performance art’ debacle a few months back that I got sued for and then I thought I was gonna get like… arrested and die in prison?” he asked.

She snorted. “You mean the time you didn’t sleep for five days straight and started spouting really WEIRD things?” she asked.

Gerard huffed. “Okay, yeah, maybe arrested and dying in prison were sleep deprivation, but anyways, remember how I told you I was gonna marry you so that you would get all my stuff when I died?” he said.

She snickered. “Yeah, then I reminded you that you’re gay as hell. What’s this all about, Gerard?” she asked with a curious lilt to her voice.

Gerard chuckled slightly. “Well, I got my lawyer to draw up a marriage license that night before you talked me down,” he said.

“Yeah, I heard. What’s up?” she asked.

Gerard bit his lip. “Well… I just got an email saying that according to the public records when he went in to make sure nobody found out I’d drawn up an unfiled marriage license…” he flinched. “Well, you know how I told you I’m divorced?” he tried.

“Yeah, it came up once, why?”

“According to public records, I’m not divorced,” he said flatly.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard always knew he wasn’t like other boys. He knew from early in his life that the way he looked at boys was closer to the way girls did. In the ninth grade, his first semester of high school, Gerard got used to being called a ‘fag’ and being picked on for his clothes, his hair, his excess body fat, even though he didn’t do anything to earn the teasing. He didn’t even talk to people.

However, the spring of his ninth grade year he was close to getting his weekly ass-kicking from the boys on the lacrosse team when one of the other guys running around the track for gym spotted them shoving him down and ran over. 

_“Haha, the fat fag caused an earthquake!” one boy sneered as Gerard lay on the ground with a bloody lip from being slapped earlier and an aching ass from landing on it when they pushed him down._

_“Oh no, look out Australia!” one cried and they all laughed at Gerard’s expense._

_“Hey, what are you guys doing?” Gerard looked up in surprise as he heard a soft voice, thinking someone was about to get their ass kicked as well, only to spot a large guy coming over._

_The boy was tall, broad, and actually sticking up for Gerard. The other boys turned to him and Gerard could even see where their minds were going. On the one hand, he was chubby, wore glasses, and had short, frizzy hair. On the other hand, he was totally bigger than they all were._

_“Um, lets get to class,” one boy suggested and the others all grumbled agreements and walked off, though the last one did aim one last kick to Gerard, who cried out, grabbing his side in pain._

_“HEY!” the tall boy cried before rushing over to kneel down beside Gerard. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked._

_Gerard cringed. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he said, standing up. He brushed grass off his gym shorts and groaned as his side throbbed. “Fuck,” he moaned, cringing. “Thanks,” he said weakly, still breathing hard._

_The boy shrugged. “It’s okay, those guys are jerks.” He smiled a surprisingly gentle smile for a boy so big. “I’m Ray,” he said and Gerard chuckled, shaking his head as he pushed his bangs from his face._

_“Gerard,” he said, offering a hand._

_Ray smiled as he took it. “Nice to meet you, Gerard.”_

Gerard and Ray soon found they were interested in a lot of the same things. It became clear soon enough that Gerard had somewhat developed a tiny (or if he was honest, super massive) crush on his best (and only) friend. They both really stuck to each other for the most part, no matter what. It was in their junior year that they developed a ‘group’ of friends once Gerard’s little brother and his brother’s best friend started hanging out with them. The two freshmen were always off chasing girls and Ray often lamented to Gerard that it wasn’t fair that the pair of them were both able to get girlfriends their first semester and he and Gerard had yet to so much as get a single date their whole high school career so far.

When prom came around, the juniors and seniors all exploded in excitement about who they were going to prom with. Mikey and Frank started trying to set them up with girls to take, but the attractive ones never gave them a second glance and even the computer geek girls just offered to go out of sympathy. It was actually Ray who suggested they should just go together. 

Gerard expected it to be just as friends, obviously, but Ray surprised him. When he showed up to pick Gerard up, before they had to deal with Gerard’s mother and her thousand photos and Mikey’s laughing himself sick, Ray had given him the flower to go in his jacket lapel with a blush. 

Gerard could remember clearly that night because it was the first time he realized Ray had been looking at him the same way he looked at Ray. Ray hadn’t acted on his crush, just as Gerard never had, but Gerard noticed the way Ray kept complimenting him and treating him like it was a date. It was only weeks later that Gerard had accidentally made the first move… sort of.

_Gerard looked up from his spot on his bed, drawing a doodle rather than studying for his finals, when he heard Ray’s familiar footsteps coming down the stairs. “Gerard, tell me you have the notes from Biology,” he said, then rolled his eyes when he came into view, spotting Gerard decidedly not studying. “Gerard, we have to pass these finals so we can graduate next year.”_

_Gerard looked up as Ray sat down on his bed with his backpack. “Do you think I took_ a _note in biology?” he asked pointedly and Ray sighed._

_“Come on, we’re expected to know the entire plant reproductive system and all I know is the pistol. You took the notes that day, I made you,” he accused._

_Gerard snorted. “I was too busy imagining some fucked up human-mutant plant monster and I drew it,” he said, then flipped back a few pages. “See, you talk about plant-sex and I give you artwork of ‘when plant sex goes wrong’,” he said, holding it up. “Maybe that will help you remember the other parts?” he tried._

_Ray looked at the sketch and raised an eyebrow. “This is a naked guy with leaves for hair and like… roots for legs,” he accused._

_Gerard smirked. “Exactly!”_

_Ray frowned. “Is that_ my _face on him?” he asked and Gerard blushed._

_“Well… you were sitting right beside me!” he said._

_Ray laughed suddenly. “Dude, Gee, you drew me naked as a plant,” he said. “And am I eating a bunny?!” he tried, then curled over on his side, laughing into Gerard’s shoulder._

_Gerard glowered. “Hey, it’s a squirrel!” he argued, snatching his drawing pad back. “Fucker.”_

_Ray smiled up at him. “No, no, it’s good! I’m just stuck on imagining the nightmares you probably had picturing me naked is all,” he said and Gerard flushed bright red, ducking his head. Ray’s laughs trailed off. “Uh… you didn’t actually…” Gerard just turned redder. “You had-um- you’ve pictured me naked?” he asked, voice getting tight._

_Gerard shrugged. “Um, maybe?” he tried, cringing._

_“Wow, that must’ve sucked.”_

_Gerard frowned, turning to look at Ray, who was making a face. “Wait, huh?”_

_Ray shrugged awkwardly. “You know, picturing me naked… not exactly the highest body on anybody’s list of ‘people I want to imagine naked’, am I?” he said sheepishly._

_Gerard just stared. “Dude… dude, you realize you’re like… attractive and stuff.”_

_Ray frowned. “So you pictured me naked and it_ wasn’t _a nightmare?” he asked._

_Gerard felt his cheeks heating but figured with the way Ray was eyeing him in confusion if there was ever a time to go for it, it was now. “It was kinda the opposite of a nightmare,” he said softly, biting his lip._

_Ray blinked. “Wait… huh?” he asked, sitting up._

_Gerard sat up fully, turning to face Ray. “Well… I just…” he ducked his head. “You’re… hot,” he said, making a face. “Um, oh yeah, I should mention that I like boys,” he added shyly._

_Ray snickered, rolling his eyes. “Duh, you really think I hadn’t figured out that you’re gayer than your brother?” he asked and Gerard snorted._

_“Mikey’s not gay-“_

_“Bullshit,” Ray scoffed and Gerard squawked._

_“Hey, when did this turn into ‘the Ways are gay’ discussion? We’re talking about my sex-dreams, not my brother’s sexuality!” he said indignantly, then froze when he saw Ray freeze. “Uh-“_

_“You had… you had a sex-dream with me naked in it?” he asked, cheeks showing spots of pink._

_Gerard cringed, ducking his head. “Um… yeah?” he tried with an apologetic ‘don’t hate me’ lilt to his voice. He stared down at his lap for a while. “I just… you’re kinda attractive and even if you weren’t, you’re pretty much awesome and you are sorta really nice and I can’t-“_

_“Oh thank God!” Gerard looked up, eyebrows near his hairline in shock, mouth already open to ask ‘what the fuck’, only to be cut off by lips to his. He squawked but it was swallowed as Ray pushed Gerard down on his back, tongue swiping along the seam of his lips, dipping shallowly into his mouth. Gerard whimpered helplessly and went with it. Gerard was just getting into it when Ray suddenly snatched back, pale faced and wide eyed. “Oh my God, oh shit, I’m sorry!” he squeaked. “Shit, fuck, you just- I didn’t even- you can’t actually like me you can’t help your dreams-“_

_Gerard whined. “Shut up and kiss me, you bastard,” he said, then grabbed the front of Ray’s shirt and dragged him back down. “Shut up you idiot, I’ve had it so bad for you, you don’t even know,” he spat out, then proceeded to shut Ray up himself._

That afternoon a few things happened. First, it was kind of a long-time coming, which they later admitted to only because they knew they could trust the other not to laugh. Second, Gerard’s mother found out he was gay as she walked in on him and Ray sitting on the bed half-way making out. Third, Mikey and Frank both pissed themselves laughing when, after dinner, they walked in on Gerard and Ray curled up on the couch full-on making out in front of a television playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That summer several more things happened in that Gerard started really considering pursuing art, Ray started to really consider pursuing music, and Mikey informed everybody that he was only half as gay as Gerard. Gerard also could think back on that summer as the one where he realized he was in love. All through senior year, Ray and Gerard stayed simply best friends to the public, but behind closed doors they were both willing to throw out their lingering masculinity (like Gerard ever had any to begin with) and act exactly like what they were: young people in love. They spent most afternoons in Gerard’s basement doing both best friend things, such as helping with homework and schooling each other at trading card games, and boyfriend things, such as apologizing for the schooling with heated kisses and, when Gerard was sure his mom wasn’t going to come down for anything, making love late into the evening.

However, come spring, they both had to step outside their high school romance and realize that Gerard’s acceptance letter to NYU meant a really big change was coming. The day he got accepted into the art program at NYU, his mother cried, Mikey wanted to go around the neighborhood shoving it in the face of every neighbor who thought Gerard was going to spend his whole life in their mom’s basement, and Gerard felt like his entire face was going to break from smiling.

However, when Ray got to the house and found them celebrating, Gerard’s ecstatic mood evaporated despite the thrill still swimming throughout the rest of the home’s inhabitants.

_Gerard looked at the paper in his hand and then up at Ray, who was walking over to stand beside him. “DUDE!” Mikey cried, jumping on Ray, who didn’t even stumble (A summer and fall working in his uncle’s shop unloading trucks had shifted Ray from awkward and pudgy to somewhat slim and toned… Gerard totally approved)._

_“What?” Ray asked, raising an eyebrow at Mikey._

_“GERARD GOT INTO NYU!” he screamed, then lunged at Gerard, who caught him in a hug. “Oh my God, I’m so proud of you, Gee,” he said, squeezing him. “Oh my God, my big brother is going to college!” he said proudly._

_Ray’s face lit up. “Gerard!” he cried, stealing him from Mikey to wrap up in a hug. “Oh my God, Gee, that’s amazing, dude,” he said, looking down at him. “Fuck, I’m so proud, baby,” he said softly, kissing the top of his head as he held him._

_Gerard, however, could only focus on the fact that, no matter how close they were, there was no way around it: he would be moving to New York in less than six months and Ray would still be in Belleville._

_Later that night, Gerard looked up during the movie and bit his lip. “So, I’m thinking of maybe… um… putting off college for a while,” he said softly._

_Ray frowned as he turned to him. “What? Gee, are you crazy? You just got accepted to an amazing program,” he said, looking at him._

_Gerard cringed. “You’ll call me stupid if I say it, Ray, but trust me, there’s… I’m just not sure I’m ready,” he said, shrugging as he laced his fingers with Ray’s._

_Ray rolled his eyes. “Gerard, come on, you’re the most talented artist I know,” he said, raising their hands to press a kiss to Gerard’s fingers._

_Gerard smiled. “I’m the only artist you know,” he said, then bit his lip. “It’s just… New York’s… New York,” he said simply._

_Ray smiled. “I told you you’d get your ass out of this dump, Gee,” he said, smiling. “Come on, you’ll love New York! You’ll have more stuff to do, more places to go, you’ll meet people who get you finally, there will be tons of new friends and beautiful people…” He trailed off and Gerard gave him a nod._

_“Tons of people who aren’t my friends. Who aren’t my family,” he said, then rolled his eyes. “Who aren’t you,” he added softly._

_Ray shrugged with an uneasy smile. “Well, it’ll be okay, you know?” he said. He bit his lip. “New York isn’t far,” he said._

_Gerard sighed. “Ray-“_

_“Gerard, come on,” he said, shaking his head. “This is your big shot,” he suggested. He shook his head with a sad smile. “I’m sure everybody will be able to come see you often enough. Besides, you could come home for the weekend sometimes.”_

Gerard had let it go after that, but after graduation, he noticed the change in Ray. Ray seemed to always look at him like it was the last time he’d be able to see his face. It scared Gerard. He knew that it would be hard for him and Ray to keep their relationship going over a long distance. He hated to think what those glances Ray kept sending him might be. He wanted to think they read ‘I’ll miss this’, but in his heart, he almost knew they were reading ‘goodbye’.

The night before he was meant to leave to head up and move into the apartment he was renting, Ray took him out to dinner. He was so sure a goodbye was coming. He was terrified Ray was going to say he couldn’t trust Gerard in New York without him and that it would be best if they broke up.

He could _feel_ the pain already beginning inside of him as Ray started acting fidgety through dinner. He tried to keep the stream of conversation going in hopes of not letting Ray say a word to keep him from saying goodbye.

_”And then he hit it with-“_

_“Gerard,” Ray cut him off. Gerard looked up, eyes widening as he saw a look of supreme nervousness on Ray’s face. “Look, I want- I need to get this out,” he said and Gerard felt his hands start to shake and his clothes were suddenly too hot and his lungs were unable to take in enough oxygen. “The thing is… well, you’re moving to New York tomorrow. I know it’s not far and we said it wouldn’t be a problem, because we love each other and the distance can’t stop that,” he said and Gerard felt his eyes start to burn and a lump building in his throat._

_“Ray-“_

_Ray waved a hand. “Please let me just- just get this over with,” he said, swallowing hard. “I know we’re too young-“_

_Gerard shook his head. “Ray, no,” he tried, voice somewhat shrill._

_Ray nodded. “We really are, Gee. We’re too young for this- to deal with this-“_

_“Ray, it’s okay-“_

_“Gerard, I have to- I wanted to-“_

_“Ray-“ Gerard tried desperately, only to see the resolution in Ray’s eyes as he looked up. He felt his heart shattering as Ray parted his lips and got ready to say what Gerard knew would be the worst thing he ever would hear._

_Ray took a breath and spoke quickly. “Gerard, will you marry me?” he said in a rush._

_Gerard just froze. His heart was still kinda in the process of falling to pieces, so it took a moment for it to sweep itself up, duct-tape itself back together, go over the cracks with sandpaper to smooth out the rough edges, and only then was it able to swell and glow and paint on a fucking smiley face. Gerard finally caught up with the moment and let out a shaking breath. “What?”_

_Ray bit his lip, smiling nervously. “Will you marry me?” he repeated and Gerard let out a sharp laugh which was quickly followed by more uproarious and somewhat mindless laughter. Ray’s smile slipped and he frowned. “Uh… Gee?” Gerard smacked the table, doubling over as tears slid from his eyes with mirth. Ray glanced around, glaring slightly. “Gerard, I’m serious, damn it-“_

_Gerard cut off his angry retort. “No, no, Ray-“ he took a rough breath, full scale beaming. “I thought you were trying to break up with me,” he said and Ray’s brow furrowed._

_“What?! The fuck would I do that for?” he asked._

_Gerard rolled his eyes, gesticulating wildly. “Well I’m moving to New York and going to NYU and there will be all these new people and hot dudes-“ Ray glared. “And I thought you were like… like trying to tell me you wanted to break up rather than deal with the distance cause you can’t trust me that far or some bullshit-“_

_“Is that what you think we should do?!” Ray asked in a slightly panicked voice._

_Gerard shook his head rapidly, throwing out his hands. “NO!” he said, then took a breath. “What I’m saying is, I’m sitting here shitting myself cause my boyfriend’s about to leave me and I was sort of dying on the inside all night so far cause I was waiting on the bomb to drop and then right when I think it’s coming- BOOM! Total opposite,” he said, and then flushed as he beamed scarily huge. “Oh yeah, yes, by the way,” he said._

_Ray looked like it took a minute for him to catch up with Gerard but if the growing smile was anything to go by, he at least understood the last part. “Yes?” he asked._

_Gerard nodded, beaming. “Hell yes!”_

_Ray beamed and leaned across the table, tugging Gerard into a pretty failed kiss, seeing as they were too busy smiling to really kiss much. “Fuck, Gee,” he said, pressing their foreheads together._

_Gerard just laughed happily at the bright smile on Ray’s face and thought ‘I’m gonna marry you’._

Ray joined Gerard in New York a few days after they became engaged. They married a few weeks later in a tiny ceremony back home before Gerard’s courses got too involved so that the wedding distractions wouldn’t get in the way of his studies. Ray got a job working at a small ‘hole in the wall’ bar helping serve drinks and generally help out the lady that owned the place and Gerard threw himself into his studies.

For a long time, everything was practically perfect.

It wasn’t until well into his third year at NYU that Gerard began to notice how genuinely unhappy Ray seemed to be. He had classes and people to do projects with and a bunch of school and art-related things to do so he was busy a lot. He came home most nights and Ray would already be home and getting ready for bed. He knew they didn’t get to spend a lot of time together, but when they did Ray seemed fine.

It wasn’t until one day he got out of class early and came home early that he overheard Ray on the phone and realized how bad it had gotten.

_Gerard was about to slide his key into the lock when he heard Ray’s voice inside. He frowned and paused, leaning against the door._

_“No, it’s nothing to do with Gerard,” Ray’s voice said. He couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation but his name was enough to catch his attention. “No, I can’t just go home. My parents and his family are pretty close, everybody will blame me.”_

_Gerard frowned more as he listened harder. “No, that’s the thing. I just don’t want to ruin his dream.” There was a pause. “NO! Look, I told you this only because when I do leave I’m not going home.”_

_Gerard panicked at the words ‘leave’ and unlocked the door. As he walked in, Ray looked up mid-step and froze. “Gee!” he said and Gerard crossed his arms. He frowned. “What?”_

_“Who’s on the phone?” he asked suspiciously._

_Ray paled. “Bob, I’ll call you back.” He hung up and ducked his head. “How much did you hear?”_

_Gerard bit his lip, arms wrapped around himself. “Enough,” he said softly. He looked up. “So… the fuck?” he asked weakly._

_Ray groaned, shaking his head, tossing his hair somewhat. Since they met, Ray’s hair had grown so much that it was practically an afro. Gerard loved it usually but currently it just pissed him off at how he thought ‘aww cute’ when he was freaking the fuck out. “Look, Gerard, it’s not about you-“_

_“I’m your husband, if you go anywhere, it sort of is about me,” he pointed out, glaring. “Are you- is it… did I do something?” he asked weakly._

_Ray shook his head sadly. “No,” he said, then sighed. “Look, I love you, Gee-“_

_“Then why are you talking about going somewhere?!” he demanded shakily. He saw Ray wince._

_“Gee… I don’t_ know _I’m going anywhere. I just… I’m thinking about it,” he admitted._

_Gerard looked away. “Ray, talk to me.”_

_Ray walked over and leaned against the wall beside Gerard. “I just… I’m dying here, Gee,” he said, biting his lip. He sighed, putting his head in his hands. “I hate everything about this place,” he admitted._

_Gerard blinked. “Why haven’t you said anything?” he asked. “I mean… we could do something different. We could move-“_

_“You’re starting an internship soon,” he pointed out. He sighed. “You are happy here. I’m not,” he said. “Your life is _here_ , Gerard.”_

_Gerard shook his head. “You are my life, Ray,” he stressed._

_Ray shook his head. “Gerard, look.” He walked past him, pacing. “I hate New York. I hate my job. I_ hate _these people and all this shit. I hate your friends, I hate your classmates, I hate basically every second of the day that doesn’t involve you and me alone,” he admitted._

_Gerard shrugged. “We’ll spend more time together. You can get a new job. We can- we can try something out-“_

_Ray shook his head. “You’re not spending time away from me on purpose, you’re busy living your dream and I’d never try and take that from you,” he said._

_Gerard whimpered, feeling his throat closing. “Ray, you can’t leave,” he whispered weakly._

_Ray bit his lip. “Gee, the fact of it is that you are happy. You’re living your dream. You are going to be a star some day, okay?” he said, walking over. He slid his arms around Gerard, who clung to him. “But I can’t be here, okay?” he said, and Gerard sniffled, wincing when he felt Ray swallow hard. “I love you more than anything, don’t think it’s you, please,” he said weakly._

_“Then we’ll go together,” Gerard said, pressing his face into Ray’s shoulder. “We’ll- I’ll drop out. We can move and start over.”_

_Ray chuckled wetly. “Gee, you don’t want that,” he said and Gerard whined._

_“No,” he admitted. He pulled back, looking up at him. “I don’t,” he admitted. “But I don’t want to lose you even more,” he pleaded._

_Ray smiled sadly. “Gee… I can’t let you do that,” he said and Gerard was horrified as he watched a tear sliding down Ray’s cheek. Ray never cried. Ray crying made it all too real._

_“Ray-“_

_“I had divorce papers drawn up ages ago, I just keep telling myself I can’t do it,” Ray admitted, stroking Gerard’s hair back, looking at him with a resigned look as that damned tear slowly made its way down his cheek. “I’ve been thinking about it a long time.”_

_Gerard just let out a rough breath. “Ray-“_

_“Gerard,” he said firmly and finally. He kissed him tenderly. “I love you so much more than you can imagine. I am pretty sure I always will,” he said softly, then swallowed hard when his breath caught. “But I can’t take this life anymore, but I can’t let you throw away your dream for me.”_

_“But I love you,” Gerard said weakly, voice pained as he looked up at him. “I love you so much, Ray,” he choked out, sucking hard on his bottom lip._

_Ray nodded, making a pained face as he fought back tears. “I know. That’s why I kept trying to stick it out,” he said tightly. “But- but I can’t.” He shook his head, pressing their foreheads together as he held Gerard. “I can’t be happy here, like this. You can’t be happy anywhere else. You will never be happy with your life if you leave this dream. You will regret it forever. Do you get it, baby? Do you understand what I’m saying? I can’t stay here and suffer like this.”_

_Gerard let out a broken sound and nodded. “I don’t want you to have to,” he squeaked, then let out a soft sob. “I’m sorry,” he cried, throwing himself into Ray’s arms. “I’m so sorry, Ray.”_

_Ray crushed his eyes shut, letting his tears fall into his husband’s hair. “Me too, Gee. I’m sorry I can’t-“_

_“Same here,” Gerard said, then pulled back, wiping at his face. “I love you too much to make you suffer for me,” he whispered._

_Ray nodded. “The same here. I can’t let you give up your dream for me.”_

_Gerard just covered his mouth, turning to walk into the kitchen. Ray stared after him and then turned away, heading to his backpack to pull out the divorce papers. He looked at them for a long time before grabbing a pen and heading to the kitchen after Gerard._

_After they signed the papers, they had sat down to talk about what would happen and how they would settle their affairs. Ray didn’t want anything. He didn’t want half their stuff, he didn’t want any sort of divorce battle over money, he just wanted to leave. He wanted to pack up his clothes and things and go and not look back. Gerard knew he wasn’t the only one that felt like it was wrong to not fight to make it all better. He knew looking at him that Ray didn’t want to leave anymore than Gerard didn’t want him to. It hurt so bad but the logical part of Gerard understood why it had to happen._

_His heart just didn’t want to understand._

_That night they made love one last time, putting every ounce of their hearts into it because they knew it was all going to be over tomorrow. They fell asleep tangled up in each other, both trying to pretend nothing was going to change. When Gerard got up for class, he looked over at Ray, who was still sleeping, and kissed his sleeping lips goodbye. He sat down at the table and ignored his breakfast as he fought the part of him that wanted to go back to bed and make everything have been a dream._

_Ray was still asleep when he had to leave and as much as he wanted a goodbye, he figured it was really for the best. He made sure every line on the papers was signed before laying it on the kitchen counter. He looked down at his finger and closed his eyes as he pulled off his wedding band. He laid it on top of the papers and then quickly grabbed his keys and his bag, rushing from the apartment._

_Gerard went about his day like nothing had changed. When he got home, he took a breath and opened the door. There was a part of him that refused to believe Ray would be gone. There was a part of him that knew his husband would be waiting on him._

_However, as he walked in he immediately saw that Ray’s game console wasn’t by the television. He walked to the kitchen and saw that Ray’s coffee mug was gone from the counter. He saw that the divorce papers were gone as well._

_He closed his eyes and took a breath before heading to the bedroom. When he got there, his heart finally broke. All of Ray’s things were gone. His clothes were gone. His extra glasses weren’t on the table. The closet door hung open and Gerard only saw his clothes. He felt numb._

_He walked over to look closer, only to spot an envelope on the desk. He walked over and grabbed the envelope, feeling his eyes burning as he saw his name written in Ray’s messy scrawl on the outside. He opened it and took out the paper inside. There were only eight words written in the middle of the page._

__I will always love you. Don’t forget me. __

_Gerard felt something else in the envelope and he dumped it out, only to let out a soft sob as his wedding band fell out, landing in his palm. Gerard put both the letter and the ring back in the envelope, put them in the desk drawer, and promptly threw himself onto the bed as he began to cry. He tried to restrain himself at first, only to have all of the pain break free when he put his face on the pillow._

_It still smelled like Ray._  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard sat across from his lawyer with a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach. “So…” Gerard flinched as his voice cracked. “So you’re saying that for the last thirteen years I’ve thought I’m a divorcee, I’ve been married?” he asked.

He nodded. “Yep. I can’t find any record of those divorce papers being filed.” He shrugged. “Obviously your ex-husband… I mean,” he snickered. “Your husband obviously hasn’t remarried or else this would’ve been discovered when he tried to get married,” he said. “If something went wrong and neither of you ever heard about it or had any legal run-ins that brought up the fact you’re married still, I guess you’d never know,” he said.

Gerard just flinched. “So I’ve been married fifteen years and only knew about two of them?!” he cried. “Fuckin’ hell, I’m _famous_!” He frowned. “Well, okay, I’m not a rock star or anything, but in the art world I’m pretty damn famous and marriage records are public! I need this undone,” he said. “Is there any way I can like… get the divorce made real?” he asked.

His lawyer nodded. “We just have to get your ex to sign new divorce papers.”

Gerard just blinked. “I have to _what_?!?” He sighed. “Nobody I know has seen or heard from my ex since the day he left thirteen years ago,” he groaned.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“And now I’ve got to fucking find him after all this time of being _fine_ and make him sign divorce papers!” 

Mikey cringed as he walked up the sidewalk to the building. “Damn, Gee, that blows,” he said. “How are you though? I mean… it’s had to have been a long time since you had to think about this shit,” he said, mouthing ‘thank you’ to the girl who held the door for him as he juggled his phone and a tray of coffees. “I mean, I know it was ages ago but I’d probably hate to have it all stirred up again if I were you.”

Gerard’s sigh was audible. “Well, I’m fine but yeah, memories are all coming back and it sucks ass, you know? I kinda had to go to a meeting today for the first time in a good year or so because I started feeling kinda… not strong,” he admitted.

Mikey cringed. In his mid twenties, Gerard had fallen into a bout of drinking and partying that ended up being a problem. After he graduated, he found himself sort of lost. His divorce was still recent enough to leave a dull ache, his college friends had mostly moved on without him, and he wasn’t finding openings in galleries and patrons for his art like he had hoped. He had thought about moving back home, but Mikey was able to convince him to stick it out.

However, his drinking problems persisted and actually got worse. When he was twenty-six, he was to the point he was rarely sober at all. He had tried a few relationships but they all either didn’t last more than a few weeks or were even more volatile than his drinking problems. Eventually, he started to feel suicidal and, just before he turned twenty-seven, he called Mikey mid-bender and started talking about how easy it would be to just take a walk down to the Brooklyn bridge and leap off and end all his troubles.

Mikey had been working all the way across the country, doing some work in LA for the label he was a talent scout for, but he had called home to his then fiancé and she and Frank, who was in school at the time, drove up to serve up a sort of intervention before Gerard’s drunken ideas worked themselves into a reality.

At twenty-seven Gerard swore off drinking and dating and let his former life as an introvert resurface. It worried his family to see him so alone and isolated again, but it did wonders for his art. His ideas began to blossom and his newly sober and single lifestyle led to an entirely new style of artwork that drew a lot of attention.

By the time he was thirty, Gerard had built a name for himself in the art community. At thirty-four, his personal life was still pretty empty but he didn’t care. His PA, his clients, his family, and his lawyer were basically the only people who mattered. Anybody else would just distract him.

Not to say he wasn’t still good friends with Frank and his family. Frank had gone on to be a elementary school teacher, married his longtime girlfriend, and at thirty years old he had a set of two year old twin daughters that Gerard thought were pretty much the coolest things ever. Mikey’s wife was also one of Gerard’s closest friends as well. Mikey traveled a lot but everybody still lived in Jersey, just a drive away from Gerard when he needed them.

“Well,” Mikey started as he got on the elevator. “If you need somebody, Alicia is always happy to head up there and stay with you for a day or two,” he suggested.

“Nah,” Gerard said. “I’ll be okay. So,” he started and Mikey rolled his eyes at how Gerard thought it was casual when he changed a topic. “What’re you doing this time? You’re in LA, right?”

Mikey laughed. “Pete has a band he thinks would work better on my label, not his, and he wanted me to come check them out.”

Many moons ago and before he’d met Alicia, Mikey Way had had an affair with Pete Wentz, the bassist of the famous band, Fall Out Boy. They were still good friends many years later and they often helped each other out despite working for competing small labels. Pete loved an excuse to call Mikey out to LA to meet up with bands. Usually it was code for hanging out with Mikey, though recently, it had been a code for showing off his new relationship with his longtime best friend and lead singer of his band, Patrick Stump. After a pretty rough divorce the year before, Pete had shocked Mikey when he started dating his best friend. Mikey had said it was a bad idea, but Pete swore that he’d have never gone for it if Patrick hadn’t come to him first.

Gerard laughed. “Tell Pete I said his boyfriend’s one sexy motherfucker,” he said and Mikey snickered as he got off the elevator and started into the studio.

He spotted Pete and Patrick and grinned. “Pete, Gee says to tell you your boyfriend’s a sexy motherfucker.”

Pete looked offended. “My Patrick is _mine_!” he said, slinging his arms around the smaller man, who gave him a longsuffering look.

Patrick smiled. “Tell him if I wasn’t a taken man, I’d fly out there and let him find out exactly how sexy,” he said and Mikey knew as soon as he said it, he only did it to see the reaction Pete would give.

It was classic. “OH MY GOD!” Pete spluttered. “NO! My Patrick is MINE!” he whined, clinging.

Mikey laughed. “Whatever, take your coffee,” he said, offering the tray to them. “So, who’s the fourth for?” he asked, setting down the tray to get his coffee out of the remaining two.

“Someone else is there that gets Wentz-bought coffee?” Gerard asked quickly. “I didn’t think Wentz bought coffee for anybody who hadn’t sucked his dick before? He never buys me coffee,” he rambled and Mikey snickered.

Pete looked up. “OH! Patrick flew out this session guy he works with back in Chicago sometimes. The band I want you to look at is really good but their guitarist has a broken wrist and we needed someone good to fill in on short notice and Patrick’s guy is great,” he said fervently. “Seriously awesome.”

Patrick smiled. “Let me go get him, you guys should meet, he’s from New Jersey too,” he teased and Mikey rolled his eyes.

“-And I LOVE coffee-“

“Dude, shut up about Pete not buying you coffee when he visits!” Mikey complained, and then sighed. “Look, I need to get to work now. Call me if you need anything, okay?” he said.

Gerard sighed. “About all I need right now is for someone to magically find my ex-husband so I can stab his eyeballs out for making me go through a second divorce from the same man. I had that fucker finally out of my system and now I’m stuck with all that shit over again.”

“Mikey, this is Ray,” Patrick said and Mikey looked up, only to freeze as he spotted the guy behind Patrick who was carrying a guitar.

Ray stopped, skin going ashen. “M-Mikey?” he said in shock.

Mikey just closed his eyes and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Wanna take two guesses who just walked into the room?” he asked in a weak voice.

Gerard was silent. “Santa Claus?” he asked facetiously.

Mikey laughed darkly. “Well, let’s just say you can call off the private detective. I’ll call you back,” he said, hanging up to Gerard’s silence. He looked up and shook his head. “Small world, huh?” he tried.

Ray just tucked his hair behind his ear, fidgeting. “No shit.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Ray left New York, he decided to get away from anybody he knew. He had made friends with one of the sound guys who had traveled in with a band that stopped in the bar he had worked at. Bob Bryar was from Chicago and they had kept in touch when he’d gone home.

Bob offered Ray a place to stay until he got on his feet and Ray couldn’t think of a better place to be than Chicago. It was the last place anybody would look for him. Bob was friends with a lot of people in the music scene, so it was easy for Ray to get work at a book store so that he could do all the jamming and temping he wanted in his free time.

For a long time, Ray didn’t date. It was too hard to date when he spent a good two years toying with the idea of going back. After a while, however, he met Krista. When Ray met Krista he wasn’t looking for someone, she just happened to come along just when he was beginning to finally get over his broken heart. They started slow, dating casually. Ray let her know he had gone through a divorce and she was sympathetic. After a while, things began to become more serious and at the age of twenty-eight, Ray thought he was finally settled down. Krista, however, wanted more. They were living together, had been for a few years, but she wanted to get married and have kids and stuff and Ray…

He couldn’t handle remarrying. He told her so and it made her ask questions.

_“Ray, come on,” she whined, following him to the kitchen. “This isn’t like the first one, baby! You’re not a stupid kid and we’ve been together a lot longer than you were even with and married to her,” she said._

_Ray sighed. “Him, and it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t just stupid kid then either. It was just as real then as this with you is now and that didn’t work. If you and I get married, I’m just so scared it’ll all go to shit,” he said._

_She was silent for a while before clearing her throat. “What do you mean, ‘him’?” she asked._

_Ray raised an eyebrow. “You said ‘her’ and Gee was a him so I was just correcting you-“_

_“You were married to a _man_?!” she cried in shock._

_Ray frowned. “Uh, yeah… Krista, we talked about this once. We discussed how I was divorced when we met-“_

_“Yeah, but you never said it was a man!” she said in shock._

_He shrugged. “I don’t see how I could’ve gotten around it. I mean, pronouns had to have been used-“_

_“Gee isn’t short for like… Gina or Ginger or something?” she asked in a rush._

_Ray shook his head. “Gerard,” he said. “Krista, what the fuck?” he asked, frowning._

_She just stared at him. “I didn’t even know you were into guys!”_

_Ray shrugged. “Well I haven’t been since I met you. And it was only him before you,” he said simply. “What’s up?” he asked, frowning._

_Krista simply turned and walked out._

In hindsight, Ray would think back and realize there were some flaws in Krista he missed because he was just so grateful to be in love again. She left him when she found out he was bisexual because, despite her claims to be all for gay rights, she couldn’t handle the thought that the man she wanted to marry was once completely gay. 

Ray had been pretty busted up after the breakup, but Bob had come through with a new job offer that helped him not dwell. Bob was friends with Patrick Stump, the singer of the famous band, Fall Out Boy. Patrick worked in production and often needed session musicians to help out. Bob hooked him up with Patrick and Ray immediately got plenty of work through Patrick. Playing music and getting paid for it was officially the best alternative to heartbreak ever.

When Patrick asked him to fly out to LA with him to fill in for a guitarist with a broken wrist, he didn’t think twice, just packed his bags.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sitting in a studio nursing a cup of coffee was something Ray had expected out of the trip to LA. Pete was a coffee-addict, after all. 

Sitting in a studio nursing a cup of coffee across from his childhood friend and ex-husband’s brother, who were both also coffee-addicts oddly enough, was not.

Patrick and Pete kept whispering to each other as Ray and Mikey simply alternated between avoiding each other’s eyes and staring each other down. Patrick finally got the guts to speak up. “So, I’m assuming you guys know each other,” he offered.

Pete piped up. “You’re not from like… alternate mob families are you?” he asked and they shot him flat looks. “Well you’re both from Jersey!” he defended.

Ray finally cleared his throat and offered Mikey a smile. “Hey, dude. Great to see you. It’s been a while,” he said.

Mikey sighed and sat back, shaking his head. “God has fun playing with Ways,” he said cryptically. Mikey glanced over at Pete. “Yes, we know each other,” he said, then made a face. “Remember how when we were dating-“ Patrick grumbled under his breath but Mikey kept on. “I had to go back home for a while?” he asked.

Pete nodded. “Yeah, your suicidal brother, right?” he asked.

Ray’s head popped up. “WHAT?!” he cried and Mikey rolled his eyes.

“So you remember how when we were talking about him, I mentioned he was married a while before the whole ‘suicide’ thing?” he asked.

Pete nodded. “Yeah, you never mentioned it after that one time but I do remember,” he said.

Mikey nodded at Ray. “That’s the ex-husband who disappeared,” he said.

Ray waved a hand. “Wait, what’s this about suicide?!” he asked, looking shocked.

Mikey shook his head. “He never did it, thank God,” he said. He cringed. “After he graduated, Gerard had a bit of a drinking problem and it kinda got worse because he was in that ‘in between’ state after you graduate and before you’ve established yourself in something else and I was with Pete when he was drunk off his ass on the phone with me talking about jumping off the Brooklyn bridge,” he explained. “But don’t tell anybody I ever said that to anybody,” he threatened the room. He looked at Ray. “I only said that because you seemed to be jumping to the conclusion your ex had committed suicide,” he said pointedly.

Pete cringed. “Better than me at least, I didn’t tell anybody when I was suicidal.”

Ray cringed. “So… how is Gerard these days?” he asked awkwardly. “Is he still…”

Mikey shook his head and smiled. “He’s good. He’s really made a name for himself in the art world. I keep expecting to like… hear about him somewhere but it seems only the artsy people have heard of him. He’s doing really great though. I mean, he’s relapsed to loser shut-in, only it’s a loft instead of a basement this time around,” he laughed. “But he’s really done well professionally,” he finished.

Pete grinned. “I’ve met him, he’s hot,” he said, and Mikey made a face. “Well he is! He’s like a shorter you with black hair and I _dated_ you-“ Patrick kicked his chair and Pete suddenly turned loving eyes on him. “Don’t worry, I love my men redheaded and tiny,” he amended quickly.

Patrick eyed them. “How weird is it I have heard all about your brother and I never knew that I’ve been working with his ex-husband for ages?” he asked, looking between them. “How long’s it been since you guys saw each other?” he asked.

Mikey cringed. “Thirteen years,” he said and Ray nodded, looking down at his hands. He looked at Ray. “Where’d you disappear to?” he asked.

Ray looked up and sat back. “I was friends with a guy in Chicago and I just-“ he cringed. “I just wanted to get away. I couldn’t go home, it was too hard with all of you guys still there. I wanted to go somewhere nobody would look for me.”

Mikey sighed. “Well, it’s got to be an act of fate that I ran into you at all, especially _today_ , right _then_ ,” he said.

Ray raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?” he asked.

Mikey cringed. “I was talking to Gerard on the way in. He was trying to figure out how the fuck he was supposed to find you,” he said.

Ray blinked. “Find me?”

“Yeah, turns out you’re still married.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To say Gerard was freaking out was an understatement. He kept looking over at the restaurant’s bar and feeling the itch to get up and walk over there. He looked down at his dr. pepper and shook his head, chewing on his fingernails. He cringed at the taste of the dried paint under them but just swapped to another finger. He fidgeted, glancing at the door, wondering if he had time for a smoke before Ray got there.

He was just reaching in his pocket to grab his crumpled pack of Marlboros when he saw someone walking across the restaurant. He froze and his mouth went dry as he looked at the man he hadn’t seen in thirteen years walking towards the hostess. He was just as tall and broad as ever. His face wasn’t as round and chubby as it had been. His body was a bit thicker than it had been when they divorced, but he showed muscular arms and thicker thighs under his tight, torn jeans. His hair was longer than Gerard ever saw it, hanging down his back more like a curly mane than a fluffy afro. The color was slightly darker as well, having changed with age.

Gerard suddenly had to wonder to himself what the _fuck_ Ray Toro had been thinking when he had married Gerard’s ugly ass. When Ray looked up, following the hostesses pointing finger, Gerard paled, eyes widening as Ray saw him. He could see a look of panic cross Ray’s face, so he offered a small, nervous wave and uneasy smile.

Ray walked over, looking down at his feet as he came. When he got to the table, Ray offered a brave smile before sliding into the other side of the booth. “Um, hi, Gerard,” he said.

Gerard offered a smile. “Hey,” he said, then shuddered. “Fuck, dude, this is so weird,” he said and Ray laughed nervously.

“I know.” There felt like there should be an awkward pause, but Ray didn’t want to let it get that far. He looked up. “So, um… Mikey says you’ve done really well for yourself,” he said, and Gerard nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve got a gallery opening next weekend actually. And Tuesday I’ve got a meeting with Dark Horse about the possibility of publishing a comic series,” he said.

Ray smiled widely. “Wow, you really made it, huh?” he asked, then looked down. “I’m so happy to hear that,” he said. “I knew you’d do well,” he said.

Gerard nodded, smiling. “So, how about you?” he asked.

Ray shrugged. “Well, I’m doing pretty well, actually,” he said. “I guess Mikey told you I’m doing session music. This week the reason I’m out here is doing stand in for a band that Pete Wentz is trying to get Mikey to sign.”

Gerard nodded. “Yeah, he told me.” He shook his head. “Fuck, dude, this is so fucking strange. You just-“ he looked at him. “You look so different,” he admitted, offering a nervous smile.

Ray cringed. “Yeah, age hasn’t done well for me,” he said and Gerard rolled his eyes. “But look at you!” he said, gesturing. “Man, you look better than ever! Younger than ever too,” he said.

Gerard shrugged. “I’m waiting for it to catch up to me,” he admitted. “And don’t trust the dye, there’s a couple gray’s trying to peek through,” he said, ruffling his hair.

Ray nodded. “I noticed it’s darker.” 

The waitress came to the table. “Are you ready to order Mr. Way?” she asked, and Gerard blushed slightly, ducking his head as he gave her a bashful smile.

“Come on, really?” he asked and she laughed.

“Sorry, should I not say your name?” she asked and Gerard flapped a hand.

“How do you know my name?” he asked and she smiled.

“I’m an art major at UCLA, of course I know your name!” she gushed, then blushed and ducked her head. “Um, would you like a minute?”

He just smiled brightly. “Um, yeah, but-“ he glanced up at Ray. “Um, you wanna get a drink or…”

Ray took a breath and looked up at the waitress. “Uh… can I get a coke and a beer?” he asked.

Gerard made an abortive motion, then cringed. “Um, could you kinda not?” he asked Ray in a small voice and Ray looked at him before blinking.

“OH! Oh, um, just a coke, thanks,” he said quickly and the waitress nodded, walking off. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, Gerard-“

Gerard waved a hand. “No, I’m usually okay,” he said, cringing. “Just… all the stress,” he said, shrugging. “When I found out last week that ‘oh hey, your divorce thirteen years ago didn’t actually go through’ I’ve been like… stressing and shit. I had to actually go to a meeting for the first time in ages and when I first got here I kept feeling the craving every time I looked at the bar,” he admitted, blushing under Ray’s gaze. “Yeah, I kinda fucked up in my twenties,” he said.

Ray shook his head. “Sorry, I just forgot Mikey mentioned it,” he said. He chuckled. “Dude,” he said, looking at him. “When did Mikey get hot?!” he asked, looking shocked.

Gerard snickered. “I know, dude. I was like ‘where did the dork I grew up with go’ when he randomly got hotter than me. He got lasik and got married and then- BAM! About three years ago he suddenly is this like… fucking male model of a brother,” he said, shrugging.

Ray laughed. “Please tell me someone hasn’t let Mikey Way reproduce, dude,” he teased and Gerard laughed.

“Nah, no kids.” He looked up. “Frank has two though,” he said, and Ray gaped.

“Wow… Frank didn’t end up gay?” he asked and Gerard laughed.

“No, he kinda only ever dated the one girl, then he married her and they’ve got two girls.” He snickered. “Dude, Frank’s an elementary school teacher too.”

Ray whistled. “Man, you never know, huh?” he said and Gerard nodded. “Hey,” he looked up. “I know I’m like… a decade late, but I heard through my mom about Elena. I was really sorry to hear about that,” he said.

Gerard cringed. “Yeah, that sure didn’t help the alcoholism,” he said, nodding. Gerard bit his lip. “So… Chicago huh?” he asked.

Ray nodded. “Yeah. Remember Bob? He lived there and helped me out until I got going,” he said.

Gerard bit his nails again. “Okay, so let’s get to the meat of it,” he said and Ray nodded. “We’re kinda not divorced.”

Ray groaned. “I have no idea what happened. I checked that it was all done, I gave them to the lawyer’s secretary… I assumed it was all done,” he said, shrugging.

Gerard snorted. “You assumed it was all done? I never figured I’d hear the word ‘divorce’ again and then my lawyer was checking after he’d drawn up a marriage license and it turned out public records show our marriage but not our divorce.”

Ray raised an eyebrow. “So… you’re getting married?” he asked.

Gerard snorted. “No way, dude. I had an insomnia driven freak out and thought I was gonna go to prison, so I had the bright idea that if I married my assistant, at least when I got murdered in jail she’d get all my money and all my shit and all the rights to my art,” he said. “She talked me down and my lawyer was gonna go through and make sure it didn’t show up in the records that I was drawing up marriage shit,” he explained. He looked up. “I’m guessing you never tried to remarry either?” he asked.

Ray shrugged. “Almost, but I didn’t really wanna get married and when I told her that, she sorta didn’t like it,” he said.

Gerard snickered. “She, huh?”

Ray nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I guess as a kid I never got a chance to even try out girls, but yeah.” He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. She apparently thought when I had mentioned I was divorced that the person I divorced was a woman so when I told her I didn’t want to go through the trouble in case that marriage failed too, I said ‘he’ once and apparently she wasn’t down with being with a man who used to be gay,” he said, shrugging. “Go figure.”

Gerard cringed. “Sorry to hear about that.”

Ray shrugged, sitting back. “Eh, single life isn’t so bad,” he said with a sad smile.

Gerard snickered. “I couldn’t imagine dating anybody at this point in my life, dude,” he said, waving a hand. “I mean, when I was drinking there was one guy I thought maybe was something serious but it was all fucked up so when I got sober I just… did away with the whole ‘social life’ thing,” he said, shrugging. “Worked well enough for the first half of my life to just have Mikey and family and shit. No reason to fix what isn’t broken.”

Ray chuckled. “We both ended up right back where we started, huh? Losers with loser friends who can’t be bothered dating,” he said.

Gerard smirked. “Only now my ‘basement’ is a loft and I get _paid_ for my doodles and sketches,” he said, smiling.

Ray nodded. “Getting paid to play music is pretty nice, I admit,” he agreed. He looked up. “So… what’re we gonna do? I haven’t talked to a lawyer since the ‘divorce that didn’t’.”

Gerard shrugged. “Well, my lawyer promptly told me to suck his dick when I called him after Mikey talked because he’s on vacation and isn’t doing shit,” he said, shrugging. “I mean, we can get another one, but it’s not like it’s a rush,” he said.

Ray nodded. “Yeah, I can wait while your lawyer’s on vacation,” he said. “But I’m kinda in LA for another week,” he explained. “Then I’m going to Jersey for a little while to see my mom since I haven’t got any more commitments for a few weeks.”

Gerard shrugged. “My guy’s in Manhattan, but he’s in Hawaii for a month. Can’t do anything until then,” he explained. He scratched at his hair. “Um, not that I think you’ll like… fuck off on me out of spite or anything,” he started. “But I kinda like… really can’t let you get away before this shit is settled,” he pointed out sheepishly.

“Gerard, I’ve got no reason to-“

“I know you don’t,” Gerard said, sighing. “But my assistant thinks you’re gonna try and fuck me over because I’ve got money and, according to the great state of New Jersey, half of it is technically yours,” he pointed out.

Ray cringed. “Oh.” He shrugged. “Look, I’ve… well we can work something out, right?” he suggested. “I mean, if you’re not too busy, I guess we can work out like… just sticking around each other for the month it takes your lawyer,” he said.

Gerard wanted nothing more than to get away from Ray-Fucking-Toro and his hot face and Gerard’s stupid memories, but he knew Ray was right. He sighed heavily. “Well, I can stick around LA for this weekend, then Tuesday I’ve got to go back to New York. I guess I can take you with me,” he tried.

Ray shrugged. “I could like… go home while you’re working up there? I mean, you know I’m not gonna fuck off on you if I’m at my mom’s house,” he said. 

Gerard chuckled. “Well, I guess we can make this work long enough to get out of each other’s hair,” he said.

Ray nodded, looking down at his hands. “Yeah, it’s just a month, right? We can handle a month before we go our separate ways.”

Gerard nodded. “Yeah” He felt in his pocket and groaned. He really wanted a cigarette.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard got back to his hotel room and threw himself on the bed. He dialed up the first person he could think of and laid down, fingers itching until he got up and walked out onto the balcony to light up a cigarette. “The fuck are you calling me for?” a teasing voice came over the line.

Gerard chuckled. “Frank, you got a minute?” he asked softly.

Frank was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, lemme go out back,” he said. Gerard heard a door opening and closing and then heard Frank whistle to one of the dogs. “Alright, what is it? You sound kinda upset.”

Gerard groaned. “Frank… Mikey hasn’t called you has he?”

“No, why? Is something wrong?” he asked in concern.

“No, not anything serious,” he said then sighed. “Frank… last week my lawyer found out that according to the public records… I’m not divorced.”

“What? That was ages ago, man. Of course you are!” Frank said.

Gerard took a drag. “Yeah, well, I’m kinda not,” he said, then paused. “And it has to be somebody’s plan or something cause the minute after I told Mikey… he walked into the studio and take a wild guess who the session guitarist working with Pete’s new band was.”

Frank was silent. “Holy fuck.”

Gerard laughed humorlessly. “I just had dinner with my ex-husband who I haven’t seen in thirteen years, Frank. We were trying to work out how to go about getting the divorce re-done. How is this happening?” he asked.

“Shit, Gee, are you okay?” Frank asked.

Gerard looked out at the parking lot, trying to decide how to answer. “I’m not… I’m not freaking out. I mean, I’ve smoked a whole pack of cigarettes between the parking lot and on the walk back to the hotel, but I’ll survive, I think.”

Frank let out a low groan. “Fuck, Gerard, how… what’s he been up to? I mean… how’s he been doing?”

Gerard smiled, looking down as he flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette, watching it fall until he couldn’t see it anymore. “He’s done well. He’s a session guy in Chicago. That’s where he went when he left, apparently. He’d met a guy who lived there through work back in New York and he moved out there and the guy set him up with a job until he got himself going.”

“Well… fuck, I don’t know what to say,” Frank said. “I’m guessing since nobody found out until now, ages later, that he never got married again?” he asked.

Gerard snickered. “Dude, Ray’s into chicks now,” he said and Frank burst out laughing.

“Man, back then you two were the gayest fuckers I knew!” he said loudly.

“Yeah, he told me about this girl he was with for a while that wanted to get married but he kinda didn’t want to go that far again after how _wonderful_ it worked out the first time and then there was something about how before that, she’d assumed his ex was a ex-wife and when she found out I was a he, she left him,” he explained. “He says after that he’s sorta not bothered.”

Frank was quiet for a while. “Kinda like you,” he said, and Gerard groaned.

“Yep. I guess no matter how hot the loser gets, they’re always still a loser,” he said softly.

Frank snickered. “You’re so far from hot, asshole,” he teased and Gerard laughed.

“Well I didn’t mean me, but I’m fucking _beautiful_ bitch!” he cried, grinning as he thought about the faces Frank would make.

“So Ray’s hot?” Frank asked.

Gerard snorted. “Well, he was always hot to me, even when all you fuckers called him fat and ugly, but damn…” he chuckled. “He says age hasn’t treated him well but God knows I sure as hell never expected to see my ex-husband looking like some eighties rock god walking towards me.”

“Well now!” Frank teased and Gerard snorted.

“His hair’s long. Like… it hangs past his shoulders and it’s a little darker. More red than it used to be. His face isn’t as round and he’s clearly aged, but it makes him look amazing. And he’s not as thin as he was when we got divorced and he’s not fat like he was when he was a kid, but he’s got these _thighs_ and his arms are thick and he’s so big… Jesus fuck, why couldn’t the man who divorced me have ended up ugly? Really?!” Gerard asked, whining.

Frank snickered. “To be honest, Gee, you’re a sexy motherfucker now too. You were fat and awkward but now you’re thin and you’re pretty damn hot and you haven’t aged a _day_.”

Gerard sighed, closing his eyes. “It hurt,” he admitted weakly.

Frank was quiet for a moment and Gerard almost expected Frank to ask ‘what’, but when he spoke, it was with a sad understanding. “I can imagine,” he said. “I mean… when we were kids… I don’t know, I couldn’t have ever pictured you two anywhere but together until the day you came out and told us he was gone and then it was already done, you know?”

Gerard shook his head. “I loved that man so much, Frank. When he left it killed me but I knew we both knew there wasn’t a way to make it work without one or both of us ended up regretting it when we were older. It took me so long to get all that shit behind me and now it’s been thirteen years since I last saw him and it brought everything back when I was sitting there talking to him. Everything I repressed, all the hurt, all the memories came back and it fucking _sucks_ ,” he said weakly.

“I get it,” Frank said. “Man, I mean, I can’t imagine my wife leaving me and then disappearing for over a decade then suddenly being there again.”

Gerard groaned. “It was only by the grace of fucking God that I made it out of that place without heading over to the bar, Frank. It was so close.”

“Well just talk to Mikey for a while, okay? I mean, last thing we need is you off the wagon too,” Frank said softly.

Gerard nodded. “I know,” he said weakly. “Fucking _Ray_ , Frank. I mean, what the fuck?”

“I know what you mean,” Frank said, and Gerard just groaned, taking another drag as he let Frank launch into the latest story of ‘what my baby did!’.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard was packing when Mikey called. “Yeah, bitch?” he asked and there was an awkward silence. “Mikes?” he asked.

“Um, hi, it’s me… uh, Ray,” he said and Gerard flushed. “I’m just using ‘bitch’s phone,” he said and Gerard slapped himself in the face.

“Sorry, what’s up?” he asked.

“Well, you’re heading back today, right? I’m flying to Jersey Wednesday and I’m gonna just… chill with my parents for the rest of the week. After that, do you want me to come up to New York so you can like… keep your eye on me?” he asked.

Gerard facepalmed again. “Yeah, I’m meeting with Dark Horse tomorrow and Friday night I’ve got a gallery opening. Saturday and Sunday night are still technically ‘opening nights’ so I’ve got to be there for like… talking to people and shit like that. If you wanna stay with your parents until after that, I could do with going to visit my mom for a few days and after that I’ve got some work to do, but you could like… just hang out at my apartment or whatever.”

“Yeah, that’s cool. I don’t have anything on the schedule right now but I mean… whenever that changes I kinda have to go home and work,” he explained.

“Well, we’ll work it out, right?” Gerard said uneasily.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Stacey met Gerard at the elevator doors as he got downstairs. She offered him his regular coffee and eyed him. “So… you met with your ex?” she asked.

He groaned. “Too early in the morning to talk about my ex-husband,” he said, drinking down the super-hot coffee without a care about the second degree burn he was probably getting. 

She chuckled. “Bad meeting?” she asked as they walked down to get in the car.

“The opposite,” Gerard said, climbing into the backseat. “The bastard is hotter than ever and still insanely cooperative,” he said with a whimper. “He wasn’t even dickish enough to be offended when I told him he needs to like… stick around with me until we can get this settled.”

She smirked. “So he’s hot? Is he single?” she teased and he glowered.

“If you hit on my ex-husband I’m gonna fire you,” he threatened.

Stacey just giggled, shaking her head. “I wanna see the man who married your crazy ass _willingly_ ,” she said and Gerard whined, smacking his head against the window.

“We were young and in love, fuck you very much,” he said pointedly. “It is possible to love me, you know?” he said, waving a hand.

She smiled. “Hey, I’m kidding, Gerard. You may be old and my boss-“ he squawked indignantly. “But your brand of crazy makes you so hard to not adore,” she said, squeezing his wrist. “I’d probably be your assistant even if you didn’t pay me very well,” she said and he snorted.

“Fine, so I can stop writing that check every-“

“I said probably, not would!” she clarified and he just grinned.

“Thanks, Stacey,” he said, smiling begrudgingly at his young assistant.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard was greeting people when he spotted Mikey and Alicia. He finished speaking to the older lady before excusing himself. “Mikes! I thought you’d still be in LA,” he said, hugging them both.

Alicia smiled. “We brought Frank too,” she said. “You don’t send us all invites and not expect us to come do you?” she teased.

Gerard just smiled. “No, but you guys never come to these,” he said, hugging Alicia again. “Fuck, it’s been ages since you made it to one of these. Lemme show you some stuff,” he said, tugging at her, only to freeze when he turned around.

Frank smirked as he saw Gerard’s blood drain from his face when he spotted them. Frank had brought Ray. “We were hanging out, catching up,” he said, gesturing for Ray to follow him.

“Um, sure,” Gerard said, blushing.

Ray smiled innocently. “We were gonna hang out and they were leaving but Frank offered to bring me along and I figured it would be neat to see your stuff,” he said.

Gerard nodded. “Um, sure,” he said, biting his lip. “I was just about to take Alicia to see some of my exhibits she didn’t see while I was working on them,” he said, tugging at his bangs. “You guys can all come with,” he offered.

He spotted Stacey and made a face that he knew shouted ‘help me!’ but she just raised an eyebrow. “Um, Mikey, can you go show everybody that one I got you to help me with while I talk to Stacey?” he asked, and Mikey nodded, leading Alicia, Frank, and Ray around the corner. He smiled until they were gone and then rushed to Stacey. “Save me!” he hissed, throwing his arms around her shoulders.

She yelped, sloshing her drink some. “What?” she asked. “Who was the new guy with the group?” she asked curiously.

“My ex-husband,” Gerard whispered and she blinked.

“ _That_ married _this_?!” she asked, gesturing to Gerard. 

Gerard whined. “What do I do? Oh my God, my ex is here oh my God,” he whined, breaking down quietly.

“You really were married to that hot guy who just walked past?” she asked again and Gerard whimpered.

“God he’s good-looking, isn’t he?” he asked, then shook his head. “No, focus!” he looked at her. “Help me not lose my mind.”

She nodded. “Alright,” she said, then bit her lip. “Well, just… treat him like he’s a normal person who doesn’t know what you look like naked,” she said and he gaped.

“Oh my God, he _knows what I look like naked_!” he whimpered, eyes bugging out. “Worse, he knows what I _used_ to look like naked before I lost weight!”

She laughed. “Seriously, chill, Gerard,” she said. “It’s not a big deal. If you want, I’ll shove my boobs in his face and distract him,” she said, pushing her boobs up comically.

Gerard laughed. “Alright, good plan. When he sues you for sexual harassment, be sure to tell them why you did it.”

Stacey walked with him as he headed towards the back of the gallery. He found Mikey showing them one of his darker pieces. There was a small boy surrounded by black figures in what looked like a roughly sketched alley. It had a cartoon-ish feel that some of his patrons didn’t enjoy, but most of the people who ended up buying his art liked his dark cartoon quality. It was also what had just gotten him a deal with Dark Horse comics just earlier in the week. “Hey guys,” Stacey said, announcing their presence. She smiled at Ray. “Hey, I’m not sure I’ve met you before,” she said, playing it cool. “I’m Stacey, Gerard’s brain,” she said and Gerard shot her a look.

“Traitor,” he said and she shrugged, winking. 

Alicia tugged him over. “Gee, this one is insane!” she said, looking at it. “It like… makes me want to cry,” she said, looking at the little boy’s terrified eyes, the only thing visible above his crossed arms and raised knees. “Incredible,” she said.

Mikey nodded. “When he showed me the sketch I thought it wouldn’t translate to canvas well,” he said.

Frank smacked Gerard’s ass. “Fucking hell, man, you did it again!” he said, and Gerard smiled bashfully under their praise.

“Man,” Ray muttered and Gerard turned, seeing the uneasy look on his face. “Talk about bringing back the memories, huh?” he said and Gerard looked down before looking back at the painting. Gerard could only imagine what it must be like to see all the doodles Ray had spent years looking at all over Gerard’s room and then their apartment turned to life on canvas in a gallery.

Gerard nodded. “You should see some of the things that isn’t like all the shit I drew when we were kids,” he said and Ray smiled.

“I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything you didn’t draw when we were kids,” he said and Gerard ducked his head, smiling bashfully.

Stacey bumped him and leaned close. “So. Hot,” she whispered.

Gerard bit his lip and made a face. He couldn’t deny it was true. Standing there in a pair of dark wash jeans and a black button down shirt, Ray looked insanely good. It was hard to believe that was the same chubby kid he’d married when he was eighteen. “I hate you so hard,” he whispered to her and she snickered, shoving him.

“Come on, let’s go see the center piece of this show,” Stacey suggested, leading them around the corner to the back of the gallery. Gerard blushed when he saw the slack look on Mikey’s face when he saw the piece she was talking about.

“I know, it sucks, right?” he asked and Mikey turned to give him a flat look. “I didn’t show you ahead of time cause it’s so ugly-“

“Whoa,” Frank said in shock.

Everybody gazed on a painting of a pair of lovers embracing. It was in shades of cream, tan, and brown and showed an almost watered down detail of a man and women tangled together, heads bowed towards each other, pressed together so that it was almost hard to tell who started where and when the other ended.

“Dude,” Alicia said, turning to Gerard, who was fidgeting and fingering at the hem of his black vest awkwardly, occasionally ruffling his hair and biting his nails. “First off, _wow_ ,” she said, then she pointed at the painting. “Second, why the fuck is there a naked portrait of me in here,” she said and Mikey tilted his head, then gaped.

“Ew, Gerard,” he said, shooting him a look. “You actually imagined me and Alicia naked together? Really?!” he asked, looking horrified and somewhat in awe of the portrait.

Gerard colored but fidgeted. “Hey, you’re the only straight couple I’ve ever seen cuddling long enough for it to leave an impression!” he defended. “I couldn’t ask some session people to come to my loft, get naked, curl up in a lovers embrace naked and let me draw them for four hours,” he argued, blushing. “And I couldn’t use my own memory- GAY!” he said, gesturing to himself.

Alicia just snickered. “So you what… watched me and Mikey curled up on the couch asleep and imagined us naked?” she asked and Gerard rolled his eyes.

“It sounds gross when you say that, I used the lines and proportions of a man and a woman holding each other and just took away the clothes,” he said, crossing his arms. “You’re lucky it’s not Stacey you’re looking at,” he said and Stacey kicked him. “Ow, I didn’t mean it in a bad way!” he said, hopping around holding his shin in pain.

“You don’t pay me enough,” she said, rolling her eyes before walking off.

Frank just cackled through the whole ordeal. “Dude, Gerard,” he walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “If you needed a naked chick you could’ve just looked at yourself in the mirror when you got out of the shower,” he said and Gerard glowered. “You’ve got better tits than my wife,” he teased, grabbing Gerard’s chest like he was groping a boob.

“Fuck off!” Gerard snapped, shoving his hands away before pouting dramatically while everybody giggled at him. “Why do I love you, Iero? Why?” he asked, shaking his head with a haughty sigh.

Mikey walked over to his side, grinning as he wrapped Gerard in a hug. “Cause he reminds you of me and you loooove me,” he teased, then looked at the painting. “Although apparently in your head, somehow, picturing your baby brother naked doesn’t sound wrong, so I’m not so sure that’s a good thing,” he teased and Gerard groaned.

“I need new friends. Really. I really do,” he said, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

“Wow,” Ray’s voice said softly and Gerard flinched, having almost forgotten he was there. Mikey, who was still hanging off of him, rubbed his back comfortingly, having felt Gerard jump. Gerard looked up and Ray was watching them in amusement. “Apparently twenty-years doesn’t even touch Frank and Mikey’s behavior,” he said and Mikey rolled his eyes.

“Hey, having children hasn’t touched Frank’s behavior, dude. Do you really think any of us have grown up?” he asked, then nudged Gerard. “This idiot still has action figures lining every flat surface and posters of horror movies on the walls and he’s hitting _middle age_ and lives in some high-class, fancy-ass loft apartment and has his name in art books all over the world,” he pointed out. “Some things never change,” Mikey said, and Ray glanced around them with a chortle.

“Well, some things do, Mikey,” he said pointedly and Gerard cringed, looking away.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard cringed when he walked in behind Mikey and Alicia when they got to his mother’s house. “MY BABIES!” she cried gleefully, wrapping her arms around them both as they hugged her.

“Hey mama,” Gerard said, smiling at her nervously.

“Get off my woman bitches!” Frank cried, shoving the Way’s aside as he all but tackled their mother. “Mama Way!” he cried, smacking a kiss on her cheek. “We brought company,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Donna raised an eyebrow, counting the four around her. “I see two sons, an adopted puppy, and a daughter in law skulking around. Who’s missing?” she asked. “Is Jamia coming?” 

Gerard groaned. “Oh I wish it was,” he said, cringing as he spotted Ray walking in over his mother’s shoulder. “Oh here we go,” he muttered, putting a hand over his eyes.

She turned, following everybody’s gaze and gasped. “Raymond!” she cried. “Holy fuck look at you!” she cried. “Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d see you walking through my door again,” she said, then crossed her arms. “And just where have you been for the last zillion years?” she demanded.

He smiled bashfully. “Hey Mrs. Way,” he said and she rolled her eyes.

“Baby, the past is the past but you know you can always call me Mama,” she said and he smiled weakly.

“Well…” his eyes flickered up to Gerard, who was looking as far at the floor as possible. “For the longest I wasn’t around at all and then when I was I kinda doubted I’d be welcome,” he pointed out with an awkward shrug. 

She just rolled her eyes. “You become one of my babies once, you’re one of my babies for life,” she said, pulling him into a hug. “Now, what the hell are you doing here now?” she asked, hands on her hips.

Gerard chuckled dryly. “Yeah, funny story,” he started, crossing his arms. “ _Somebody_ fucked up the whole ‘divorce’ thing and I just found out recently that legally, I’m still a married man,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Ray snorted. “I didn’t fuck up the divorce, it just… didn’t happen for some reason. I did what I was supposed to do, I gave the papers to the lawyer, it just… didn’t get done, I guess.”

Gerard snorted. “Yeah, good thing I never wanted to marry Bert,” he said and everybody other than Ray made gagging noises and groans. “Oh fuck off, I was using an example-“

“If you had married that piece of shit, I’d have kicked your ass myself and I’m your mother,” Donna said and he made a face.

Mikey scoffed. “I’d have just poisoned his liquor and got him out of the way before you did,” he said.

Frank snorted. “After he hit you I nearly did poison his liquor. Or run him over,” he said.

Ray shot Gerard a curious look which he ignored. “Guys, it was an example. I wouldn’t have married him even when I was in love with him,” he said, making a face. “He was gross anyways. Had I been sober then there is no way I’d have made it living with that animal,” he said, making a face.

Mikey snorted, poking around the refrigerator. “I still can’t figure out how the hell you ever had sex with that nasty fucker. I mean,” he looked up. “You don’t shower enough as it is-“ Gerard glowered. “But I’m pretty sure that man washed his hair maybe twice the _years_ you dated him,” he said.

Frank saw the confused look on Ray’s face and he held up a hand. “Gerard was with this guy named Bert for a while during his drinking days. Bert was a class-A asshole who hated us all, we hated him, he tried to seduce me once while my _wife_ was there and Gerard was in the kitchen, and when Gerard started trying to sober up, he was living with Bert the human narcotic and, in a heroin-induced rage one night after Gerard pissed him off, he beat the shit out of Gerard and Gerard didn’t tell us until _after_ they broke up,” he explained and Gerard glowered, cheeks pink.

“Why did you need to tell him that? I don’t go airing out your dirty laundry!” he argued.

Frank snorted. “I have no secrets, Gerard-“

“Well I do and I’d like to keep them,” he said, glowering. “And he-“ he glanced up apologetically. “No offense,” he said to Ray, holding up a hand, before turning back on Frank. “Saw me last at a time when my midterms were the toughest shit I had to put up with. He missed the drunk asshole, the lazy slob, and the suicidal depressed man I was. He saw me happy and in college and now he’s seeing me successful and on top and I would really like to _not_ have every person out there privy to all the shit that’s gone on in the last decade.”

Mikey cringed. “Gee, just let it go. Frank isn’t good at editing himself,” he said and Gerard sighed.

“I need a drink,” Gerard groaned, then cringed when his mom slapped him on the arm. “Ma, I said I need one, not that I’m gonna get one! I’ve been sober for so fucking long I’m not gonna fuck it up now,” he said, then sighed. “I’m going to smoke,” he said, opening the door to his old basement.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard was sitting with the door leading up to the outside of his old basement opened as he leaned against the steps, smoking as he glanced up at the small amount of night sky visible through the gap where the stairs came out behind the house. He let his head thunk back against the wall as he lit another cigarette, taking a long, satisfying drag.

“You know, this is surreal.” Gerard turned and glanced down into the basement to see Ray leaning against the bottom of the stairs. “I haven’t been down here since before we got married,” he said and Gerard chuckled at the smile Ray had as he glanced around.

Gerard nodded, closing his eyes. “The last time you were down here was the night before we moved to New York.” He smirked bitterly. “You snuck in after my parents were asleep for one last fuck in the old bedroom,” he said, looking up at the sky again. “Man, it was so long ago.”

Ray nodded. “Fifteen years,” he said. Gerard looked up and offered him his cigarette. Ray quirked an eyebrow but leaned out and took it, taking a drag before passing it back. He hummed before exhaling. “I haven’t had a cigarette in twelve years,” he said, sighing. “I forgot how much I loved those.”

Gerard raised an eyebrow. “You quit smoking?” he asked, finishing it off before stubbing it out on the wall.

Ray nodded. “When I moved to Chicago. Bob had quit and he didn’t want it in the apartment we were sharing anymore. It was a bitch but I’m better for it,” he said.

Gerard chuckled. “I’m pretty sure it’s what’ll kill me,” he admitted, shrugging. “Look, sorry if I sounded like a dick upstairs, but I really don’t need my past shoved into the face of everybody Frank meets,” he said.

Ray shrugged, looking down at his feet. “Frank has the idea that I’m supposed to just slot back into his life and I think he wants to have everybody on the same page.”

Gerard nodded. “Frank’s like that. I’m pretty sure Frankie must’ve killed you about his kids by now,” he said.

Ray rolled his eyes, grinning. “The two mini-Frank’s or the billion children he teaches?” he asked and Gerard laughed. Ray bit his lip. “Look, I’m not trying to pry, but… did that guy really do all that shit to you?” he asked curiously.

Gerard sighed but nodded. “Yeah. It sucked a lot.” He shrugged. “After I graduated college I started drinking a lot. I did some partying and fucking around, not much, and then I met a guy named Bert,” he said, cringing. “I was twenty-five, I was on a lot more than just the alcohol, and Bert was too. Most of our relationship was spent in a drugged up haze I barely can remember clearly,” he said softly. “But in our minds it was love.” He made a face, glancing down at his hands. “Although with that much booze and blow in your system, anything is love, I guess. We were together and living together for two years before I caught Bert doing heroin,” he explained. “We always said we’d never touch it because it’s too dangerous. Sure, we were on cocaine and pills, which was nearly as bad, but the heroin could kill him and I couldn’t handle that. So I tossed his stash when I found him passed out on the couch with the needle still in his arm.”

“Jesus Christ,” Ray muttered, eyes wide.

Gerard cringed, lighting up yet another cigarette. “Well, when he woke up, he was still pretty high. He found out I’d flushed his heroin and he’d spent the last of his cash on it. He wanted me to give him money for more and I told him I loved him too much to let him hurt himself…” Gerard flicked ashes off, looking distant as he stared at the cement across from him. “He started swinging and I just curled up in a ball and took it. I didn’t fight back.” He shrugged, letting his head fall back as he exhaled a stream of smoke, looking up at that patch of sky above him. “After he stopped, I was pretty roughed up. He went in the bedroom for a while and I got up and went to clean myself up. I was in the shower and he came in there like nothing had happened and climbed in with me,” he shook his head, snorting. “I was still pretty wasted so I just let him fuck me like nothing had happened, even though my face was still bleeding.”

“Fuck… Gerard!” Ray said, looking shocked.

Gerard smiled a crooked smile. “It’s the reason for this,” he said, gesturing to the side of his mouth. “Nerve damage in my face. One side of my mouth doesn’t come as high as the other,” he explained. He shrugged. “It was just another mark that I was so fucked up I needed help. Not long after that I broke up with him, kicked him out, then stopped everything.” He stood up, taking a deep breath. “And here I am, nearly six years sober,” he explained with a small flourish.

Ray just stared up at him. “I’d have never thought when we were kids you’d get mixed up in shit like that,” he said softly, eyes tracing Gerard’s face almost like he expected someone else to be looking down at him.

Gerard shrugged. “Did wonders for my art, you know?” he said, walking down the stairs towards him after he tossed his cigarette butt. “The whole ‘tortured soul’ thing,” he said, shrugging with a playful smile. “Not that, you know,” he shot Ray a look. “Divorced at twenty didn’t help,” he said and Ray cringed.

“Well… I’m glad you’re sorted out now,” he said and Gerard smiled sadly as he walked over towards the pile of boxes on top of his old bed in the corner. Ray followed him and blushed slightly as he watched Gerard shove boxes aside and flop down on the saggy mattress of the double bed. The sight brought back some memories Ray had suppressed for a long time.

Gerard sat, looking around. “It’s been so long since I’ve been down here longer than a few minutes,” he said softly. He cringed. “For a long time I couldn’t handle it. Too much history and memories, you know?” he said softly.

Ray leaned against the banister to the stairs leading up to the house after he shut and locked the door leading outside. “Don’t I know it,” he said vacantly as he looked around. He could see the couch in the corner, covered in bags of junk, where he and Gerard had spent so many days watching TV, playing games, and making out. The last one made his cheeks heat up slightly.

Gerard glanced up from his spot on the bed and shivered slightly as he saw Ray looking around the room, deep in thought. He could remember, sitting on the bed itself, the afternoon he and Ray made love the first time. He blushed slightly, biting his lip as he fought to _not_ think about those awkward, exploratory, _painful_ fumblings that, despite the whole ‘awkward and painful’ part, were basically perfect. They had been seventeen, had been dating a few months, and Gerard had already been so in love with Ray that no amount of pain and awkwardness had taken away the fact that he and Ray were together and happy and sharing an experience together that would only be the first of many times together in that very basement.

Gerard shook his head, rubbing at his tired eyes with his fingers through his paper-thin eyelids. It hurt too much to let Ray being there get to him. “Alright, mama probably thinks we’ve like… disemboweled each other,” he said and Ray looked up then nodded, the same sad nostalgia in his eyes that Gerard was feeling. “Better get back.

Ray nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After a dinner that Donna splurged on for all her boys (and girl), Ray went to see his parents one more time before he and Gerard were supposed to leave to drive back to the city, leaving Gerard sitting with his mother for a few hours after everybody else left.

“How’re you doing, sweetie?” she asked and Gerard looked up from his thoughts. She smiled sadly. “This has to be rough,” she said and Gerard groaned, shaking his head.

“It’s… crazy,” he said. He looked up and sighed. “It’s just… surreal, you know? Two weeks ago I had successfully not thought about that man in so long and all of a sudden we’re a week into the nearly five weeks we’ve got to spend together until my lawyer comes back from Hawaii and can fix the failed divorce I haven’t had to bother even thinking about since I was _twenty_ ,” he stressed.

She nodded. “It’s so strange seeing Ray again,” she said and Gerard snorted.

“You’re telling me. I didn’t think I’d ever see my ex-husband again in my whole life,” he admitted softly. He looked down at his hands. “I’m not sure I wanted to see my ex again.”

She hummed. “He looks good,” she noted and Gerard shot her a look. “What?! He does! He looks a hell of a lot better over thirty than he did in his teens,” she said and Gerard sighed.

“Yeah, I noticed,” he said, shaking his head.

She smiled sadly. “I know it’s gotta be hard for you, baby, but remember that he probably isn’t having a picnic over the situation either.” She reached out and picked at Gerard’s hair lovingly, earning a smile from her son. “God, seeing that one again makes me think about when you boys were in school,” she said and Gerard groaned.

“Ma!”

She smiled vacantly. “I remember the first time you brought Raymond home with you,” she said and he rolled his eyes.

“Ma, I really don’t need a trip down memory lane when I’ve got a long drive late at night with nothing but my formerly estranged ex-husband-“

“You were fifteen and you came bopping in the door with this tall, chubby boy with terrible glasses and even worse hair and it was the first time I saw you come home smiling that year,” she said and Gerard’s annoyed look dimmed somewhat as he blinked at her then looked away. She tucked a strand of hair behind his ears. “And I remember when you boys went to the prom together,” she said, laughing softly. “I knew when Raymond turned bright red over giving you the flower for your lapel that I was in for one hell of a reaction when you boys figured yourselves out. I never figured the reaction would be sneaking him into your room when you thought we were asleep-“

Gerard turned bright red. “MA!” he cried and she rolled her eyes. He groaned. “Oh my God, you _knew_?!”

She laughed. “Honey, I’m your mother. Of course I knew! You think that door on the side mysteriously makes the car parked on the street any less suspicious?” she asked and he covered his face, shaking his head.

“Oh God, I’m so glad I thought you didn’t know then,” he admitted. “Why the hell did you never bust me on it then?” he asked, chuckling.

She laughed. “Because you were growing up and I remembered what it was like to be young and in love,” she said and Gerard looked down at his feet, jaw clenching. She smiled sadly. “You know, I never really said it back then and I didn’t really think about it much since, but I always thought you two were gonna make it, you know?” she said softly. “I’d never met a sweeter boy in my life than that one and when you got married I was so proud to think that one of my kids was gonna have a normal, happy life.” She smirked. “I thought your brother would end up on a street corner somewhere, so you can imagine my surprise when things worked out the way they did,” she said and Gerard gave her a weak smile.

“Yeah, I always thought Mikey’d end up swinging on a pole somewhere,” he joked uneasily and she gave him a sad smile.

“When you came home and told us you guys were divorcing…” she shook her head. “I don’t think I’d ever been more shocked in my life. You guys were always so happy and I always thought… well, I didn’t think that,” she said softly.

Gerard sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. “Ma, I don’t need all this in my head,” he said, then rubbed his eyes. “And it… it wasn’t a problem with us,” he admitted. “I never talked about it with you because it was still so raw to me back then, but the only reason we split was because Ray hated everything about his life at the time _other_ than me,” he said softly. He looked up with a bitter smile. “I offered to start new but he said he couldn’t live with himself if I gave up my dreams for him and I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if I knew I gave up my dreams and he had to live with the guilt his whole life, you know?” he said, shaking his head. “There wasn’t a fight, he didn’t cheat on me, or anything like that,” he said, finally answering questions he knew his mother had to have asked herself for a long time. “Signing those papers was the hardest thing either of us did, you know? I know that he felt just as wrong about it as I did. I felt like it was too easy. I didn’t fight for him, we didn’t fight for each other… literally the day I found out he was thinking about leaving we signed the papers, talked it over for a few hours, went to bed, and the next day he left and I never saw him again,” he said with a shrug. “We both were too damn mature about it to have been kids that young and it hurt worse than anything else did back then,” he answered simply.

“Shit… I don’t even think I’d have been that mature about something like that and I’m a mother,” she admitted, then shook her head sadly. “I can see what you mean but to be honest I can only imagine that would’ve been worse than breaking up,” she said.

Gerard shrugged. “It was. It was one of the worst things I ever did but the fact of the matter is that was thirteen years ago and I thought it was _over_ ,” he said with a groan. “I thought I’d never have to think about my ex-husband again and now I’m having to coexist with him and that’s just fucked up. I don’t know how to handle dealing with this, you know?” he said helplessly.

Donna shook her head. “I know it’s hard, but think about it like this: once this is done you won’t ever have to think about your ex-husband again,” she said and Gerard groaned.

“Yeah, that took me ages the first time around. This is only gonna set me back thirteen years,” he said bitterly.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
They were mostly silent on the long drive back to the city. It wasn’t until they were getting into Gerard’s neighborhood that Ray finally actually said something. “It’s so weird you drive now,” he said suddenly and Gerard raised an eyebrow wordlessly. “I mean… when we were married you swore you’d never be behind the wheel of a car,” he said and Gerard smiled weakly.

“Well, I like cars now, you know,” he said, not wanting to join the conversation but knowing he couldn’t avoid Ray. “I bought one because it was really pretty and then decided I may as well find out how to drive it,” he explained.

Ray chuckled, shaking his head. “Only you would have a classic sports car _before_ you learn to drive,” he said almost in exasperation at how eccentric Gerard was. “How long have you been driving?” he asked.

Gerard shrugged. “A few years. I started making money not long after I got sober and soon enough I saw this baby for sale and it needed a new motor but the rest of it was fine,” he explained. “I bought it and just looked at it for a long time,” he said bashfully. “But then I decided to buy a motor for it and get it fixed and start driving it.”

Ray just blinked when they turned and drove down into a parking garage. “Your building has its own garage?” he asked and Gerard nodded.

“Yeah, much better than the street side parking I used to have,” he said. He pulled into a parking space and turned. “I was still living at my last place when I bought the car. This one I only moved into last year,” he explained. He smiled. “Next step is probably townhouse.”

Ray raised an eyebrow. “How much money do you have?” he asked curiously, then cringed. “Wow, wait, that’s so rude sorry,” he said, grumbling as he undid his seatbelt and climbed out of the car.

When Gerard got out and locked up the car he chuckled. “Honestly, not a ton, but I make enough to pay my bills and buy things with bigger bills sometimes,” he said, shrugging. “I’d have to sell a _lot_ of stuff to buy a townhouse, honestly. I just meant in the future. If I get that deal for my comic and if it does well there’s no telling what kind of opportunities that will open for later on. By the time I’m forty I probably will be able to afford a townhouse.”

Ray just shook his head. “And to think I felt like a winner when me and Bob got a bigger place and got off of the couch,” he said and Gerard smiled.

“Well, it’s not like I have a family to provide for like Frank or a wife to buy shiny things for like Mikey,” he offered. “I sit on my ass and buy gas and art supplies and food and more coffee than Starbucks,” he offered. “That’s all my money goes to other than rent and utilities really.”

Ray blinked as Gerard hit the button for the eighth floor. “Man, you must have a killer view of the street from up there,” he noted and Gerard nodded.

“It’s okay.” It was awkward for Gerard to be carrying on small talk with his ex.

Who he was taking up to his apartment.

Where he would be staying with him.

Gerard sighed as he faced the elevator doors and saw Ray with him out of the corner of his eyes. _Oh boy_ , he thought desperately.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard went into his bathroom and locked the door, pressing his back against it as he slid down to the floor. It was somewhat painfully awkward to watch his ex-husband wandering around his loft admiring all his furniture, art, and various geek accoutrements with interest. It felt strange to have someone who used to know him, missed a large part of his life, and was just now peering at his things and picking up any type of signals he wanted about him from what type of things he owned. It left him feeling almost naked.

Especially since the person in question did, to an extent, know what he looked like naked. He stood up and took a breath, examining his face in the mirror. He had bags under his eyes and he knew the lack of sleep he’d been getting was catching up with him. His face was slightly sallow and he was actually sprouting a bit of stubble. He raised an eyebrow, rubbing a hand over his jaw, shaking his head. “The fuck am I doing?” he asked himself softly before taking out his razor.

When he finished, he went into the bedroom and changed into a ratty tee shirt and batman pajama pants. He came walking back out and looked up when he heard a clatter, only to see Ray digging around through cabinets in the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow walking over. “Need help?” he asked and Ray jumped, jerking around.

Ray blushed. “Uh… I was just looking for a glass,” he said and Gerard opened a cabinet near his head, exposing a row of cups and mugs. “Thanks,” he said, cringing.

When he reached up past Gerard for a glass, Gerard felt his eyes widen and his heart skip.

On Ray’s right ring finger was his wedding band. “You still wear your ring?” Gerard asked softly, feeling his face draining at all the unwarranted thoughts flying into his head. He looked at the ring and knew he wasn’t imagining things. That was the same ring he had the matching one of still buried somewhere in a box of old letters, still in the envelope he’d last sealed to never be opened again. 

When they had gotten engaged, they wanted matching wedding bands that weren’t the same as everyone else. They had chosen rings that were wider and flatter than the average wedding band and were black with gold around the edges and inside of the ring, rather than plain gold rings. As he looked at the hand that had reached past his face, Gerard noted that, though it wasn’t on the same finger he had put it on at their wedding, that _was_ Ray’s wedding ring, just moved to his other hand.

Ray froze then drew back with a glass. He looked down at his hand and shrugged, face set in an undistinguishable mask. “Well… yeah,” he admitted, shrugging once again. He bit his lip, looking down at his hand as he turned around, walking over to the sink to get some water. “I just really like the ring and I couldn’t really bring myself to get rid of it. My ex-girlfriend never even imagined it was my old wedding band, you know?” he said weakly.

Gerard just stared. “It’s just… so weird. We divorced about a billion years ago,” he stressed. “I’m not sure I’ve ever had a piece of jewelry last that long without being lost or something.”

Ray shrugged uncomfortably. “I just never take it off. I mean, it was weird at first because I was used to it being on the left hand, but now I haven’t had this ring off in at least ten years,” he said.

Gerard just stared. “I just can’t wrap my head around why you even kept it,” he said softly, frowning as he turned to walk out without another word. “It’s just… I don’t know,” Gerard said, hoping Ray could hear him, though he couldn’t bear to face him. “I’m really not handling this whole thing well,” he admitted, biting his lip as he headed to the window and pushed aside the long curtains, ducking under them more than halfway.

“Yeah… I can tell,” Ray said and Gerard let his forehead thunk against the glass somewhat. “Look… this is all just so sudden and so stressful and I’m really sorry about this.”

Gerard sighed. “It’s just hard. It doesn’t help that in just _days_ I’ve had so much of my past relived and revealed to someone who I never thought I’d have to see again,” Gerard whispered, voice fogging up the glass.

“Yeah… imagine being on the receiving end of all the revelations of how much your ex went through after you left.” Ray sounded like he was across the room still but Gerard knew he was watching him. “I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a decent amount of internal guilt that kept bubbling to the surface after I heard all this shit about you becoming an alcoholic and becoming suicidal and being _abused_ ,” he said in a soft voice. “I don’t want to think it but there’s that voice that keeps going ‘it’s your fault for leaving’,” he admitted.

Gerard closed his eyes, shaking his head against the glass. “I’m not having this talk right now. I can’t. My brain hurts, okay?” he said weakly. “When I turn around, I want to be able to make myself think you’re not there. Please Ray?” he asked weakly, clenching his eyes shut tighter.

“Sure,” he said softly and Gerard waited a little while, until he didn’t hear the rustling of fabric anymore, before turning around to head to his bedroom. He climbed into bed and closed his eyes, curling in a ball as he fought every part of him that wanted to over think all the things that had ran through his head in the last few days, especially the last few hours.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
 _Gerard smiled a blinding smile as Ray kissed him, his own smile a bit dorky and over-bright. They were both disgustingly hot, sweaty, and all around filthy, but to Gerard, nothing had ever been more beautiful than Ray as he looked at his face. Gerard wasn’t blind, he could see all of the reasons others thought Ray was just an ugly fat dork, but all of the ‘flaws’ people saw were things that Gerard loved._

_Ray had a round, chubby face, tight curls that were never tame, wore thick, horrible glasses, and had a pretty squishy mid-section. He also had big lips, and a wide nose. Gerard knew that, to other people, none of those things were very attractive, but Gerard could see every ‘unattractive’ feature Ray had as beautiful. His round ‘fat’ face was youthful and, when he smiled, his cheeks puffed out adorably. His hair was always frizzy as hell and Gerard had all the excuses in the world to play with his soft curls. His glasses were unfortunate, but when they were off, Ray had the biggest, warmest, kindest brown eyes Gerard had ever seen. He was chubby but it made him a great hugger and, to be honest, Gerard couldn’t exactly complain about a few extra pounds when his ass was as big as it was. His big lips were so soft and made for the most amazing kisses, and his nose fit well with his lips._

_Lying across from him now, Ray was _beautiful_. Gerard took a breath and bit his lip to keep from smiling even harder. “I love you,” he said softly and Ray’s eyes softened as he tugged Gerard even closer._

_“You too,” he said, leaning in for a kiss._

_Gerard had, unexpectedly, been the first to tell Ray he loved him. It had been about a week before, at random, while they were looking at Gerard’s newest Pokémon cards. He had simply glanced up at Ray’s smiling face and, without warning, said ‘I love you’. Ray had turned bright red but smiled bashfully and replied the same._

_Gerard knew that it wasn’t really the deciding factor in them finally having sex that afternoon (that had mostly been the fact it was the first time in the weeks since they’d both started pushing make-outs a bit far that they were alone in the house with no chance of mothers or brothers coming in), but he knew for a fact that it was a good thing they had said it before and not made awkward declarations of love in the middle of a fumbled and somewhat painfully awkward first time._

_“Wow,” Gerard breathed suddenly, giggling some as he pressed his face into the pillow. “I just… it’s weird right?” he asked, looking up. “I mean… we _had sex_ ,” he said and Ray grinned._

_“I know, it seems like something should be like… obviously different now,” he said, leaning his forehead against Gerard’s. “You know?” he asked softly._

_Gerard chuckled, tangling their fingers together on his hip as Ray’s hand rested on his side under the covers. “Says you, something definitely feels different one me,” he teased and Ray blushed, grinning as he kissed Gerard._

_“Are you alright?” he asked in gentle concern. “I mean… are you- do you still hurt?”_

_Gerard just grinned. “Oh yeah, definitely, but I’m not complaining,” he said, then closed his eyes, pressing his face against Ray’s neck as he pressed even closer._

_He couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything as amazing as being in Ray’s arms as he drifted off to sleep._

Gerard grumbled as he woke up, rolling over on his belly, only to blink. He lifted his head and looked around, then felt his stomach twist.

He hadn’t had a dream about a _memory_ in so long. He felt his throat closing up and he rolled over. It was just too much. He was a grown ass man. He’d been through some heavy shit in his life and he was a fucking adult. 

So why the hell did he feel just as fucking vulnerable as he had when he was twelve years old and first got his ass kicked for being gay? Since he had first gotten word from Mikey that he had found Ray, he’d been reliving memories he’d successfully buried and replaced with all the shitty half-blurred memories of Bert.

However, the happy memories only hurt worse. Remembering what it was like to be happy and in love was brutal on a thirty-four year old man with absolutely every chance of dying alone with his twenty-five year old assistant as the only person equally as single as he was. Sometimes he really wished he were straight because he could totally marry Stacey. She was pretty and really perfect basically.

There was just that whole ‘breasts and vagina’ issue standing in the way.

Gerard rolled over and faced the window, sighing as he looked through the sheer curtains and took in the fuzzy view of the skyline. Two weeks ago, his life had been basically perfect. He was fine being alone. He was fine _not_ thinking about his ex-husband and definitely not having dreams about his life as a seventeen year old kid desperately in love for the first time. Sure, he wouldn’t trade the memories for anything. His life was what powered his art. Happiness and depression and darkness all wound together to help inspire what made his living.

However, he preferred to not have his ex-husband in his living room and he really preferred not dreaming about the evening he’d lost his virginity to the very same person. Sure, it had been pretty much perfect, but he really didn’t need to _think_ about it.

He closed his eyes and then steeled himself to leave the comfort and safety of his bed. He had to face Ray, he had to put the past behind them, and they had to simply put aside their issues and learn to get along. They still had nearly four weeks of each other to deal with and it wouldn’t be easy, but Gerard knew they had to just behave like two old friends hanging out for a while, because it definitely would make things easier than allowing the awkwardness to prevail.

As Gerard walked out into the main room, his resolve to push aside his emotions only wavered slightly when he saw Ray asleep on the sofa. He looked so peaceful and so much like he used to look in the mornings when Gerard got up and left him asleep in their bed when he had classes in the morning. However, he quickly pushed that aside as he passed him on his way to start up the coffee maker. Gerard rarely functioned without a decent amount of caffeine in his system.

He was just pouring up his first cup when his door was unlocked and Stacey came in, mid-conversation on her cell phone. “Morning,” he grumbled and she looked up waving, only to jump slightly when Ray sat up. 

“HOLY SHIT!” she cried then blushed. “No, not you, Johanna!”

Gerard raised an eyebrow. “Slosberg wants something else?” he mumbled interestedly. Stacey held up a finger with a menacing expression before continuing her conversation, ignoring him and Ray, who was ambling into the kitchen with bleary eyes.

“Coffee?” Ray asked helplessly and Gerard laughed, stepping aside.

“Have at it,” he offered. When Stacey finally hung up Gerard turned to her quickly. “Slosberg?” he asked eagerly.

She smirked. “Two more dark and artsy’s,” she said and Gerard gave her a look. “Yes, same as last time,” she said and Gerard sighed.

“Oh good cause really, my rent’s due next week and I’m kinda running short on cash at the moment,” he said.

She snickered. “I know, I balance your accounts,” she said. “You’re lucky you can afford to pay me this week.”

Ray raised an eyebrow. “What’s a Slosberg?” he asked.

Gerard grinned. “There’s this really rich lady named Johanna who loves me and thinks I’m gonna magically turn straight and be her boy-toy, so she buys all these random paintings and pays me exorbitantly,” he said, smirking. “Ah, the power of rich old ladies when you have a pretty face,” he said brightly. “Seriously, Stacey, what would I do without you?” he proclaimed dramatically.

She looked down at her phone. “Still be living in a shitty little apartment that still smelled like the massive pile of shit you lived with for two years,” she said and Gerard gasped dramatically, clutching his chest.

“My heart be still, you saved me from life without an assistant!” he cried, pretending to swoon. “And really, I love how nobody seems to have respect for my sordid past and they just go shouting it all out in front of strangers,” he chastised.

Stacey looked at Ray. “You mean you expect me to believe your sexy ex has been around your family and managed to not hear about your entire life a billion times?” she asked and Gerard glowered.

“I hate you all,” he said pointedly.

She shrugged. “Your family, not mine. No matter how many times your mom suggested I’d be a great daughter-in-law,” she added. “I know we didn’t really get introduced well, but I’m Stacey, his better half,” she said, shaking Ray’s hand quickly.

Ray laughed. “Ray Toro… the former better half?” he tried and Gerard snorted.

“It’s arguable.” Ray actually smiled and laughed, which made Gerard feel a little better about their almost-argument the night before. He sighed. “Stacey is my lifesaver. Without her I’d probably be standing on a street corner, selling my body for cookies, charcoal pencils, and coffee,” he explained with a bright smile.

Stacey snickered. “Yeah, and if he wasn’t brutally terrified of pussy, I’d have married him just so I can be sure to inherit all his shit when his luck finally runs out and he actually dies after he forgets to eat or sleep for three days straight,” she joked.

Gerard hummed. “And to think, Stacey, he ended up with a chick,” he said, nodding at Ray.

Stacey suddenly smirked. “Well now, Mikey said you’re single,” she said, batting her eyelashes.

Ray blushed, ducking his head. “Um, I am but I’d like to stay that way,” he said and she pouted.

“Damn, you’re even hot,” she joked.

Gerard huffed and puffed. “And I’m not?!” he demanded and she grinned.

“I’m not a lesbian, so I’m not the best judge-“

“Fuck you, Stacey, fuck you very much,” Gerard said, rolling his eyes as he took to his coffee again. “I’m fuckin’ sexy,” he said, grinning at her crookedly. “All the boys tell me so.”

She bit her lip. “Maybe the boys in your head,” she teased. “You’ve gotten less dick in the time we’ve worked together than I have and I’m busy working basically all day everyday with you.”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Sobriety made me realize my philandering days were pointless and the kinds of boys I fucked were the kinds who give you syphilis anyways,” he said, shrugging. “Trust me Stacey girl, I’m fine with single living. Sex matters so much less than staying sober and doing work after you hit thirty.”

Stacey just laughed, shaking her head. “You need to get laid, babe,” she said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Now, get your coffee drank and go get your sweet ass dressed. We’re going to meet with the managers of that gallery on forty-ninth street. You may have a few pieces in their upcoming show in a few weeks if you can convince them with your ‘sexiness’,” she teased.

Ray chose that moment to clear his throat. “Hey, since you’re gonna be out, I’m gonna just go ahead and go out today,” he said softly.

Gerard nodded. “That’s cool. I’ll probably be gone all day so like… just don’t trash my house,” he requested.

Ray nodded. “Alright, I’ll just get a shower and then leave.”

When Ray walked away, Stacey turned to Gerard. “Why are you so non-freaky today?” she asked. “You were pretty freaked around him at the gallery the other night.”

Gerard waited, holding up a hand until he heard the bathroom door shut and then he groaned, shoulders slumping as he leaned against the counter. “It’s so hard acting like I’m not freaking out,” he admitted. He looked up. “I thought I’d convinced myself it would be easy to just ignore it but last night- last night-“ he smacked himself in the face. “Last night Ray reached past me to grab a glass and I noticed he _still wears his wedding band_!” he hissed.

She gasped. “The one from when you got married?!”

Gerard gave her a flat look. “No, the one from his current marriage. To your mother,” he said and Stacey glowered.

“Fuck you, you know what I mean!” She shook her head. “You’ve been divorced over a decade! And wasn’t he with a woman for a while? Mikey said so.”

Gerard nodded, face in his hands. “Several years. Almost married her.”

Stacey hummed. “And she never noticed he wears a wedding band?”

Gerard cringed. “It’s on his right hand and our wedding bands were black with gold around the edges, not plain gold rings.”

She just eyed Gerard curiously. “Do you still have yours?”

He grumbled. “Somewhere.” He looked up. “But what the fuck?! Why would he still wear his ring? He says he just likes it but he also said he hasn’t taken it off since he put it on his right hand. Ten years and it’s _never_ been off his hand. The fuck?!” he whimpered.

Stacey looked at him then bit her lip. “Well. You’re the one that said the divorce wasn’t bitter or anything. You said you guys didn’t want it,” she started and Gerard gave her a warning look. “Maybe after the divorce he couldn’t do it yet. Maybe he couldn’t take off his ring, so he swapped hands, and then he just got used to it. Maybe he was still hanging on for a little while and then he just really did start to just like the ring,” she rationalized.

Gerard grumbled. “I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to think about anything like that. My marriage and divorce before I could even drink really fucked me up and I don’t want to feel sympathy for that man.”

She shrugged. “Gerard, rationally, if it fucked you up so badly and he was still just as in love with you back then as ever, it makes sense it fucked him up too, you know?” she said.

Gerard groaned. “Why can’t I just… handle this? I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be overanalyzing this,” he said putting his face in his hands. “But you tell me who the fuck could go through finding out they’re not divorced like they thought they were, meeting up with your ex-husband, and then _living_ with the man for a few weeks and NOT lose their shit!” he said darkly. “Tell me how anybody could deal with this without needing therapy.”

Stacey sighed. “Gee,” she said, sliding her arms around him. He deflated, curling his around her shoulders. “It’s okay, breathe, honey.”

“I can’t deal with this, Stacey. He makes me remember shit I forced away for a reason,” he choked out weakly. “He makes me remember hurts I had forgotten about.”

“I know, Gee, but you have to put up with it. You have no choice.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray walked around the city, looking around all the old haunts from the two years he lived there. He stumbled across a familiar building and couldn’t help himself. He walked into the bar where he used to bartend. He walked into the bar and immediately realized that in thirteen years not much had changed. He was shocked it was still even a bar, not some hipster coffeehouse.

He walked over to the bar and slid onto a stool, waiting for the bartender to come over. The girl who walked over, however, looked familiar. “Hey there, what can I get you?” she asked and Ray blinked as he recognized the voice.

“Holy shit, I feel old,” he said and she raised an eyebrow, only to blink.

“Wait-“

Ray laughed. “You are Amber Graves, aren’t you?” he asked and she raised an eyebrow.

“Amber Tomlin now, but yeah,” she said, then chuckled. “Ray Toro,” she said and he nodded.

“You were a little girl in pigtails who had to hang out back in the store room waiting on your mom last time I saw you,” he said and she grinned.  
“Now I’m twenty-six, run the bar myself, and have a few kids,” she said and he shook his head in amusement. “Can I get you something? On the house,” she said and he chuckled.

“A beer’s fine,” he said and she nodded, going to fix him one. “How’d you end up with the bar?” he asked.

She paused. “Mom died a few years back,” she said and Ray felt his heart skip a beat. “I didn’t want to sell the place, you know? It was hers.”

Ray nodded. “I get it,” he said, then took his beer when she handed it over. “I’m sorry to hear about that, your mom was a good woman,” he said and she smiled.

“Yeah, she was,” she said, then chuckled. “Hell, what the fuck are you doing here?” she asked and Ray shrugged.

“It’s a long story, but immediately, I’m just walking around my old haunts, you know?” he said, shrugging.

She looked around pointedly. “Well, it’s just me and Bernie over here,” she said, nodding at the guy down the counter, who raised his mug at them. “We ain’t got nothing but time,” she said, leaning on the counter pointedly. “Come on down here, Bernie, looks like we’ve got a long story coming,” she joked and Ray chuckled, shaking his head.

“Well, you know how I kinda disappeared one day, no resignation or anything?” he asked and she nodded, leaning on her hands, elbows on the bar.

“Yeah, mom figured you died,” she said and Ray rolled his eyes.

“I got divorced and just… left,” he said, shrugging. “Me and my husband got married out of high school and it wasn’t anything he did or anything like that, but he was an art major and I got to the point that I hated everything other than him,” he said, then shrugged. “So we signed the papers and the next day I packed up and left. Simple as that. Haven’t been back in thirteen years.”

She hummed. “So, what’s changed?”

Ray groaned. “Apparently, the lawyer handling my divorce papers fucked up and _didn’t_ divorce us and the ex found out and then had to track me down. I’m hanging around here until his lawyer gets back in town so we can actually divorce.”

Amber just stared. “That is fucked up,” she said pointedly. “Hell, have another on me,” she said, bringing him another beer. “So what’s up, you’re just hanging around with your estranged ex that didn’t ‘ex’ until you can get actually divorced?”

He nodded, shaking his head as he took another drink. “Yep, that’ll pretty much tell the story.” He groaned. “It’s fucked up. He found me because his brother was in LA working with a guy I know from Chicago who flew me out to do some fill-in work for this band he was working with. The chances that that happened are impossible yet it did.” He sighed. “Then we went back home and I went to his _mom’s_ house with him, his brother, and our old friend, who is now married with kids. His brother’s married too. They were both sixteen when we got married. His mom acted like I’d just been away for a while, not like I was the scum that broke her baby’s heart or anything I expected,” he pointed out.

Amber hummed. “That’s heavy shit. How’re things though? You and your ex getting along or is it like… awkward city?”

He shrugged. “Some of both. Between his brother and our old buddy, I found out all my ex’s shitty ordeals between me leaving and him finding me to divorce me for real and it’s like… guilt,” he admitted. “I mean, sure it’s not my fault, I had to leave for my sanity, but I left and what happened? He ended up an alcoholic who was depressed and got into an abusive relationship with an addict who fucked him over hardcore. How do you hear something like that and NOT feel guilty?”

Amber nodded. “Well I see the problem but in a way, I also see where you haven’t got any business feeling guilty. I mean, if you hadn’t left, who’s to say all that wouldn’t have happened anyways? No reason to feel guilty for something that would’ve happened anyways.”

Ray shook his head. “It’s just not that simple, you know? It was horrible. He didn’t notice until the end but the whole time I tortured myself over ‘I can’t leave him but I can’t stay here’ I told myself he needed me there. When we met when we were fifteen, we met because I saved him from getting his ass kicked because he was a geek like me but he was a little shit and I was big enough to be left alone. All through high school, it was like that. In a way I married him and moved to New York with him because I wanted to take care of him. So I fought my own shit because of how much I needed to protect him and then when I finally got up the nerve to leave… he nearly died because of it,” he said.

She smiled sadly. “I’m sure he handled himself well enough, dude. Besides, no matter what, that was over a decade ago. Obviously if he’s putting you up and has a lawyer of his own he’s done well enough for himself now. May as well let the past be in the past, you know?” she suggested.

Ray nodded, sipping his beer. “I know, it’s just not that easy.”

“Nothing dealing with human emotions is, dude. You just have to learn to deal.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray walked into Gerard’s place with the key Stacey had given him, only to pause and raise an eyebrow when he heard Gerard shouting at somebody. “Uh, Gerard?” he asked, walking into the main room of the loft, only to have both his eyebrows take permanent residence in his hairline. “Um… am I interrupting?” he asked.

Gerard looked up, as did the naked skinny kid standing with his arms crossed, looking unhappy. “Oh hey,” he said, then turned back. “Now fucking get over there and sit still!” he snapped.

“But Geraaaarrrd!” he whined, stomping a foot. “It’s cold over there! The windowsill is cold! My ass is going to be frozen to it when I get up if I sit there.”

Gerard groaned, rubbing his temples, clearly not noticing the blue paint on his fingertips. “Lance, I’m paying you fifty-bucks an hour to model for me. Bitch more and I’ll fire you. How’d you like nine bucks an hour working at Starbucks?” he asked and the kid gave him a dramatic whine before stomping over to the windowsill, sitting down gingerly.

“Um, is it necessary to have a naked kid in here?” Ray asked uneasily.

Gerard raised an eyebrow. “Well I work out of my living room a lot, so yeah, kind of.”

“Hi Gerard’s friend!” the naked kid said, waving with a bright smile.

“Stop moving,” Gerard muttered, looking at the canvas.

The kid sighed. “But he’s cute! I’m trying to introduce myself to your cute friend!”

Ray bit his lip, fighting a smile. “Um, care to explain why there’s a naked kid modeling for you?” Ray asked, going to sit on the couch.

Gerard shrugged. “Better than a naked old person?” he offered, then grinned. “Lance is one of my favorites. And he’s in music school so he can use the money. He’s pretty good, you’d like him.”

“I’m a singer!” Lance said brightly, only moving his mouth, though his voice expressed the smile his face couldn’t. “And I’m legal, by the way,” he said in a hinting voice.

Gerard snorted. “Lance, this is my ex-husband, Ray. Ray, this is Lance,” he introduced and Lance snorted.

“You divorced _that_?!” Lance asked. “Can I have him since you’re done with him?” he asked and Ray bit his lip, trying not to smile at the teenager’s unabashed nature.

“Sorry, kid, I kinda deal with my own age group,” he offered apologetically.

“Awwwww, but look! I’m hot naked!” he said and Gerard snorted.

“Shut up, Lance. He’s fuckin’ old okay? You don’t want a man that much older than you, trust me.”

“He can’t be THAT old-“

“I’m thirty-three,” Ray offered and the kid was quiet. “Yeah, I’m old.”

“It’s not old!” Lance said, still holding perfectly still besides his mouth. “Older men are more experienced,” he said and Gerard snorted, hearing the smirk in Lance’s voice.

“What, as opposed to your usual two-pump chumps-“

“HEY! My ex-boyfriend was totally hot in bed!” Lance argued. “He just liked being hot in _other_ people’s beds too. I would’ve been down with that if he’d just _asked_ ‘hey Lance, is it cool if we fuck around with other people?’ but nooo he had to go and tell me I was the only boy for him and all this other committed shit and THEN fuck sluts behind my back.”

Gerard chuckled. “What about that dude Steve?” he asked. “Wasn’t he the one that didn’t know what he was doing?”

“Oh God yes, he wasn’t what you said but he totally sucked in bed. Worst top _ever_! He totally had the worst aim-“

“WHOA!” Ray held up a hand. “I don’t need to hear this, oh my God,” he groaned, shaking his head. “Why’s the naked teenager talking about his sex life?!” Ray asked, cheeks turning pink. “Why does he even _have_ a sex life?” he added, cringing. “Ew, he’s a kid-“

“He’s nineteen, dude,” Gerard said, mixing together two colors of paint on the table next to his easel. “Kids were having tons of sex when we were in high school, why do you think it wouldn’t be that way now?” he asked.

Ray snorted. “God, now I’m remembering the time I walked in on your brother blowing Scott Jones in the locker room senior year-“

Gerard dropped his brush. “My who doing _what_?!” he cried, gaping. “Scott Jones used to kick my ass every afternoon freshman year!” he said, then snorted, rolling his eyes as he picked up his paintbrush. “Sure, kick my ass and fuck my brother. Story of high school,” he said, and Lance snickered.

“Isn’t your brother straight?” Lance asked. 

Gerard nodded. “And married,” he added. “High school… not so much,” he said and Ray snickered.

“I remember when both your brother and Frank were the gayest kids I knew, other than you,” he said, shaking his head. “And they end up _straight_.”

Gerard just smiled sadly. “A hell of a lot changed after high school, dude.”

Ray cringed, looking out the window. “Yeah, I guess so.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray had gone into the guest room a while before Gerard finished with Lance, who stood up, stretching. “Oh my God, my poor ass. If my ass is smaller because of that cold ass window sill, I’m totally charging you for damages,” he said, grabbing his robe quickly.

Gerard snorted. “You can bill me,” he said flatly, earning a glare. 

“Sooo,” Lance started, lowering his voice. “Why’s your ex-husband around?! I didn’t even know you _had_ and ex-husband,” he added.

Gerard snorted. “Yeah, it was a long time ago.” He shrugged. “Good lesson to learn, though you seem to not need it, but don’t marry your high school sweetheart,” he said firmly. “First love isn’t the one you should jump into with both feet.” He stretched after putting the brushes he was using in the sink in the kitchen area. He walked over to the window Lance had been sitting in and opened it, digging out his pack of smokes. 

“What the hell? You’re actually leaning out the window to smoke?” Lance asked, holding out his hand for one expectantly.

Gerard rolled his eyes. “You know, you shouldn’t smoke,” he said, handing him a cigarette anyways.

Lance shot him a look. “Pot or kettle, my friend?”

Gerard took a drag and sighed happily, handing Lance his lighter. “How about old and ugly or young and attractive?” he offered. “Besides, easier to quit before you end up on a pack a day habit like me.”

Lance chuckled. “I’m actually not addicted. I’m able to just not smoke.” He sat down beside Gerard. “I’m one of the lucky few.”

Gerard huffed. “I’ve gotta smoke by the damn window because Ray quit after he left and now he can’t stand having his clothes smell like my cigarettes so he started bitching at me to open a damn window.”

Lance nodded. “What’s that about?” he asked. “I mean, your ex is living in your guest room?”

Gerard shook his head. “I found out a few weeks back our divorce actually isn’t on record as having happened. We signed the papers and a lawyer was supposed to finalize everything. I never heard about it, Ray didn’t either, he’d already left and disappeared so we both figured it was done. Thirteen years later, here we are.” He shrugged. “I got lucky I even found him again to get correctly divorced without hiring a private detective,” he pointed out. “Mikey, you know, my brother, was visiting with Pete Wentz and doing some work in LA-“

“Your brother knows Pete Wentz?!” Lance asked, then sighed. “He’s so hot.”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Yeah, he works with him. I’m pretty sure they had sex once but I really don’t want to know,” he said, waving a hand. “Anyways, turns out Ray’s been living with one of Patrick Stump’s friends back in Chicago and doing session guitar for some people, so they’d called him out to fill in for a guitarist and Mikey ran into him. Told him I was looking for him, since our divorce isn’t _divorced_.”

Lance just shook his head. “Thirteen years, huh? You just said he’s thirty-three earlier today. How fucking old were you when you got married?!” he asked incredulously.

Gerard smiled as he looked out the window, watching some birds on the building across the street. “We got married at eighteen,” he said. “Ray had literally just turned eighteen a few weeks before we got married.” He shook his head. “We were young and stupid. Who the fuck actually gets married that young and makes it?” he asked.

Lance shrugged. “So what happened? Things just didn’t work out? I mean, hell, you can’t have been dating too long at eighteen.”

Gerard smiled. “We started dating because we were best friends since we were fifteen, junior year we went to prom together, and he was the sweetest boy in the world in a ‘date’ situation.” He laughed, shaking his head. “God I was fucking ridiculously in love with that dude. And he was so fucking dorky looking then, oh my God, you think he’s cute now but we were both fat dorks and he wore thick glasses and his hair was short so it was a white-boy fro… looking back, I really wonder what the HELL I thought was cute about him, honestly,” he said, smiling at the memory. “We started dating because we both had painfully awkward crushes on each other. It wasn’t but just over a year after we started dating that we got married.”

Lance shook his head. “Why did you get married that young? I can’t imagine marrying anybody I haven’t been dating for at least a few years and living together at least a year.”

Gerard cringed. “That’s probably where we went wrong. I was accepted to NYU and everybody was so proud. Nobody ever expected much of us kids from a shitty little hell-hole in Jersey and here I was, the first person in my family to ever get into college. I was so happy but then I realized it meant leaving Ray behind and I started talking about maybe waiting it a while.” He cringed. “Instead, Ray proposed to me and we thought it was the best idea ever to get married and move to the City together. It was fine for a while. I didn’t really notice anything was wrong but he just wasn’t happy. He was working in a bar and he hated all the people around us and he didn’t really have many friends and I was always at school or working or going places with my art school friends.”

“So you guys split up because you just didn’t have much to do together anymore?” Lance asked.

Gerard cringed. “No. We were still just as happy with each other as ever. I don’t doubt a second that right up until the end and probably for a while after, that man loved me more than anything else. But there just wasn’t anything to be done. He knew that if I gave up my dream I’d regret it forever. He didn’t want me to leave everything I had in store for me to have an amazing future. He didn’t want to live our lives knowing I gave it all up for him and yet he couldn’t stand the life he was having to live. It was just what had to be done,” he said, shrugging. “It sucked a lot but I think we made the right choices. We’re both in great places in our lives and it wouldn’t have lasted anyway, I’m sure,” he said offhandedly. “But it doesn’t make it any easier to have to get up and see my _ex-husband_ watching TV in my living room. It’s still a mind fuck and it’s been about a week now.”

Lance nodded. “He’s really hot,” he said and Gerard rolled his eyes. “You said he used to be ugly, now he’s not. THAT has to suck,” he joked. “I mean, it’s like a kick when you’re down, huh? Have your ex turn out hot.”

Gerard glared. “Gee, thanks. Rub it in my face, you little shit,” he said, shoving him. “Get dressed and get out of my apartment.”

Lance snickered. “Haven’t heard that from a guy since that hook-up I had during finals week-“

“OUT!” Gerard cried, laughing at the teen’s words.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Stacey came in while Gerard was sitting on the couch watching cartoons with Ray behind her. “What the fuck are you doing?!” she demanded, stalking over to Gerard, who was eating cereal in his batman pajamas, wearing his Madonna tee-shirt.

He looked up dumbly. “What?”

Ray rolled his eyes. “It’s nine-thirty. Stacey told you yesterday you’ve got a meeting with some gallery owner,” he pointed out.

Gerard frowned. “That’s today?” he asked blankly.

Stacey groaned. “Jesus Christ, _he_ remembers and he’s not even the person I was speaking too, he just happened to be in the room!” she said, then grabbed his remote.

“Hey! I’m watching that-“

“Thunder Cats is not a suitable television show for an adult, jackass,” she said, clicking the power button to the DVD player.

Ray blinked. “Whoa, where the fuck did you get Thunder Cats?!” he asked, grabbing the case off the top of the player. “Seriously, this show hasn’t come on in years.”

Gerard grinned. “Mikey found me this set for my birthday this year,” he explained.

Ray shook his head, grinning as he examined the box. “Remember when we were in senior year and we nearly got Mikey’s ass kicked because we were all pretending to be Thunder Cats and somebody heard and Mikey was getting picked on-“

“And Frank totally kicked that jock in the balls before he could hit Mikey?” Gerard finished, smiling. “Yeah dude. He never did let me live that one down.”

Ray shook his head. “God you’re still just as massive of a dork as you were back then, Gerard. You’d think at your age, you’d finally have become an adult,” he said.

Gerard shrugged, standing up. “Never, dude. Adults are lame.” He pointed at him as he walked out. “That’s where you went wrong, my friend. You grew up,” he teased, earning a slightly surprised look from Ray. Gerard quickly walked out of the room, cringing once he was in his bedroom. They were getting a little too comfortable with each other. There had been more moments like the last few, where they had behaved like friends rather than the awkward reality of their relationship. After changing and grabbing some shades, he came back out, shoving his hair back out of his face. “Alright, who’s ready to do this shit?” he asked, looking at Stacey.

She glared. “Shampoo. I’m buying you some,” she said, shoving a hairbrush in his hands.

“Dude, I washed my hair… recently,” he defended, taking the brush to his hair. “What you _need_ to buy me is more dye,” he said.

“I thought your hair looked _too_ black,” Ray said, eyeing his hair closely. “It was black but not bottle black.”

Gerard cringed. “Gray hair, dude. You don’t seem to have that problem yet, but trust me… I’m so fucking gray,” he said bitterly.

“He has about five grays,” Stacey argued. “Now get your jacket and let’s GO, Gerard,” she argued, glaring. “We’re meeting this guy in half an hour and we’ve got a ways to go.” She shot Ray a look. “You wanna come? It’s gotta be boring sitting around here all day. Gerard’s art’s already hanging to be sold where we’re going, so you can at least walk around looking at it while we’re talking with the guy,” she offered.

Ray gave Gerard a look and Gerard shrugged. “You can come if you want to, I don’t mind.”

Ray smiled. “Well, sure. I’m pretty bored around here,” he admitted, going to grab his jacket and shoes so that they could leave. 

As soon as he’d gone, Gerard turned to glare at Stacey, who just glared right back.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When they got to the gallery, Ray looked surprised at the modern front. The gallery Gerard’s stuff had been at the first weekend he was back was a lot less… impressive looking as they walked in. Stacey led them down a white, wooden floored corridor to an office. “Ray, you can just walk around,” Gerard said. “We’ll be a little while but she texted that you would be here so you won’t get like, confronted by security.”

Ray nodded. “Sure, whatever works,” he said, walking past them to wander into what he assumed to be the actual gallery. The floors were a rich, dark gray stone and the walls were white, but he could see fabric rolls on the floor so he assumed they were to be hanged on the walls. The artwork was all sitting on the floor leaned against the walls beneath the areas they were meant to go. He could tell looking that most of it wasn’t Gerard’s work. He may not have known him for the last thirteen years, but Ray knew for a fact Gerard Way would never paint abstract flowers. 

As he walked towards the end, the drapes of fabric began to be black and shades of red and purples, a few rich burgundies smattered about. He found the corner that had to be Gerard’s artwork. The walls all came down to a dead end with a lone bench in the middle of the floor, facing the dead end wall. Leaning against it, was a canvas that shocked a gasp out of Ray’s lungs.

The painting was a monochrome of black that started with blackness coming in from every corner. The center was a small white circle. Surrounding the circle in an ascending fashion were gray-toned creatures all coming from the darkness with grotesque features and demonic glints to their eyes. Clawed hands extended from the edges of the darkness into the light. The overall feeling was one Ray couldn’t describe. He had never really understood the way art was supposed to _move_ people. He’d always been proud of his friend’s drawings and was proud of his then-lover when he got into art school, but he never really could tell anything except the basic fact that Gerard was talented.

However, examining the painting that the plaque on the wall claimed was entitled ‘My Journey’ made him _feel_ a small amount of fear and entrapment as he stared harder at the distance through the monsters to the small light circle in the middle of the painting. On either side were paintings that were very beautiful, one of which was clearly of Lance, the teen Ray had met earlier in the week, both just as impressive as ‘My Journey’. However, they were just nice paintings whereas the one at the end, the centerpiece of Gerard’s little corner in the gallery, was strikingly perfect.

“It’s about the artist’s addiction.” Ray jumped, turning to see a young girl standing behind him with a clipboard. “That piece has haunted every person who comes though delivering other art,” she said, smiling. “I’m Laura.”

Ray nodded. “Ray.” He looked at it. “I’m sorry, the artist’s addiction?” he asked curiously.

She nodded. “I don’t _know_ , I’ve never met Gerard Way, but supposedly he’s a recovered addict and this-“ she gestured. “That’s the best depiction I’ve ever seen,” she said almost in awe. 

Ray cringed. “God, it must be so hard for Gerard all the time,” he mentioned offhandedly.

“Do- do you know him?” she asked, eyes widening. “You know Gerard Way?”

He nodded. “He’s meeting the director or somebody now. I’m just kinda walking around waiting. We’re old friends,” he lied.

The girl’s eyes widened comically as she pushed her glasses up. “Gerard Way is _here_?!” she hissed, cheeks showing spots of pink. “Oh my God, that’s awesome!”

Ray shook his head, smiling in amusement. “Is he really that famous in the art world?” he asked curiously.

She nodded. “He’s… he’s really good,” she said. “In the New York art community, he may not be the most famous artist around, but he’s really well known because of how dark his art is. I mean, it’s not even all dark topics, but he has this really focused technique. It’s really amazing,” she said, shaking her head. “He must have trained for ages to get that good. I always wonder who he studied when he was younger to develop his style.”

Ray bit his lip to fight a laugh. “Richard Case,” he offered and she frowned.

“Hmm, I don’t recognize that name.” She looked down at her watch. “I’ll have to look that up later,” she said, then waved, turning to walk away, turning the corner soundlessly.

Ray turned back to the painting. He examined the other two, one, as he’d already noticed, was of Lance, but the other was an almost abstract painting of a foot. It was interesting, as was the portrait of Lance, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from turning back to the large, haunting painting he had been examining before. He stood close, examining the individual faces of the monsters and noticed some of them weren’t scary monsters but frightened faces of people he recognized. He was just looking closely at each of them, having noticed one was very reminiscent of Mikey from some time ago, when a voice startled him once again.

“It’s like you’re standing at the bottom of a deep hole, trapped and lost.” Ray didn’t turn after his start since he recognized Gerard’s voice.

“What is?” Ray asked softly. He turned and saw an uneasy look on Gerard’s face as he, too, examined the painting. “Gerard?”

Gerard offered a bitter smile. “Addiction.” He took a breath. “It’s easier now, easier every day, but at the start, when you’re first really coming out of it…” He trailed off, shuddering before his eyes roved to the middle of the painting, focusing on the white spot. “It’s like… being in the bottom of a well sort of but like… a well full of monsters,” he said, voice shook as he fought to put something into words that only he could feel. “And you know,” he said, voice full of emotion as he gazed at the circle, eye twitching slightly. “You know that you have to fight them to get better.”

Ray examined Gerard’s face rather than the painting. “Fight them?”

“The demons,” Gerard supplied. “You have to fight them and face every ugly part of yourself and the world. And it’s so hard because the light looks so far away and you can’t help but wonder if it’s even worth it sometimes.” He blinked rapidly, swallowing visibly. “You feel like coming out of your haze is opening up a Pandora’s box of bad things. And every minute you fight the urge to just use again so you don’t have to see things in the light.” His fingers twitched at his side, eyes unfocused and damp as he stared blankly at the painting. “And you start to see how much you’ve lost and how far you’ve lost yourself and you feel like- like you’ve disappointed everybody and the guilt-“ He swallowed, voice thick. “The guilt is like swimming in tar. You fight the demons and swim in your guilt and all of it is because you can see a tiny pin-prick of light and know that _that_ is happiness. That’s what you want to get to, but it’s just- it’s so hard to convince yourself that it’s going to be good enough when you get there- like, it was worth the fighting. And it would be so much easier to just… not. To just use again. And just give up.” Ray just stared at Gerard’s face. He blinked rapidly, then seemed to come out of it, glancing over at Ray. 

“Well, it was for me,” he all but whispered, shrugging weakly. “Most artists have something dark in their past. Pain is inspiration and all that,” he said simply. He smiled weakly, sniffling a little, eyes still glassy as he looked back at the painting. “It’s probably why I’m so good now,” he joked, letting out a broken giggle. Ray just watched him, still silent. Gerard tossed his hair and turned his wide eyes, almost green from the soft, white light in the gallery. He was shaking slightly, almost jerking and twitching rather than shivering. His mouth twitched and he blinked. “You gonna say something?” he asked, sounding uncomfortable.

Ray just shook his head slowly as he stared at Gerard’s face, his own void of any clear emotion. “I’m not really sure what I could say,” he admitted, voice weak and husky. 

Gerard just pressed his lips together and nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets after tucking his hair behind his ears. He turned his eyes back to the painting as he rocked on the balls of his feet a little before speaking in a small voice. “Okay.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“But no, like… the blood is all wrong, you know?” Gerard said, waving his hand to gesture at the big-ass television as a whole. “See, like- that? A person has a lot of blood in them, but that’s just… dude, she’s a small girl and that room is coated and then there’s blood still seeping out of her guts, you know?”Gerard said, rolling his eyes. “I mean, seriously, get a better idea of the amount of blood in a human body.”

Ray snorted. “Why do you know how much blood a slashed up body would leave splattered around the room?” he asked, shooting Gerard a suspicious look from the other end of the couch. “You chopping people up now?”

Gerard rolled his eyes, smiling his crooked smile. “Dude, it’s a few pints. A pint is fucking small. And yeah, the blood splatters pretty far but that’s a decent sized bedroom and the _walls_ are coated, you know? It just doesn’t work that way. Blood gets really thick fast so like, sure it might splatter and run but to cover all the walls and ooze down to the floor it would have to be a LOT of blood.”

Ray shook his head. “But what about like, maybe it’s not running down the walls, but is splattered? Like, you can’t SEE the floor, for all you know maybe there’s only shoulder height splatters all over?” He grinned when Gerard took a deep breath, clearly a sign he was about to embark on a long explanation.

“How about we stop talking about blood?!” Stacey suggested, rolling her eyes. “Why am I even here, Gerard? It’s night time, you’re watching a horror movie with Ray, I’m not doing any work!”

“You’re our referee!” Gerard snapped. “You can call Ray on his bullshit and side with me,” he said with a grin that Ray hadn’t seen in years. “It’s what you do. You make sure somebody has your back on calling the other person’s bullshit and since I pay you, you have to agree with me,” he said, almost warningly.

Ray smiled in amusement as they began bickering, Gerard’s messy black hair getting tossed more than a few times as ink-stained fingers swung around when Gerard gesticulated wildly to explain his point. He watched in amusement as Gerard tucked his hair behind his ear, exposing a long streak of blue paint down his jaw, standing out against his black hair and porcelain skin. Ray was shaken from his observations as his phone rang in his pocket. He fished it out, ignoring the way the other two stared in confusion at a call that late at night. He examined the display and quickly opened it. “I’ll be right back,” he told Gerard and Stacey, jumping up to head to the guest bedroom where he’d been staying. “Hey Bob!”

“Dude, where the fuck are you?! It’s been over a week since you were meant to finish in LA. You said you had some shit to do back in Jersey but really?! Nearly two weeks later and you’re still there without bothering to call home?” Bob said, clearly annoyed.

Ray cringed. “Sorry but the ‘shit to do’ is pretty heavy. I meant to call and all but I haven’t really wanted to sit down and explain anything yet.”

Bob paused. “You know… if something’s wrong, you can tell me. You know that, right?” he asked.

Ray sighed, sitting down on the bed. “I hope you’re sitting down,” he said tensely. He took a deep breath and launched into his story of being discovered by his not-so-ex husband and having to hole up with him until they could re-divorce each other. “And now it’s only about three weeks before I’m done here,” he said softy.

“Whoa, heavy,” Bob said, earning a chuckle. “Look, I get it’s a lot, but you kinda need to get back. You’ve got that contract coming up. You have to get those three tracks down by the end of _this_ week,” he informed him and Ray groaned.

“Aw shit, I forgot about that!” he said, then growled slightly. “Alright, I’ll see if Gerard will freak out on me if I fly back to Chicago for the week. I’ll talk to you later for real, man,” he promised.

“You better,” Bob said gruffly. “Get it done and get home, Toro.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray cringed as Gerard paced, fussing at him. He’d waited until the next morning, after he’d bought his ticket, to tell Gerard he had to go back to Chicago for a week. Gerard, as expected, didn’t take it well. “And what if you like- break your phone and I can’t get a hold of you and you disappear off the face of the planet and I like… am fucked?!” he demanded.

Ray snorted. “Gerard, I’m not going to skip out on divorcing you, okay?! And if I die, the only way I’ll fall off the face of the planet, then it’s a done deal anyways, no need to divorce me if I’m dead.”

Gerard glared. “You know I can’t just _trust_ that nothing goes wrong. What if you like… get hit in the head and are in a coma and like… never die?!” Ray glared. “Not that I WANT you to die, fuck, I just- this is real to me, okay?” he pointed out. He shoved his fingers through his hair, looking around. “My career could be fucked up by gossip if rumors start like this. I’m pretty sure there are contracts that are probably illegal since I still legally have a husband. I’m not sure _what_ but like, the point is I’ve been basically lying on legal documents for the past thirteen years and if something happens before we get this shit over with, I could be fucked, Ray! FUCKED!” he cried desperately.

Ray put his hands on Gerard’s shoulders, shaking him slight. “Gerard, calm down,” he said and Gerard sighed, eyes wide still. “Look, I get that you have a serious career now and this is serious, but _I_ have a contract to finish recording a few songs by the end of the week. I _have_ to go get in the studio like… yesterday, you get me?” he said. “I’ve got limited time to record three whole songs worth of guitar parts. That isn’t impossible but it’s not easy.”

Gerard groaned. “Oh fuck me, whatever,” he said, shaking his head as he shook off Ray’s hands. “But, I’m coming with you,” he said and Ray just blinked. “What? If you’re dying in a car accident, I’m gonna be there to make sure you’re really dead,” he said and Ray gaped. Gerard cringed. “Not like _that_ , good God, I don’t wish death on anybody,” he cried in exasperation. “But like, I’m just not taking chances on this.”

Ray just shook his head. “You are one fucked up little dude, Gerard, swear to God,” he said, sighing. “Whatever, go order a ticket, the plane’s this afternoon so you better hurry,” he instructed, waving Gerard off.

Gerard scoffed. “I’m fucked up? You’re the one who didn’t divorce me properly and got us in this mess to begin with!” he snapped, clearly annoyed, though he turned and left anyways. Ray just flinched at Gerard’s claim.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When they got onto the plane, Ray felt awkward settling in first class. “Seriously, Gerard, this wasn’t necessary-“

Gerard glared. “I’m bad enough flying, last thing I need is a strange person coughing on me the whole way,” he said, settling awkwardly into his seat. When Gerard ordered his ticket, he had upgraded Ray’s to first class as well, paying for it himself just so he didn’t have to sit in economy or by himself in first class. “Seriously, I’ve got the money, don’t worry about it,” he said in what Ray could only assume was an offhanded way.

“Yeah, money that pays your bills and your assistant and your naked teenagers,” Ray said, only to cringe and color slightly as the old lady across the aisle started at his last claim. “I mean,” he hissed. “You’re not exactly rolling in extra cash,” he said.

Gerard snorted. “I don’t _spend_ my money on much, Ray. And I sold four paintings in the last three weeks. I’m good,” he reassured. “And soon I get my first check from Dark Horse as an advance for the work I’ll miss while drawing up my comic for them. And those three hanging in the gallery from the other day are being auctioned off in two days. I’ve been told the centerpiece is starting really high anyways,” he said. “And auctions always mean big bucks, even if half of the auction price is going to charity.”

Ray just shook his head. “It’s amazing you’ve become so successful,” he said in complete awe. Gerard just colored slightly and smiled shyly, shrugging awkwardly as he fidgeted.

“I got lucky,” he said simply. “Story of my life, fuck up and get lucky.”

Ray chuckled, drooping in his seat. “I don’t know, the ones of us who didn’t think you were going to blow up the school all could tell you were talented, I just don’t think anybody expected you would end up making art for a living,” he pointed out. “Your mom always figured you would end up like… teaching art or something. Nobody figured you’d be famous for doing what you like.”

Gerard shrugged. “Literally nobody figured you would end up playing guitar for a living,” he said. “I mean, we all thought you were good, but you didn’t even want to be in a band with Frank in high school,” he pointed out. “And look at where you ended up.”

Ray snorted. “I didn’t want to be a guitarist. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I just never was happy with any of my jobs I tried. It wasn’t until Bob asked me to fill in once for a guy he knew and people heard and it got out and boom! A session guy in the Chicago scene,” he said. “Bob like… knows people. They all seem afraid of him,” he added, grinning. “But you know Bob, you get some good name-drops.” He shrugged. “I don’t get paid a lot, I still live with Bob, but it’s better to be getting by doing what I like than fucking bartending again,” he said, cringing.

Gerard just smiled. “You know, this is going to sound just like something I should say to be polite, but I really mean it when I say that I’m glad you found your place, dude,” he said honestly, eyes as earnest as ever. “Not everybody finds their spot and gets there, you know? I mean, we all got pretty lucky. The four least likely to succeed kids from a shitty little town and we all ended up in our spot in the end,” he said, nodding.

Ray nodded, looking down at his hands before looking around the cabin. “You know, it’s funny how things work out,” he said. “I’m pretty damn sure the last place I ever expected to find myself was first class and the last person I ever expected to find myself beside is probably you,” he said. “You or Bon Jovi,” he added.

Gerard grinned. “Dude, Bon Jovi would be fucking awesome to get set beside,” he agreed and Ray laughed, rolling his eyes.

It wasn’t until they hit a patch of turbulence that Ray realized exactly how uncomfortable Gerard really was with flying. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, watching Gerard’s mouth moving, though his eyes were shut. He looked down and saw Gerard’s knuckles white on the armrest. “Gerard?” he asked, leaning forward a little to look at him. Ray’s brows furrowed. “Are you _praying_?” he asked, noticing the way Gerard’s brow furrowed even more with every rattle. He didn’t even think as he grabbed Gerard’s hand. “Hey, Gerard-“

Gerard snatched away, eyes snapping open. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed, only to whimper as they rattled again. “Okay, I lied,” he retracted, reaching out to grab Ray’s right hand, squeezing it in his left when the plane dropped a little. 

Ray just cringed sympathetically, letting Gerard squeeze his hand. “It’s just a little turbulence, it’s not even bad-“

“I don’t like flying,” Gerard stressed, eyes wide and fearful. “I hate it even when it’s a calm flight,” he added, shuddering. “Why do you think I don’t go to LA all that often? I could sell tons of shit out there, I just prefer staying in New York because the flight sucks more dick than Lance does,” he said and Ray bit back a laugh, knowing it would only piss Gerard off.

“It’s okay, just… talk to me,” he said, knowing from experience with Bob, who also hated flying, that the best way to handle turbulence for someone afraid was to distract them. “Do you want to hear about the time Pete Wentz made the mistake of trying to kiss Bob and almost broke the hearts of thousand of preteen girls by nearly getting murdered by a tech?” he asked expectantly.

Gerard paused, eyes flickering up. “Sounds funny. I don’t like Pete in general, so this would be a nice story to hear,” he said and Ray bit back a smile.

“Why don’t you like Pete?” he asked curiously. “He’s annoying but he’s a nice guy.”

Gerard cringed. “He’s seen my baby brother naked, I don’t want to converse with people who have seen my brother naked. I mean, his wife doesn’t count cause she’s cool, but really… I don’t like being reminded how big of a whore my sweet baby brother used to be and Wentz references it without fail if he sees me.”

Ray just laughed. “Alright, so basically it was two years ago, right?” he started, letting Gerard squeeze his hand every time the plane jerked, all without pausing his story, even when Gerard was laughing so hard he was crying. By the time he finished, the turbulence had passed and Gerard had bravely taken his hand back in order to wipe tears of laughter off his face.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray was somewhat surprised when, on the train from the airport, the two whispering guys a few seats away from them actually stood up and walked over, looking down at Gerard. “Excuse me,” the smaller one said, earning a raised eyebrow from Gerard. “Um, are you Gerard Way?” he asked, looking like he felt awkward.

Gerard smiled. “Yeah, how’d you know?” he asked.

The taller one smiled suddenly. “We’re students,” he said and Gerard nodded. “We’ve been studying your work and wow, we just really love it,” he said.

The other one nodded. “You’re amazing, and we sort of just… had to know if it was really you,” he gushed.

Ray raised an eyebrow as Gerard took it without a single ‘what the fuck’ expression on his face as the two young guys continued to gush about him and his work. He had been watching Gerard scribble on a receipt earlier and was amused to see he had flipped it over and, as the boys gushed about him, he was quickly sketching the two of them on the tiny scrap of paper. He heard the next stop announced and looked up at the map to check before touching Gerard’s forearm. “Hey, this is our stop.”

Gerard looked up and nodded. “Sweet,” he said, and then turned to the guys he was talking to. “It was nice to meet you guys, I hope one day I see your work hanging in the gallery next to mine somewhere,” he said, handing them the sketch of themselves. Ray just watched as they rushed off, after a gracious thanking, practically beside themselves.

“Wow,” Ray said, shaking his head as the train stopped and they stood.

Gerard scoffed. “Hey, they were sweet,” he said, smiling in a slightly bashful manner. “I remember being a student and it was tough as hell. I’d have _killed_ to run into one of my idols.”

Ray shook his head. “Would you have made a massive dork out of yourself like them?” he asked as he eyed Gerard. “Wait, don’t answer that. You’re you, of course you would,” he said and Gerard glared.

“Oh fuck you, dude,” he said, giggling slightly. “I’m not a dork, everybody else just doesn’t know how to be happy.” He shoved at Ray. “Now move your ass, this train isn’t waiting for us to get our ass off,” he said, nodding at the doors that were already opening.

Ray snorted. “You’re still a bossy fuck,” he said, letting Gerard usher him out. Now that the tension that had been there for the entirety of the last two weeks was broken, it was a lot less uncomfortable for Ray to deal with Gerard without the crushing awkwardness that had surrounded them both.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray’s first stop was his and Bob’s place. Their apartment wasn’t half as nice as Gerard’s loft but it was a decent place. It was nighttime so the walk from the train stop to the apartment wasn’t crowded like it could’ve been during the morning. Ray rolled his eyes as Gerard dragged his bag along, too lazy to pick it up. “You know, you should’ve packed less shit,” he said, grabbing the handle from behind Gerard’s hands, taking it from him, his own backpack not bothering him in the least.

Gerard glared. “I have to have my all my stuff, Ray. Like, half of that’s notebooks and sketchpads and my entire pencil kit-“

“Again, you should’ve packed less,” Ray said.

Gerard shrugged. “I just packed less clothes, dude. It works out.”

Ray frowned. “Define ‘less clothes’,” he said skeptically, shifting to his other hand so he could worm his keys out of his pocket as they came to the door of the building.

Gerard shrugged, shifting his other bag. “Like, I kinda wear my clothes until they smell bad or have shit on them, and it’s only for a week so like… two tee shirts besides this one, the pair of jeans I’m wearing, my pajama pants, and like… one pair of pants and a vest and a white shirt just in case, cause I like looking nice sometimes,” he said, shrugging. “Oh and a tie,” he added.

Ray snorted. “So in a week you only plan on wearing three shirts, one pair of jeans, one pair of pajama pants, and _maybe_ a nice outfit?” he asked. “Seven days and that’s your plan?” Gerard gave him a blank look. He rolled his eyes as he got the door open and walked in, holding it behind him for Gerard to follow. “At least tell me you packed more than three pairs of boxers and socks,” he teased.

Gerard snorted as they started up the stairs. “I realize it’s been a good thirteen years since you had a look at my closet, Ray, but do you really think I’d suddenly start wearing underwear?” he asked, earning a bark of surprised laughter from Ray, who shook his head as they started up. “I don’t think I’ve worn boxers since I was about fourteen, I’m not starting now,” he said, ignoring the way Ray just kept laughing. “Fuck off, it’s not that funny,” he barked.

“It’s just the way you said it,” Ray said, shaking his head. “Oh God.” By the time they got to the fifth floor, Ray was fighting not to laugh at Gerard’s struggling. “Alright, only one more and I’m carrying your bag,” he said to Gerard, who glowered as he clung to the rail.”

“I’m thirty-fucking-four years old, Toro. I don’t exercise, I smoke, and I’m _middle aged_ ,” he stressed, panting with every step. “Do you seriously mean to tell me you take these stairs every day?!” he demanded, groaning happily when they finally turned down the hallway at the sixth floor landing.

Ray laughed. “Yeah, well it’s good exercise,” he said, shrugging. “Besides we walk places, we don’t have or take cars,” he explained as he approached his door. “Also, I quit smoking a long time ago.”

Gerard coughed as he leaned against the wall beside Ray’s door. “You’re still only two months younger than me, bastard,” he accused, earning a grin.

“And I look about ten years older, so there you have it,” he said, earning a crooked grin.

“I never said I wasn’t still a sexy motherfucker,” Gerard said, smirking. “I’m just lazy, sedentary, and live off a diet of coffee and cigarettes,” he said pointedly. When Ray got the door open, he sighed. “Thank God.”

Ray walked in, leading the way with the bags. He dropped them on the floor as he stepped into the living area, just past the small entrance area. “Bob, you home?” he called, walking over towards a door, only to have it blast open.

“About time you got home Toro!” a blonde guy said, walking out. “Seriously, I’ve been called like… eight times in the last day about your damn-“ He froze, spotting Gerard. “Ex-husband?”

Ray snorted. “You’ve been called about my ex-husband?” he teased, then walked over to the small kitchen, which was open to the living area, divided only by a bar. “Gerard Way, Bob Bryar,” he said, nodding to them respectively. “You met once but probably don’t remember.”

Gerard hummed, eyeing the blonde man. “No, can’t say I recognize you,” he said, thanking Ray when he handed him a bottle of water from the refrigerator. 

“I think you like… came to see Ray at work once back in New York forever ago,” Bob said. “I remember seeing you,” he said.

Ray smiled. “Great, introduced. So basically,” he started, turning to Bob. “Gerard is convinced that, had he let me come alone, I would hit my head and end up in a coma and never die but never wake up to divorce him,” he said. Bob raised an eyebrow and Ray just rolled his eyes, ignoring the way Gerard cleared his throat at him pointedly. “So, he’s here for the week. And after that, I go back to New York with him until everything’s worked out,” Ray explained and Bob nodded.

“Alright, well it can’t be but a few weeks now, right?” he asked.

Gerard nodded. “This week and just under two more and my lawyer will be back to finally end it properly. I can go back to being divorced,” he said, earning a tight smile from Ray. “This time, my lawyer will make sure it’s done correctly.” He looked around the place. “So… couch?” he asked, eyes darting between the men and the couch in the middle of the room.

Ray nodded. “Couch.” He tossed Gerard’s bag on the couch. “It’s late, so I’ll like, go get you a pillow and shit,” he said and Gerard nodded.

“Sweet, I’ll steal your friend so he can let me back in the building,” Gerard announced, grabbing Bob by the shirt, startling him. “I’m dying for a smoke,” he groaned dramatically, dragging Bob out of the apartment while Ray laughed.

“Um, Gerard? Where’re we going?” Bob asked, looking startled.

Gerard got to the stairs and started down. “The fact I’m willing to come back up these stairs proves how bad I really need a cigarette,” he explained, walking out. “You, stay here and let me back in.” When he got down the steps, he sighed, leaning against the rail as he lit up. The first few drags were like heaven after several hours without a cigarette. However, halfway through his cigarette, he actually started looking around and was amazed by the lights of the skyline. Living in New York, he was no stranger to an amazing skyline, but a new skyline was a nice change of pace as he looked around what could be seen over the trees and buildings across the street. 

It was insane to think he’d come all the way to Chicago to make sure his ex-husband didn’t skip out on divorcing him. Gerard realized how dramatic he had been that morning, but the truth of it was that he was scared. He had closed the door and locked away that part of his life a long time ago and in the last few weeks, a whole Pandora’s box of memories and awkwardness and pain had been ripped open, exposing a past he had tried so hard to forget. He just wanted it over and done with and he wasn’t going to let an uncooperative ex-husband make it even more difficult. Sure, it wasn’t _necessary_ to stalk Ray and force him to sign the papers once the lawyer was back, he could divorce him without him signing the papers, but that was an entirely different, much more involved process and Gerard just wanted this all behind him as soon as possible.

After thirteen years, being around Ray again was the worst ever mix of strange and scary. In his lifetime, Gerard had managed to sever all ties to the disaster that was his mid-twenties. He didn’t have any friends who knew him from those days other than the ones that were enough his family that they could put the past behind and love him unconditionally. Ray, however, was something entirely uncontrollable and unexpected. He was someone who knew Gerard before it all went bad. He knew the old Gerard that the new Gerard was desperately trying to get back to being and only knew stories of the catastrophe that had been a fairly large portion of Gerard’s adult life. He wasn’t family. He hadn’t been for over a decade. He didn’t have the same unconditional ‘it doesn’t matter’ judgment of Gerard’s life that the others did and that was scary. An uncontrolled variable was the last thing any recovered addict wanted to have around. He was a loose thread that needed to be cut and Gerard just wanted to get it over with before Ray managed to pass any more judgments on the Gerard he knew versus the Gerard that existed now.

Gerard just wanted it to all be over and behind him so he could lock Ray Toro back into that box of ‘things I should never think about again’. 

As Gerard finished his cigarette, he stubbed it out and tossed it into the flowerbed beside them. He felt guilty for littering but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about litter-bug tendencies on top of his current situation. When he walked back to the door, Bob let him back in, glaring. “Thank you for smoking that shit before coming to sleep on my couch,” he said sarcastically.

Gerard snorted. “Trust me, I already smell as much like I fucked the Marlboro man as I ever will, dude. One more isn’t making it worse.” Bob just shot him a look as they started back up the stairs, clearly not amused.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray startled awake to the sound of a loud thump followed by a sharp ‘motherfucker!’ that his sleep addled brain could only translate to ‘Gerard’ with a mental groan. He shuffled out of bed to go make sure his house wasn’t destroyed, only to stop and fight back a grin at the sight that met him.

Gerard was sitting on the floor, looking around with a sleepily confused expression painted on his face, black hair messily rumpled all over. “Fuckin’ floor,” he grunted, blinking as he shifted some, only to look like he was weighing the option before simply leaning his head on the couch with a sigh.

Ray couldn’t help it. “Gerard, what’re you doing?” he asked, shaking his head in amusement.

“Too tired to get back up,” Gerard mumbled, curling his knees up to his chest as he leaned back against the couch. “Mornings suck ass and your couch sucks ass and you suck ass.”

Ray laughed. “Well, I’ve gotta get to the studio in about two hours so you’re lucky I’m not pissed at you for waking me up,” he said, squatting down beside him. “Wanna get up and lets go to Starbucks-“

Gerard’s eyes shot open. “Coffee?”

Ray nodded. “Coffee.” Gerard made grabby hands and Ray had to fight the part of him that remembered this part of Gerard. Half-asleep, lazy, but coffee-addicted all at once. “Up you go, Gerard,” he said, grabbing his hand to tug slightly.

“Nungh,” Gerard muttered, pouting. “Can’t, I’m too tired. Just go on without me. Save yourself.”

Ray snorted. “Gerard, it’s coffee, not the last life-boat,” he said, standing up. He grabbed Gerard’s hands and hauled him up, laughing when Gerard glowered, swaying slightly.

“I always hated when you did that,” he said, grabbing onto Ray’s wrists to keep from falling over. “Fucking dizzy,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “Coffee?” he asked and Ray nodded, letting go to step back. 

“Are you able to like… get dressed and shit?” Ray asked and Gerard nodded, going to dig through his bag for his toothbrush. 

“Just get me to a Starbucks,” Gerard grumbled, disappearing into the bathroom.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Bob came out of his room about the time Gerard was standing by the door waiting on Ray to tie his shoes. “Seriously, buy boots. Your tying your shoes sucks ass,” he said, glaring. “I need a cigarette and coffee _now_ ,” he said, shuffling unhappily.

Ray laughed. “You fucking coffee addict,” he teased, earning a finger waved in his direction.

“Better coffee and cigarettes than everything else, dude,” he said with a shrug. “Mikey quit smoking and keeps trying to get me to but honestly, it’s better I keep one addiction going than try and deal with the rest without anything,” he explained. “And I have no desire to stop my coffee addiction. I would marry a giant cup of coffee if it was legal.” He frowned. “Actually no, I’d marry a coffee shop owner, cause I’d just drink the giant cup of coffee.” He sighed. “I need to find some really desperate coffee store owner,” he said, leaning against the door. “I don’t have to like him, I’ll just marry him for his coffee. I’m somewhat attractive and some forty-something coffee shop owner has to be looking for a younger, semi-attractive artist,” he said, grinning. “And I’d finally be getting laid again,” he joked, winking at Bob. “You wouldn’t happen to be gay, a coffee shop owner, and looking for a semi-attractive husband would you?” he asked.

Ray snorted, shoving Gerard at the door. “Pretty sure there’s something in the code that makes it so not cool for my best friend to hit on my ex-husband,” he said and Bob snorted.

“Sorry, I like chicks and don’t like smokers,” he said and Gerard sighed.

“Oh Bob, my heart, its broken,” he said, sniffling dramatically, laughing at the expression on the blonde’s face as Ray shoved them out the door, shutting it behind them with a wave to Bob. “I love him,” Gerard said, grinning.

Ray laughed. “Stop fucking with Bob’s head. He’s just… shy,” he said, shrugging. “Now come on, my studio time starts soon,” he said, shoving his keys down into his pocket as he and Gerard started down the stairs. “We’ll get coffee and then you can either wander around town or come hang out.”

Gerard hummed. “What’s there to do in Chicago?” he asked, shoving his hands in his pocket. “Like, during the day. Any good art museums around here?” he asked curiously.

Ray nodded. “Sure there are… not sure where at but you can find one easy,” he said. “Why, gonna spend your days vacationing?” he joked and Gerard nodded.

“Basically,” he said, looking up. “I’m not gonna get in your way since you didn’t get in mine while I was working. I may like… take up a spot and just draw random shit all day or something.”

Ray snickered. “Want me to just abandon you at Starbucks?” he asked. “Or like… no, I should at least get you a map,” he said, humming to himself.

Gerard rolled his eyes. “I am a grown man, Ray. One older than you. Who lives in New York City,” he added. “I’ll be fine. I remember the address of your building if all else fails,” he explained. “Also, I think my phone has GPS,” he said, tugging it out of his pocket. “Maybe.”

Ray sighed. “Fine, but like… meet me back there by like… at least six,” he said.

Gerard nodded. “I’ve got it, Ray. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.”

Ray snorted. “Yeah right,” he said in disbelief, holding open the door for Gerard at Starbucks. It wasn’t until Gerard had already walked into the store that he realized he just _held the door_ for him. Ray really had no idea why the hell he’d felt the need to do that.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After finding Gerard safely at the apartment when he’d gotten back from working on the recordings the first night, Ray wasn’t as worried about accidentally losing Mama Way’s baby, which made it easier to record. The producer was happier as well, since he wasn’t checking his phone every five seconds to see if he had gotten a call from Gerard after having been hit by a cab or something.

He was finished with one song and well into the second, having gotten nearly all of it worked out and recorded already. He was sitting with the mixer, who was making sure they had it, to see if he needed to do some more, when Bob came in. “Yo Toro, what’s up?” he asked.

Ray smiled. “Nearly done with the second song. The sooner I get done with these, the less time I’ve got to worry about Gerard walking around Chicago alone and getting lost.”

Bob shook his head. “Don’t worry, I told him where to find that guidebook we’ve got. You’ve still got it in your desk in your room, right?” he asked.

Ray shot him a look. “Yeah, but it would be nice to ask me before telling somebody to rifle around through my shit. There are things I don’t want people to see in there. I mean, I doubt Gerard would care to see my songbook and hope to find juicy secrets, but that shit’s personal,” he said pointedly.

Bob snorted. “The man saw fat you naked. Trust me, if he finds anything more embarrassing than his memories of you fat and naked, I don’t know you very well,” he mused, earning a groan.

“Can we please agree to pretend Gerard is just a visiting old friend, not my ex-husband? Please?” he begged, earning snickers. “Bite me, Mick,” he said, pointing at the producer. “Seriously, let’s drop this?!” Ray said, trying to think if there was anything he really didn’t want Gerard to see anywhere in his desk. He couldn’t think of anything, but there were a lot of things in the bottom of those drawers he hadn’t looked at in years. He could only hope Gerard would grab the book and go.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard felt somewhat awkward digging through Ray’s desk, but he wanted to find that guide book so he could find some more galleries to check out. He opened the first drawer and found some notebooks. He shifted a few, only to notice one that was open. He looked around suspiciously, but picked that one out, looking at the page it was open to. He couldn’t tell what it said, but he recognized from years spending time with a guitarist that it was tabs to a song. He couldn’t find a title but he figured it had to be Ray’s composition. He flipped through a few pages and found random notes scribbled in Ray’s cramped handwriting in the margins of more and more tabs.

He replaced the notebooks full of music and pulled open the bottom drawer. It was much deeper and held more papers and books. He made a face when, halfway through the stack, he found a wayward porn magazine with naked women on the cover. “Ew, boobs,” he muttered, quickly shoving that away as he looked for the guide book, which he found just beside the porn magazine. However, through his riffling, he noticed something that looked like charcoal on sketch paper lying at the bottom, underneath the spine-up style of all the books and notebooks and magazines and bundles of papers standing in the deep drawer. He shoved the porn magazine and the guide book next to it aside and carefully tugged the page free, only to feel his eyes widen and his heart stop.

It was one of his drawings. He clearly recognized his own work. He examined the sketch and sat back on his heels, noticing his scrawled signature and date in the bottom corner. He bit his lip, fighting the smile that wanted to surface as he stared at the page, his hands shaking. 

It was a sketch of thin, ink-stained fingers laced with a larger, stronger looking hand. 

Gerard remembered the drawing. He’d drawn it about a year into their marriage. He even remembered Ray wanting it because he was going to just throw it out and Ray stopped him, telling him it was sweet that he drew something that was so _them_. He smiled as he looked at the drawing, only to frown when he realized he’d found one of his sketches from nearly fifteen years ago in the bottom of his ex-husband’s desk. He put down the sketch and turned to the desk curiously. He looked back at the drawer and paused, wondering if his curiosity was worth it.

However, he forgot any respect for privacy as his curiosity got the best of him and he crawled over, digging through the drawer furiously, almost worried about getting caught now that he was actually snooping. As he rifled through, he found three more sketches in the desk.

They were random doodles of dragons and superheroes, but the one he found sticking out of the pages of a folder was one he recognized from _way_ back. He pulled out the sketch of Mikey with fangs and saw the date, confirming his thoughts. _12/5/93_. The drawing was one of the many he did back when they were only friends, long before they’d discovered any attraction to each other. 

As he started to put the folder back, another sheet of paper fell out, only this one was a sheet of notebook paper with his and Ray’s handwriting on it. He picked it up and realized it was a note they had passed in school. He quickly opened the folder and gasped as he found almost every note he and Ray had passed in school, including a few love-letters Ray had written to him that he had returned with little vampires holding out bloody hearts to each other on the back their senior year.

Looking back, that was a little creepy of a way to profess his love for his boyfriend at the time, but Gerard wasn’t as worried about how much of a freak teen-Gerard had been. He was more focused on why his ex-husband still kept dusty old sketches and letters from high-school. Ray had kept letters and notes Gerard would’ve thrown away without thinking about. Stupid little notes such as ‘Did you hear what she said about common denominators?’ or ‘Mr. Burns sucks so much, damn it! I hate homework!’ that were written on scraps of discarded algebra homework.

After their divorce, Gerard had immediately burned all of the pictures of them that his mom hadn’t kept hidden. He’d ripped up sketches he’d drawn of Ray asleep, or Ray’s smile. He’d shoved his ring and the letter Ray wrote him when he left away in a drawer and he wasn’t even sure they hadn’t been thrown away too. He had fought to erase every inch of Ray from his life when they had divorced, but from the looks of it, Ray had clung to every shred of Gerard he had left until they had finally been forgotten in the bottom of his desk.

Other than the ring, which he still _wore_.

Gerard was really starting to wonder exactly how long Ray had held onto the same memories Gerard had fought to erase as fast as possible. He sighed, shaking his head against the headache forming in his temple and grabbed the sketches and letters, returning them to the folder. He put them back and then straightened everything up before grabbing the guide book. He shut the drawers and stood, unable to even think about what he’d just discovered as he walked out, shutting the door to both Ray’s room and that line of thought as he left.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray sighed, setting his guitar aside. “I think that’s it,” he said and the producer rolled his eyes.

“Wait until we get a chance to mix it and see if this is enough,” he said, then nodded. “Take about twenty,” he said, and Ray nodded, going over to sit beside Bob, who was, once again, delivering food. 

“Don’t you have a job?” Ray asked and Bob rolled his eyes. “What?” he asked.

“I’m on my day off and, because of you, I can’t spend it in my own apartment,” he said gruffly, looking down at his phone.

Ray hummed. “And this is my fault how?”

Bob snorted. “Your ex- _thing_ kicked me out of my own kitchen because I apparently block his light,” he said, earning a laugh from Ray. “Seriously, he told me being in the house was throwing off the room’s light and I needed to leave so he could finish his painting. Which he’s doing in the kitchen,” he said, pointing at Ray. “You will repaint our cabinets when that crack fucks it up,” he said.

Ray waved a hand. “Gerard’s fine, his apartment wasn’t all paint-covered when I was there and he works out of his living room.” He hummed. “Speaking of which, the guy went to a few museums and then he’s spent the rest of the time painting,” he said, looking up. “Where’s somewhere he’d like, do you think? Like, I know you don’t know him, but you know more about tourist-y places around here than I do. Where’s somewhere an artist would like?” he asked Bob. “I mean, we’re heading back to New York the day after tomorrow. I feel like it’s only fair I make sure he has a good time while he’s here,” he said.

Bob just stared him down. “You want to make sure your ex, who happened to _stalk_ you back to Chicago to make sure you don’t skip out on _divorcing_ him, has a good time?”

Ray sighed. “Bob, it’s not like that. All that shit’s in the past and I just want my old friend to have fun because, chances are, after this is over, we’ll lock each other back into the ‘do not open’ file in our brains and because of that, he’ll probably avoid Chicago like the plague just on the off chance he runs into me again,” he said. “I was friends with him for a long time. I want to try and come out of this with maybe a little better of a place on his ‘shit list’ than I landed myself when I walked out on him when we were young, you know?” he said. “I won’t even pretend I know what he went through after I left, but from all that I’ve learned from his family and our old friends is that it was really bad. And it’s not my fault, I know, but the point is that he ended up being talked down from jumping off a bridge,” he said and Bob’s eyes widened and his face softened slightly. “Not because of that, but because of what all happened to him after I was gone. And I need to at least negate SOME of the guilt I’ve been feeling ever since I found out how bad his life was while I was living the good life out here, you know?”

Bob nodded. “Yeah, I get it dude. I mean… fuck, I’ve got a heart too,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Look, have you ever been to the stained glass museum on Navy Pier?” he asked and Ray shook his head. “He’d probably really like that, as artistic-brained as he is,” he explained. “Just… send him there or take him there or something. It’ll win you karma points or something.”

Ray grinned. “Yes, I need those karma points,” he teased, then nodded. “Thanks, I’ll see about it.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard rolled his eyes as he did up his tie. “Why are we getting dressed up to go somewhere you won’t tell me?” he asked and Ray rolled his eyes.

“I told you we’re going to dinner first. And I won’t tell you because I think you’re gonna like it so much you won’t want to actually _eat_ and I made reservations because Bob says it’s a great restaurant and I was never a tourist here, I just moved here,” he pointed out.

Gerard snorted. “Poor you,” he said, then tossed his hair. “Alright, am I presentable?” he asked, doing a twirl.

Ray nodded. “I would’ve gone with a jacket since you’ve got on a vest, but I’m not wearing either so it shows my level of say in the matter,” he said, shrugging.

Gerard made a face. “You look better without a tie. I like it,” he said honestly. “I’ve got a skinny neck so the tie doesn’t look weird but you have a kinda thick neck so a tie just makes you look uncomfortable,” he explained. 

Ray shot him a look. “You are trying to talk to anybody about fashion?” he challenged.

Gerard shrugged. “It’s just proportion!” he said, then waved a hand. “Whatever, take me out, bitch,” he said, stopping by the door. “This better be good,” he said and Ray smiled in amusement.

“I hope so.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The entire train ride, Gerard badgered Ray about where they were going after dinner and where, for that matter, they were having dinner. When they finally got there and were seated, Gerard whistled, looking around. “Man, you didn’t have to take me on a date, Toro,” he teased and Ray rolled his eyes, fighting a laugh as Gerard smirked. “Seriously great place though. If it was a date, I’d totally be likely to put out,” he said and Ray choked on his water, glaring at Gerard as he fought not to cough loudly.

“Gerard!” he hissed and Gerard smiled his crooked little smile, shaking his head. 

“I’m not kidding, Ray. I don’t usually put out on a first date but this is pretty damn fancy,” he joked, making Ray snicker.

“I’ll be sure to note that for future girlfriends,” he joked and Gerard made a face.

“Ew, girls.” He sighed dramatically. “Proof fat-Gerard was ugly… I managed to turn you _straight_ ,” he said, making a face. “I must apologize for ruining your life like that,” he said with mock solemnity.

Ray smiled. “Gerard, you were basically a butch lesbian in high-school, I was probably bisexual and just never had time to figure it out,” he said and Gerard gaped.

“I was not a butch lesbian! I was just… just…-“ He frowned. “Wow, holy shit, I _was_!” he gasped, a look of horrified realization crossing his features. “Dude, no wonder I was nearly eighteen before I got laid,” he said and Ray laughed, fighting not to laugh loudly and attract the attention of the other diners.

“Hey, I resent that remark,” Ray said, a twinkle in his eyes. “Admit it, no matter what all shit ended up happening, we were happy when we were kids,” he said and Gerard smiled a content, slightly vacant smile.

“Yeah, I can’t say there’s any regrets there,” he said, sitting up as he tugged at his vest to straighten it. “To be honest, there’s no telling if I’d have ever made it to eighteen if you hadn’t come along anyways,” he said honestly. “Even though things sucked in the end, I was a kid that needed a best friend and you were the perfect person to be that for me,” he said, nodding at Ray.

Ray smiled, nodding back. “In high school, I couldn’t ever understand why I was looking out for people trying to beat up one of the coolest people I’d ever met, but looking back, we were the lamest bastards ever-“

“Oh God yes,” Gerard agreed, giggling. “Dude, oh God, I may still be a massive dork and have no plans on stopping it, but at the time I didn’t _realize_ how fucking lame we all were,” he said and Ray nodded, beaming. “I’m amazed I didn’t kick my _own_ ass in high school, dude.”

Ray just smiled. “Remember that time we found Frankie in the locker and like… we went back later and every one of us pissed in it?” he asked and Gerard snickered.

“Sandra Sondheim’s books smelled like piss for the rest of the semester,” he said, nodding. “I felt bad for that after I realized she was just a random locker-owner, not the dude who shoved Frankie in there,” he agreed and Ray shook his head.

“God, Frankie,” he said and Gerard smiled. “If there’s one truth in the world, it is that Frank Iero is freaking tiny,” he said, earning a grin.

“Yeah, okay, that’s just a fact,” Gerard said, giggling, only to stifle them when the waitress came to take their orders, distracting them from their trip down memory lane.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After dinner, Ray took Gerard to the stained glass museum, though he didn’t tell him where they were going. When they walked inside, Gerard gasped slightly. “Oh… _cool_ ,” he said, turning to Ray. “Holy shit, Toro, it really sucks for you this wasn’t taking some chick on a date, cause you would _seriously_ have gotten laid,” he said, earning a chuckle from the attendant who was a few feet away. “Come on, this is awesome,” he said, grabbing Ray’s hand to drag him down into a gallery.

The walls were covered in both religious and secular stained glass. Gerard walked around, muttering about light and proportion and colors and words Ray didn’t understand while Ray read the little pamphlet. “It says this is the only stained glass museum in the world,” he said, walking as he read. “That’s cool, huh?” he asked, lifting his head, only to see he was alone in the gallery room. “Gerard?” he asked, then walked on, turning the corner.

Around the corner, he found Gerard in front of a window, just staring. The light shining through cast colored shadows across his face. “What?” he asked, noticing the blank look Gerard had as he examined the glass depiction of women.

Gerard just stared. “Ray,” he started, tilting his head. He took a deep breath, cheeks kind of pink. “Do you-“ he paused, biting his lip. “Do you ever regret marrying me in the first place?” he asked in a weak, unsupported voice.

Ray frowned. “What?” he asked, confused and caught off guard by Gerard’s question.

Gerard didn’t look up but he shifted his weight to one leg, arms tight around himself. “Do you ever think that that’s where we went wrong? I mean, shit happens, sure, but we were best friends. Since all this has happened, I’ve wondered some that maybe, if I’m honest, the whole dating and marriage thing was a horrible mistake. I mean, I’ve never really lingered on it because it’s ancient history, but really… I regret it sometimes.”

Ray bit his lip, hands in his pockets. “I don’t,” he said and Gerard started visibly. “Gerard, maybe things sucked in the end, and maybe it didn’t work out, but there’s absolutely nothing I regret about it. It made sense then. Hell, it still makes sense if you look back at it because we didn’t know I would end up leaving you some day. At the time, we were young and in love and you can’t look at anything back then and think that, at the time, we did the wrong things,” he said softly, looking at Gerard. “We were best friends, we had something special, and it would’ve been less logical for us to _not_ fall in love so hard that we couldn’t stand giving each other up. Getting married made sense. Other people didn’t think so, but at that point, there was no doubt in either of our minds that we were going to be together forever anyways, so why not? We were wrong, but there was no way teenaged Ray and Gerard could’ve known that.” He shook his head. “So no, I don’t regret marrying you in the first place because I’d have had to be just plain stupid to let you go.”

Gerard chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head. “The rationality you talk about isn’t rationality, it’s dumb teenagers who thought love was all they needed.”

“That’s the thing about teenagers though, Gerard,” Ray said. “It _was_ all we needed. It wasn’t until we started growing up that we realized it wasn’t.” He smiled. “And no matter how much it hurt, they were good times, don’t you think?”

Gerard looked over at him. “Is that why you’ve got _notes_ we passed in class still?” he asked, shooting him a look.

Ray frowned, clearly thinking, only to blush. “Oh… um, you found that, huh?” he asked, and Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I’d forgotten about it, honestly,” he said sheepishly.

Gerard shook his head. “I didn’t even know you spent two years keeping every little note we passed in class. I mean… there were notes we passed to cheat on our work in class, dude. Why did you want to keep a note about how much Mr. Burns sucked?” he asked, biting back a laugh.

Ray shrugged. “You doodled on stuff. When we were in school, I just liked your scribbles. A lot of it’s before we dated so it wasn’t really anything creepy like ‘I’m a dork and have it bad for my best friend’, I just didn’t want to throw away the scribbles in the margins.”

Gerard smiled and shook his head. “Fuck we were lame,” he said, then looked down, turning back to the stained glass he was examining. “Why did you keep them after you left?” he asked curiously but uneasily.

Ray smiled sadly, looking at the glass as well. “Because I missed you,” he said weakly, and Gerard was unprepared for the way Ray’s words made his gut clench. “When I left… I hated myself,” he admitted. “I couldn’t figure out my own brain. I mean… I was _so_ unhappy but I just… I couldn’t work out how that was enough to make me leave. I had been gone for weeks and still every day struggled with how pathetic and weak I was for leaving you. In my mind, I was weak for letting my own happiness matter more than you,” he admitted and Gerard felt emotions he didn’t want welling up. He could feel a sting in his eyes and nose that he didn’t expect or understand. “Because I won’t even try and pretend I magically stopped loving you when I left. I hated myself for hurting you. I hated that I was so weak I couldn’t just deal with unhappiness because _you_ should’ve been all I needed.” He shook his head, sighing. “I held on for so long. I thought about it every second of the day for weeks.”

Gerard closed his eyes, hoping that Ray couldn’t see the tears slipping down his face. “I didn’t,” he admitted, knowing his voice was shaky and uneven. “I was- I was in shock. I was hurt and my heart was broken,” he said. “I just… threw myself into other things. I ignored the fact you were ever there. I shoved you so far away that I could escape from having to deal with the fact I had been left.” He sniffled some, wiping his face quickly, knowing it was useless to try and hide what Ray had to see. “I worked hard, I partied harder, I fucked around, I just… put all of my pain into energy and did things. And I was alright for a while, I was in school and had focus. By the time I finished, I’d buried you and didn’t ever think of you,” he said honestly. “It got harder when I had graduated and couldn’t get any work, but for the most part, when you left, I shut the door behind you.”

Ray nodded. “I’m glad you could. It sucked ass to spend a good two months getting up every day and wondering if I should go back because I’d made a horrible mistake. But, in the end we both ended up where we needed to be,” he said.

Gerard nodded, smiling as he looked up at Ray. “Yeah, no complaints there,” he said, then turned and headed into the next section. “I mean, I made it through my fuck ups and came out a better person and I can only assume you’re happy with where you’ve ended up. You’ve got a great thing going and if you hadn’t left me, there’s huge doubt I’d have gotten so fucked up I came out a better artist,” he said and Ray rolled his eyes.

“Only you, Gerard Way, could be glad you nearly _died_ because it makes you a better artist.” Gerard just laughed, though he didn’t reply to Ray’s comment.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ray and Gerard were walking back to Ray’s place after they left the stained glass museum when the thunder started. Gerard looked up and frowned. “I hope it doesn’t rain,” he said, eyeing the sky dubiously, though he couldn’t really see the clouds anyways since it was night time.

Ray looked up. “Well, since we’re walking, me too,” he said, only to blink as a drop of water landed on his cheek. “Fuck,” he grumbled and Gerard squeaked as it started to rain all of a sudden.

“Ew, my clothes will be soaked!” he cried, looking around for something to run under.

Ray grabbed his hand. “Come on,” he cried, breaking into a run, dragging along Gerard, who squawked at being dragged along.

“RAY!” He shouted, laughing somewhat as he ran along, trying to keep up. “Toro, I’m old and smoke, I can’t _run_ , none the less keep up with your long legs,” he cried, smiling in spite of it. The rain splattering against his face and his damp hair sweeping into his eyes made it hard to see, so he was somewhat confused when Ray stopped, only to push his hair out of his eyes as he was tugged off the sidewalk. “Ray?! Where’re we going?” he asked, squealing as his feet sank into sand. “RAY!”

“Come on,” Ray said, laughing as he ducked down, tugging Gerard with him. They stopped and Gerard stumbled, frowning as he looked around. 

“We’re under a slide castle?” he asked, looking at the pole he was leaning back against. “Dude,” he said, smiling as he looked around. “Good idea.”

Ray nodded, having to lean forward some, as his head brushed the floor of the slide castle. “I knew we were only two blocks from the park,” he explained. “Hey,” he started, grinning. “Remember that time we got caught smoking with Mikey and Frank at the park and they took off to the car and we ran and hid in the curly tunnel slide and the cops passed us and went after Mikey and Frank?” he asked, making Gerard burst into his very ‘Gerard’ giggles.

“Holy shit, yeah! We hid out for like, a fucking hour,” he said, grinning. “We just sat there whispering back and forth for like… ages.” He snickered. “I remember I felt so awkward because it was around the time I started thinking you were cute and we were like… shoved in a slide together,” he said, smiling at the memory as he blinked rapidly, reaching up to push his hair out of his face, glaring when it didn’t cooperate. “Fucking hair,” he grumbled, pouting.

Ray just smiled, reaching out to sweep his fingers across Gerard’s forehead, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “You’re just as beautiful as ever,” he said without thinking, only to freeze, fingers still on Gerard’s temple, as Gerard’s eyes locked with his, the smile fading from his face. Ray felt an unwelcome swoop as he watched a rivulet of water fall from Gerard’s hair down his cheek, following the contour of his porcelain skin down his cheekbone to his pink lips. Ray couldn’t help the thought of _perfect_ that floated through his mind.

Gerard, swallowed thickly, eyes wide and unwavering as he watched Ray examining his face. His big, brown, warm, friendly eyes softened as they met Gerard’s again. Gerard gasped slightly as callused fingertips skated down his jaw, the rough pads scraping across his skin. His eyes fluttered and he saw Ray’s eyes widen slightly. “Gerard-“ Gerard cut him off as he darted forward, closing the gap between them, only stopping when his lips met Ray’s. Ray’s hand curled around the side of his neck and Gerard brought his hands up, hands holding Ray’s jaw on either side as he kissed him. 

Ray groaned, sliding his hand into Gerard’s wet, stringy hair as he returned the kiss, his other hand going to Gerard’s side, clutching at the damp fabric of the stupid vest he had insisted on wearing. The jolt he felt as soon as Gerard’s lips touched his spread warmth through his body as Gerard kissed him harder, gasping against his lips as Ray shoved him back against the pole behind him, pulling him flush as the kiss deepened, eliciting a soft whimper from Gerard, who melted into him, arms wrapping around his neck. It was only then that a boom of thunder startled them apart, both of them stumbling as they shoved apart. Gerard was panting as he looked at Ray with a look of complete horror on his face. “Oh God, I’m sorry!” he choked out, looking completely in shock about his action. “Oh fuck, dude, I’m so sorry, I just-“

Ray just waved a hand, nodding. “No, no, it’s okay, I mean- I shouldn’t-“ He just trailed off, shrugging helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“No!” Gerard insisted, flapping his hands uselessly. “I, um, it was me,” he said, giving him a helpless look. “I’m sorry.” He sighed. “It’s all just too much,” he said weakly, biting his lip as he leaned back against the pole behind him. “I can’t- it’s just we were talking about shit and the adrenaline and you can’t-“ He trailed off and shook his head. “We can’t act so much like friends like we have been, Ray. It’s fucking with my head and I can’t deal with it if I’m gonna fucking-“ he waved a hand ineffectively. “Relive a fucking moment from the past or some shit and-“ He paused, looking upset by his inability to express himself.

Ray just nodded sadly, feeling all the blood gone from his face. “No, I know and yeah, I just… memories and adrenaline,” he said, shrugging helplessly. “I’m sorry I did that, the whole… touching you and-“

Gerard shrugged sadly. “It’s been a long time since anybody called me beautiful, so I can’t complain too much.”

Ray just sighed, shaking his head. “This is just fucked up all over the place,” he said softly, earning a nod.

“I think we can deal with some rain and walk,” Gerard said, standing. “I’m basically soaked as it is.”

Ray nodded. “Yeah, let’s go,” he said. As they started out, they both felt themselves soaking deeper into their clothes but neither cared how wet they got. They both just wanted to get somewhere they could go in separate rooms and not look at each other.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
That night, as he lay on the couch, curled on his side to face the back, Gerard fought to keep silent as tears poured down his cheeks and his shoulders shook. When he had kissed Ray, he had felt a feeling he hadn’t felt in thirteen years and it hurt. Every bit of it hurt. A part of himself he had forgotten existed had felt peaceful and warm for a brief moment, but now, he just felt an emptiness and pain he hadn’t felt since he’d shut that door in his mind and locked it twice.

As he rolled onto his stomach and pressed his face into the pillow, shoulders shaking violently as he cried harder, Gerard didn’t notice the figure of a person moving from his bedroom to the kitchen. However, the blue eyes didn’t miss the sight of the man on the couch crying into his borrowed pillow on his way back to his bedroom. He just shook his head as he slid back into his room, shutting the door carefully so as not to make his presence known.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard sat outside of the building smoking as he waited for Ray to finish packing so they could head back to New York. They hadn’t really spoke much since they kissed in the park and the tension was clear to them both. He was so lost in his thoughts that he started when the door behind him opened. He looked up, clutching his chest when he spotted Bob. “Jesus fuck, Bob! Give a man a heart attack,” he said, groaning.

“Stop smoking and maybe your heart wouldn’t suck,” Bob said, earning a snort. “Okay, so,” he said, sitting down beside Gerard. “I don’t know what happened and I don’t want to know what happened, but whatever the fuck has Ray silent all of a sudden, I’d really like to know that it’ll be over soon,” he said pointedly.

Gerard cringed. “Trust me, dude. After he divorces me this time, I have no intentions of a repeat of this whole fiasco in another thirteen years.” He took another drag and sighed as he exhaled. “I honestly don’t expect I’ll ever see Ray Toro again after this mess is over. I never expected to see him again after he left me and to be honest, I almost wish I never had,” he said, flicking ash off of his pants.

“Really?” Bob asked and Gerard snorted.

“I was good, damn it. I was doing well and my life has been on track since I settled into sobriety and my artwork is taking off and I’ve got this deal going with Dark Horse Comics in the works and I just-“ He groaned, clenching his eyes shut. “I didn’t need all these memories flying back and smacking me in the fucking face, okay? I forgot him for a reason and I don’t at all enjoy remembering all this shit again.”

Bob nodded. “You know, I don’t think he ever wanted to have to face you either,” he said and Gerard glowered. “No, I’m serious. You didn’t hang around with the rest of us back in New York, but before he left you, he was unhappy, but he dealt with his problems so he didn’t take all the stress home with him and when he left and moved out here, he was a wreck.” Bob shook his head. “He was depressed and upset and completely heartbroken for months and nothing we did could get him over it. He was happier in a general sense but as much as a year later, he’d still be doing something or saying something and then just stop and go pale and twist his ring and I knew he couldn’t get you out of his head. Now, years since he’s gotten past all of that bullshit, after he got burned _again_ by another person and finally got over her, he’s got to deal with you suddenly dropping back into his life over a _decade_ later,” he stressed. “Don’t think all the stress you’re under is only yours, okay? Ray looks bad. Like, he was gone for a few weeks and he looks exhausted when he comes back and I have no idea what the hell you’ve been putting on him or accusing him of-“

“I haven’t said or done anything!” Gerard argued coldly. “I’ve been behaving like the adult I am. Ray has as well. It’s not like I found him again to fuck up his life or accuse him of shit that is _seriously_ water under the bridge. I just want to get legally divorced so that I don’t run into any trouble in the future,” he explained. “However, what he does or doesn’t feel isn’t something I can control. I know he feels a lot of guilt and I’m sorry, I didn’t know my stupid family was going to spill all my fucked up past to him. I don’t blame him for the shit that happened to me and he knows I don’t. Outside of that, there’s nothing I can do about him feeling like shit for how poor little Gerard fucked up his life,” he snapped. “But I’ve got a _great_ life now and I was fucking fine without having to remember ‘oh yeah, you have an ex-husband, remember him?!’ so ease off, damn it,” he snapped, standing up.

Bob groaned, standing up. “Gerard, calm down,” he said, cringing. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like I blame you for Ray being fucked up recently, I’m just saying, you’re not the only one that wants this all ended. I just want you to try and make this shit easier on my best friend, okay? I kind of want him un-damaged when you’re done divorcing him. So back off on hinting and shit,” he said then nodded at his hand. “You’re about to burn yourself,” he informed Gerard before turning around.

Gerard just glanced down and hissed, dropping his cigarette, which was burned down to the filter before it fell on his pants leg.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The entire flight home, neither Ray nor Gerard really spoke. They weren’t behaving as awkwardly as they both worried it would end up being, but the previously released tension was back, almost as if they both feared one wrong thing said would bring a wave of awkward crashing over them. 

When they got back to the loft, Ray and Gerard avoided each other for the most part for a few days. However, on Friday, exactly a week before they were meant to meet with the lawyer to settle things, Stacey’s arrival got their attention.

“GERARD!” she cried, letting herself in. Gerard was standing at his easel, frowning at it. Ray heard her shouting and came out of the guest room, curious as to why she was running in. “GERARD THEY’VE GIVEN YOU AN OFFER!” she cried, dancing around, brandishing papers.

“Who offered Gerard what?” Ray asked and Stacey beamed. 

“Dark Horse!” Gerard perked up, eyes widening. “Take a look,” she said, shoving the papers to Gerard, who took them, rifling through the actual letter.

“Holy shit!” Gerard cried, eyes wide. He looked up, positively elated. “I got a deal for an entire six-issue series!” he cried, throwing his hands up. “Oh my God!” he cried, jumping at Stacey.

Ray smiled as he watched Gerard dancing around with Stacey, only to yelp slightly as Gerard launched himself at him next, hugging him. “Ray, this is amazing!” he cried and Ray smiled, letting Gerard twirl them around.

“Yeah man. Your own comic series has been your dream forever,” he said and Gerard just nodded. Ray smiled, hugging him closer. “I’m proud of you, dude, seriously,” he said, and Gerard giggled gleefully.

“Oh God, I have to go call Mikey!” he cried, tugging out of Ray’s arms to run for his phone. Ray watched as Gerard rushed to his phone and jumped around excitedly as he gushed to his brother about his newest achievement.

Stacey smiled as well, walking to his side. “He’s such a sweet person,” she said, shaking her head.

Ray shot him a fond look. “This is one of his biggest dreams you know?” He shook his head. “In high school he used to draw little pictures of people in class with mocking comic book style speech bubbles. He always said he’d do it professionally one day.”

She smiled. “He’s good enough, that’s for damn sure. And he’s easily a big enough geek,” she added, earning a grin from Ray.

“Oh yeah, definitely.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Gerard and Ray got to Gerard’s mom’s house, everybody was already waiting on Gerard. When they walked in, he was swept up in hugs. “Holy shit, Gee, you’re finally cool!” Mikey cried, hugging his brother tightly. 

Frank snorted. “Fuck that, he was always cool,” he argued, hugging him. “Dude, you are finally doing it,” he said, looking into Gerard’s eyes. “You’re _really_ about to have your own comic line!”

Gerard just laughed happily. “YES!” he cried, moving on to hug his mom tight. 

“My boy, such a successful man,” she said fondly and Ray smiled at how they all seemed to be so proud of Gerard. If he was honest, he was proud of him and he hadn’t ever seen Gerard hitting rock bottom like they had witnessed. He could only imagine what such an achievement meant to those who saw him when there wasn’t a guarantee he would even live to see thirty. “It’s all you’ve ever dreamed of, huh?” she asked with a smile.

Gerard nodded. “Yeah, Ma, I’m so happy! I mean, sure, I’ll lose a lot of my cred as a dark, mysterious artist, but fuck that, I’m gonna be doing a fucking comic series!” he said, beaming.

Donna just smiled. “Alright baby, well dinner’s nearly done, so everybody go get washed up and we’ll sit down,” she said, hugging Gerard again. “You and Ray came just in time.”

When they all sat down, Gerard sat beside Frank while Ray sat on the end opposite Donna. Mikey and Alicia were both arguing about who got to sit in front of Gerard, which amused literally everyone. “Why do you want to sit in front of him anyway? He’s my brother!” Mikey argued.

She shrugged. “Because I can.”

Ray rolled his eyes at them then glanced at Frank. “Where’s your lot tonight?” he asked.

Frank sighed dramatically. “Jamia says Mikey and Gerard together when they get excited is too much of a bad influence on the girls, since they’re starting to learn to talk now,” he said, then shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Gerard snorted. “Fuckin’ baby-nazi,” he said and Mikey nodded.

“It’s ridiculous, she’s just so damn sensitive about those damn babies,” he said, then bit his lip, shooting Gerard a look, which was returned with a broken giggle.

Ray rolled his eyes. “You two are ridiculous,” he teased, earning glares from each direction. “Ow, my _soul_ ,” he whined, shrinking back dramatically.

“Alright, behave _children_ ,” Donna said, rolling her eyes as she sat down. “All of you are like kids,” she said and Mikey snorted.

“Gerard is,” he said and Gerard kicked him under the table, smiling innocently when Mikey yelped, clutching at his foot under the table.

Most everybody got quiet while they ate, tearing into Donna’s delicious lasagna. It wasn’t until everybody had neared cleaning their plates that conversation resumed. “So Gerard,” Alicia asked. “What’s your comic going to be about?” 

Gerard bit his lip. “I’m kind of thinking like… maybe super hero kids? Or like, anti-hero kids? Not sure. I’ve got some art drawn out already, I’ve just got to think up the story better, you know?” he said, smiling excitedly. “We’re meeting to do the final shit Monday. I’m so excited!” he gushed. “I’ll have it better organized by then.”

Mikey nodded. “And hey, with your divorce thing happening Friday, you’ve probably got plenty of good brooding to do and that always helps your dark work,” he said offhandedly.

Ray froze and Gerard gaped. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Mikey shrugged. “You’ve been really happy lately so that can’t help your work. You’re always making moody depressed artwork and stuff,” he said. “If you get too happy you’ll kind of stall out. So this is good for you.”

Gerard just stared hard. “So you’re saying it’s a good thing I’m going through a really fucked up situation in my life because it’s good _inspiration_?!” he asked.

Mikey didn’t seem to understand that Gerard was actually getting upset. “Well yeah. Why not?”

“This crap isn’t funny, Mikey,” Gerard spat. “Do you have any idea how fucked up I’ve been the last MONTH over having to relive my fucking divorce?!” he demanded, hands on the table. “Do you think any inspiration is worth all of this crap?! I have been rubbed fucking _raw_ from this shit! I fucking _cried myself to sleep_ one night last week and you think I should be _glad_?!” he demanded.

“Look, Gerard, I didn’t mean it like that-“ Mikey’s defense was cut off.

“Yeah well how about you shut the fuck up then?!” Gerard cried, standing up roughly from the table, turning to storm out.

Ray cringed. “Shit,” he hissed, standing up. “Gerard!” he called, following him. He walked out and just caught the door to the basement shutting. He knocked slightly but then walked down, not waiting for an answer. When he got to the bottom of the stairs he stopped and sighed, watching as Gerard paced back and forth, one hand over his mouth as the other was curled around his waist. “Gerard,” he said softly, catching his attention.

Gerard looked up, pale and shaky. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so dramatic, I just-“ he stopped and seemed to search for words, only to find none as he threw his hands up. “I don’t think they really grasp how much this is hurting me,” he said weakly.

Ray sighed. “Well, if anybody does, it’s me,” he said and Gerard slumped.

“I just-“ Gerard shook his head, voice cracking. “Why did this all have to be piled on me once I’m finally _okay_ for once in the last decade?” he asked weakly, tears in his eyes.

Ray walked over. “Gee,” he said holding out his arms. Gerard just collapsed against his chest, shaking and whimpering as his fingers twisted in the back of Ray’s shirt, holding him tight. “Trust me, I know what you mean, okay?” he said, holding him close. “I don’t know why this had to happen at all. I hate it so bad.”

“I had finally gotten over all of my bad memories, Ray,” he whispered. “I got those bad memories from trying to erase you and now that I was finally over all of it, our failed marriage was shoved back in my face long before I was strong enough to deal with it.”

Ray closed his eyes, playing with the ends of Gerard’s hair. “I know, Gee, I know,” he soothed, pressing a kiss to his head. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only person in the world who can understand how much it hurt to see your face again after thirteen years,” he admitted.

Gerard whimpered. “It hurt so bad,” he agreed. “It was like everything I’d done to ease the pain from back then had failed and I was faced with the pain from losing my husband at twenty fucking years old mixed with stronger than ever urges to numb the pain the old ways.”

Ray cringed, shaking his head. “God, when I started hearing about how fucked up you ended up being, I blamed myself so hard. I know it’s not fair to give myself all the blame, but when I left you, I was so ashamed of myself and so guilty already. If I had known you would’ve ended up that way, I don’t know if I could’ve lived with myself.” He held Gerard when he shook. “Mikey had no right to say that to you. Nobody would want to feel this way,” he said softly.

Gerard just sniffled. “I just want this to be over, Ray. I want to stop living like this. Everything feels so uncomfortable and awkward and every day brings up old memories and it _hurts_.”

Ray nodded, looking down at Gerard, who was looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. “I know,” he said, raising a hand to swipe his thumb across Gerard’s cheek. He smiled sadly. “You know, I want it all to end, but in a way, I’m sort of glad,” he said and Gerard tilted his head curiously. Ray bit his lip, knowing what he was about to say would be almost too honest. “It’s nice that I got to see you again. You will always be the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” he said, feeling his own throat tightening as he stroked Gerard’s hair from his face. “Always.”

Gerard just whimpered. “Ray,” he breathed weakly. Ray shocked himself almost more than Gerard when he leaned in, pressing a kiss to Gerard’s lips. Gerard let out a broken, desperate, pained sound, but kissed back, sliding his hands from around Ray’s waist to wrap around his shoulders, one hand curled around the back of his neck. Ray curled his arms tighter around Gerard’s hips, holding him close as their kiss took a turn towards desperate. Both of them released all of their anger, pain, fear, and frustration into the kiss as their hands began to roam.

“Fuck, Ray,” Gerard gasped, gasping for breath, only to cry out softly as Ray’s lips refused to leave his skin, traveling from his mouth to his throat. “Oh God,” he gasped, curling his hand in Ray’s hair. 

“Fuck, Gerard,” Ray groaned, letting Gerard pull him back into a kiss. Together, they stumbled over a few boxes, half-falling and fumbling until they got to the old, dusty bed in the corner. Still pawing at each other and kissing desperately, they fell onto it, rolling across it until they were on their sides, bodies pressed together from lips to legs. 

“Fuck,” Gerard hissed as his hips pressed forward, creating friction that almost surprised him. Ray moaned and shoved him over on his back, leaning over him as he kissed him at the same time as he fumbled with Gerard’s belt. Gerard got the idea and reached down, taking over for Ray, still kissing him as he undid his belt and pants, reaching over to tackle Ray’s.

Gerard could barely get his hand in Ray’s pants before Ray had shoved his pants and shorts down his hips just far enough to get a hand on his erection. They both moaned, kissing desperately as they moved to lay on their sides, hands crammed down each other’s pants frantically. Gerard hooked his ankle around Ray’s calf and used the leverage to thrust into Ray’s fist, stroking him harshly as they both lost themselves in the feeling, allowing instinct to take over for their vacant brains.

They were both so worked up it only took minutes before they were both on edge, panting against each other’s lips. The sound Ray made as he came into Gerard’s hand, clutching tightly at Gerard’s hip with his free hand, was enough that Gerard only had to thrust his hips into Ray’s fist twice before he followed, back arching as he came harder than he had in ages.

As they both fought to catch their breath, lying facing each other, Gerard suddenly jerked, sitting up quickly as he realized what they had just done. “Oh,” he breathed in shock, quickly wiping his hand on the bedspread, tucking himself back into his pants as he sat up, feet over the edge of the bed. He stared out into the room and then put his elbows on his knees, letting his head hang. “Oh God,” he groaned.

Ray lay staring up at the ceiling, trying to process what the _fuck_ had just happened. “Shit,” he said and Gerard snorted.

“Damn straight.”

Ray sighed, redoing his pants as he sat up and scooted over to sit beside Gerard. “Gee, just breathe,” he said, curling his arm around Gerard’s waist. Gerard let his head fall onto Ray’s shoulder, eyes shut. “It’s going to be okay,” he said, curling both arms around Gerard, holding him against his chest. “I promise, we’ll figure this out,” he said, kissing his cheek. 

“Nothing is okay, Ray,” Gerard said despondently. “Everything is gone to hell.”

Ray just shook his head, holding him close. “We’ll work this out. We have to just… talk about this when we get back to the apartment and work this out. Just- Just don’t let your brain get to going too hard, okay?” he said, kissing Gerard’s temple. “I’ll make this easier for us, okay? I promise.”

Gerard just nodded weakly, letting his brain ignore how fucked he was and let his heart take a little solace in how much of a comfort his ex-husband’s arms were around him.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It was late when they got back to the apartment, but neither of them could avoid trying to figure out their behavior until the next day. After taking a break to cool down and, for Gerard, change into some ratty pajamas and a hoodie in an attempt to make it slightly less stressful of a situation, they sat on the couch facing each other, though they never met eyes.

“So,” Ray said, taking the initiative to break the silence. “We sorta… um-“

Gerard sighed, rolling his eyes. “Had sex in my childhood bed,” he said, looking up.

Ray flinched. “Well… yeah, sort of,” he said, shrugging. “Would’ve been pretty hard to have actual sex with that many clothes on.” Gerard just stared.

“Your brain,” he said, breaking into a small smile as he shook his head. “That sounded like some of my logic there,” he admitted.

Ray groaned. “I’ve been back for too long,” he said, glancing up. “I guess Way is contagious, huh?” he said softly.

Gerard smiled and nodded. “Yeah, guess so.” He shook his head. “Ray look-“

Ray cut him off. “It’s my fault,” he interrupted. “I moved first, I’m sorry, but I just-“ he shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s so hard,” he admitted weakly.

Gerard smiled sadly. “Tell me about it.” He looked down. “I was just… so emotional and then you kissed me and I couldn’t-“

“Stop,” Ray said and Gerard nodded. “Yep, that’s about right,” he said, nodding. He groaned. “Fuck, why is this happening? We got divorced thirteen years ago, why is this so… still there?” he asked desperately. “I mean, I look at you and no matter how awkward it is and how much it’s OBVIOUS things are different, I still see someone so beautiful it hurts,” he admitted.

Gerard shook his head. “I am not,” he said and Ray shot him a look. “Ray, look,” he said, smiling sadly. “My lawyer’s going to see us Friday. After we get this divorce finalized, I honestly don’t plan on seeing you ever again,” he said and Ray was struck by how his heart lurched at the thought.

“So, do we just… wait it out?” Ray asked softly.

Gerard bit his lip. “I say… we get it out of our systems,” he said, and Ray’s eyes widened, head snapping up.

“What?!”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Ray, we were married, technically we’re still married. Obviously, we both keep snapping and kissing each other and it happened to lead to impromptu handjobs in my mom’s basement with my _family_ upstairs!” he stressed. “We’re both single adults and after Friday everything goes back to zero, we’ll be done and never see each other again.” He shrugged. “Why not?”

Ray just bit his lip. “So like… we just go for it?” he asked curiously.

Gerard blushed. “Well… I was thinking more just… don’t hold back. It’s obvious that getting emotional or intense makes us kind of want to eat each other’s faces, so why fight it since we’ve got a week and nothing to stop us?” he asked. “Maybe if I can get you out of my system, I can go on with my life.”

Ray nodded, eyeing Gerard. “Well… okay,” he said and Gerard snorted at the look on Ray’s face.

“Ray, if you think this is a bad idea just tell me,” he urged.

Ray smirked and sighed dramatically. “You just want some,” he said and Gerard laughed in surprise, shoving Ray.

“Ray!” he cried, swatting his shoulder repeatedly, only to squeak as Ray shoved him onto his back, kneeling over him as he held Gerard’s wrists. “You are such a pervert-“

“Psh, says the one who just offered ‘let’s fuck it out of our systems’ as our solution-“ 

“HEY!” Gerard squealed, then laughed. “I did not say ‘let’s fuck it out of our-‘” Ray cut him off with a kiss. Gerard’s heart fluttered and he moaned softly rather than finish his argument. Ray pulled away and smirked. “Okay, wow,” Gerard said, smiling bashfully. “I’ve missed being kissed.”

Ray snorted, sitting up. “I’ll go along with this all,” he started, releasing Gerard. “But I’m pretty sure in the back of my mind I’m gonna keep wondering that you’re just milking a few good fucks out of this,” he accused.

Gerard sighed, sitting up. “Look, I know you’re just joking, but don’t think that, okay?” he said, looking up. “I honestly think it’ll help us get over this,” he said and Ray nodded.

“I know, Gee.” He eyed him. “How about as a first attempt at not holding back, let’s just get some sleep,” he offered.

Gerard nodded, biting his lip. “Together?”

Ray nodded as he stood up. “That would be the point of the ‘not holding back’ part. You have to admit, it does feel good to hold someone again,” he pointed out.

Gerard nodded. “Okay,” he agreed, standing. “Fuck I hope this works,” he said, referring to his plan to just get it out of their systems.

Ray groaned. “Me too, dude. I have no clue how the hell we’ll manage just leaving it all tense like this if it doesn’t work.”

“Next choice of action would be memory erasing,” Gerard joked, earning a laugh as they went to their respective rooms so that Ray could change before joining Gerard.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
All night, Ray and Gerard lay perfectly still on opposite sides of the bed. The next morning, they both somewhat avoided each other. After a few hours of awkwardly not looking at each other, Ray just rolled his eyes and put down his coffee, walking over to Gerard, who was sitting at the window smoking and drinking his coffee, with clear determination. “Okay, this is ridiculous,” he said, startling Gerard somewhat.

“Wha-“ Ray cut him off by leaning down to kiss him firmly, startling a squeak from Gerard. Ray pushed his head back to kiss him thoroughly, head back against the window casing.

Ray pulled back and snagged the cigarette from Gerard’s left hand and dropped it in the nearly empty coffee mug in his right, then took it and set it on the windowsill. “Seriously, I thought we said no more awkwardness,” he said, then grabbed Gerard’s hand and tugged him up, pulling him immediately into a kiss. Gerard clung to his arms, fingers digging into Ray’s skin as Ray kissed him more thoroughly than Gerard could remember being kissed in a while.

When the kiss broke so both parties involved could _breathe_ , Gerard panted, opening his eyes. “Well the thing is,” he started, voice hoarse. “I may _say_ no more awkwardness, but I haven’t really had anybody around to instigate making out at random in like… six _years_ ,” he stressed and Ray laughed.

“Oh well, good thing I’m doing it for you,” he said, tipping Gerard’s head back to kiss him again. “Okay?” he asked, pushing his fingers through Gerard’s hair.

Gerard sighed, nodding. “Oh yeah, definitely,” he said, moaning when Ray kissed him quickly, one arm around his waist as he held him close enough that all he had to do was tilt his chin down to take possession of Gerard’s lips. Together they slowly shuffled back towards the couch, never stopping the kisses. Ray sat down and Gerard leaned down to kiss him, straddling Ray as he climbed into his lap. He curled his right hand into Ray’s hair, sliding the other across his chest. “Oh God,” he moaned as Ray’s lips slid to his throat. He let his head fall back, allowing Ray to explore the pale, white column of his throat. He gasped when Ray’s hand slid down the front of his pajama pants with clear intent. “Oh yeah,” he moaned, turning his head to kiss Ray again, looking down as he worked on undoing Ray’s pants as well. “This is a good idea,” he said and Ray groaned as Gerard pulled his dick out of his pants.

“Oh yeah.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard lay panting up at the ceiling as Ray dropped to the floor beside the couch. “Oh fuck me,” he groaned and Ray laughed from the floor.

“Maybe later,” he said and Gerard giggled, shaking his head. 

“Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve gotten head on a couch?” he asked, still blinking up at the ceiling.

Ray snorted. “I haven’t dated a dude since we got divorced, do you know how amazed I am that I still remember how to suck a dick?” he countered and Gerard snickered.

“I would say it’s not that hard or some shit about riding bicycles but my ex was so bad at giving head I usually just made up some bullshit about how it wasn’t necessary and how he had ‘amazing hands’ and shit like that.” He sighed. “God, I was so stoned it’s amazing my dick worked,” he said and Ray laughed.

“I’m sorry, that’s not funny but,” Ray cracked up. “I can’t imagine my dick not working,” he said and Gerard giggled.

“I haven’t gotten any sober since I was like… in my early twenties, dude. I’d forgotten how nice this is.” He groaned, rolling over to look over the edge at Ray. “I think I need to date again,” he said, and Ray grinned.

“What happened to being a hermit-like recluse of an artist?” he asked, hands under his head.

Gerard snickered. “I forgot how much I like sex.” He hummed. “You’re pretty good,” he said, and Ray smirked.

“Thanks,” he said, shaking his head. 

Gerard rolled his shoulders and sat up, groaning. “I need to get to work. I’ve got to have a solid idea sketched out for tomorrow,” he said and Ray nodded, sitting up, smirking when he found himself level with Gerard’s parted knees. Gerard spotted him and blushed slightly, rolling his eyes.

“Fuck you,” he said, kicking Ray lightly as he stood up and walked past him, going to grab his sketch book and his pencil case to start sketching.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard was rushing around like a whirlwind, finding sketches and organizing his portfolio while Stacey and Ray stood watching his helpless flailing. After enough was enough, Ray shook his head and went to get Gerard’s travel coffee cup. He fixed Gerard’s coffee and walked over to where he was shoving things aside, convinced he was forgetting something.

“Gerard, all your papers are in the portfolio,” he said, handing Gerard his coffee. “Drink this and take a breath.”’

Gerard looked up, eyes wild. “No! I’m telling you, I think I lost the silhouette charcoal sketch if Vanya-“

Ray snorted. “No,” he said. “You didn’t. It is in the portfolio. I promise you,” he said, then held the coffee out again. “Drink. Now.”

Gerard just whined, but did as he was told, enticed by the smell of the coffee. “You’re my favorite. Stacey, you’re replaced,” he said, drinking deeply from the travel mug. “Oh,” he moaned, sighing blissfully. “Oh God, I’d marry you if I wasn’t busy trying to divorce you,” he sighed and Ray bit his lip, snickering slightly. “How about having your babies instead?” he offered.

Ray cringed. “Ew, no thanks. The idea of a man being pregnant freaks me out,” he said, and Gerard snorted.

“Fuck that, I think it’s about time they find a way to make men share the burden of childbearing with the women of the world, it’s totally not fair-“

“Gerard, not time for a feminism rant,” Stacey cut him off. “Have Ray’s semi-legitimate children later, let’s go NOW!” she said, grabbing his elbow with one hand and his portfolio with the other. “Alright, let’s go!”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After Gerard’s meeting, he was really busy a few days. When he was out, he was in meetings. When he was at home, he was constantly drawing storyboard ideas or having Stacey reschedule paintings people wanted from him. When he was drawing, Ray found himself watching Gerard. He drew with so much focus he seemed to forget the world around him even existed. Ray could sort of remember that amount of dedication, but in a way, he was pretty sure Gerard as a kid wasn’t _that_ wrapped up in his art. It was so strange to compare Gerard as a teenager to successful, established, jaded Gerard. Ray could almost see the chubby kid he married still sitting there sometimes when Gerard would giggle at something in his own head or smile so big his teeth all showed.

It wasn’t until the night before they were meant to see the lawyer, while he was texting Bob, that Ray remembered that after tomorrow, he would be leaving and would most likely never see Gerard again. Ray couldn’t explain the way his chest seized up at the thought of never seeing Gerard again when he had expected to never see him again thirteen years before. He put away his phone and stood up, turning to head into the bedroom, where Gerard had disappeared to.

When he walked in, he spotted Gerard sitting on the bed, sketchpad in his lap as he drew something. “What’re you working on?” Ray asked, walking over.

Gerard looked up and smiled. “I’m drawing a picture of Mikey and Alicia as zombies in love to give them. Their anniversary is soon,” he said, holding it out to Ray, who crawled onto the bed, lying on his stomach beside Gerard.

Ray smiled as he examined the gaping hole in Zombie!Mikey’s chest and the human-looking heart he was holding out to Zombie!Alicia. “How long have they been married now?” he asked curiously.

Gerard smiled. “Five years this time around,” he said, shaking his head. “Never thought my baby brother would end up married for real,” he said. “They eloped, did you know?” he asked, looking at Ray. “They went off on a trip together for Mikey’s work to look at a band, and came back married.” 

Ray smiled vacantly as he watched Gerard going back to drawing, working on the detail on Alicia’s rotting flesh. “I remember you used to draw everything,” he said, smiling. “When you started art school you would draw the kitchen appliances coming alive, and you would draw my hair coming alive-“ Gerard cracked up. “You have always had the best imagination,” he said, looking up at Gerard.

Gerard shrugged, pushing his hair behind his ears. “I’m just the way I was born,” he said simply. “No reason to claim I’m anything special, I just… am,” he said modestly. “And your hair was evil, I promise,” he said, grinning a slightly sideways grin. “It was too poofy for gravity,” he said. He looked at Ray. “Now it’s longer and lays down more,” he said, reaching out to play with a few curls. “You have actual curls, not a fro,” he said.

Ray nodded. “Age. Gravity takes over, and all that,” he said. He closed his eyes as Gerard pushed his fingers through Ray’s hair a few times. He let his head lay on his crossed arms as Gerard stroked his hair for a little while, drawing with his free hand. “I remember you couldn’t sleep sometimes and I would do this to get you to sleep,” he said softly and Gerard’s hand stopped. Ray looked up and saw Gerard was smiling down at him.

“Yeah, I remember it too,” he said, tugging at a curl beside Ray’s cheek. “I’d lay on your chest and you would play with my hair and I’d listen to your heartbeat and eventually I’d fall asleep,” he said with a vacant smile. “You found out about my weakness for scalp massages almost as soon as I started school and you did it every time I couldn’t sleep,” he said, chuckling. “Hell, I think you did it the night before you left because I didn’t want to fall asleep,” he added, shaking his head. “God, I’m lucky my memories are so clear after spending the few years after that so fucked up.”

Ray sat up, looking at Gerard. “Be honest with me,” he said and Gerard looked up, eyes wide in confusion. “Why did you get so messed up?” he asked softly.

Gerard sighed. “Like I’ve told you, my life was just… too much for me,” he said softly. “I was so… scared of a future with no set course,” he admitted. “I finished college, I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have any friends in New York really, and I was alone,” he said. “My drinking became a problem soon after graduation. And then before long I met Bert,” he said, shaking his head. “I wasn’t alone anymore. And I thought that was the most amazing thing ever, no matter how bad it was. He and his buddies did everything under the sun. He got me hooked on cocaine and pills with him. I didn’t do the meth and heroin like he did because it scared me, and we just… were,” he whispered. “I did love him. It wasn’t right, he hurt me and he was what turned me into a suicidal druggy rather than a depressed alcoholic, but I can’t deny at all that I loved him,” he admitted. “Even now, I still sometimes wonder about him. I wonder if he’s even alive. I can look at his life clearly now and I still feel a part of me that wishes I could’ve helped him,” he mused. “For how fucked up and ugly everything was about him, he had the biggest heart,” he said with a small smile. “He loved me in a fucked up way. He wasn’t good for me and I know that, but in spite of his filthy exterior, inside of that man was a heart of gold buried beneath a blackened exterior. He cared about everybody and everything so much it made him want to numb his pain. His childhood was horrible, he was too young to have suffered so much like he had, and it had driven him to a bad place. I don’t forgive him for what he did to me and to himself, but I still can’t deny that I loved him,” he finished, shrugging. 

Ray shook his head. “He _beat_ you, Gerard. That’s not love,” he said softly, looking into Gerard’s eyes with a sadness that made Gerard regret the conversation.

“I said it was fucked up, but he did love me in a way. It was wrong, I should’ve left him long before that happened because he loved me, but he loved his drugs more,” he clarified.

“Gerard, he _hurt_ you!” Ray stressed. “I know you’re not stupid enough to think it was okay, but still, the fact you loved him at all floors me. He hurt you like nobody should ever hurt-“

Gerard cut Ray off with a pointed look. “I loved you and you _divorced_ me,” he said and Ray visibly flinched. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hurt you by saying this, but you have to understand, as much as Bert fucked me over, _nothing_ he did hurt me worse than being left by my husband,” he said and Ray’s eyes showed guilt. “I don’t blame you. I don’t regret us divorcing either because we wouldn’t have ever been happy like that,” he added. “But to be brutally honest, you can’t say it was wrong of me to love Bert even though he hurt me when I loved you for a long time after you broke my heart,” he said weakly, looking into Ray’s eyes. He bit his lip, stroking at Ray’s hair. “You were my world at twenty, Ray. You were my first love and I thought we were soul mates and after you left me, I cut off every memory of you because if I didn’t, I couldn’t have stopped myself from wondering what I did wrong- what I could’ve done different,” he added weakly. 

Ray shook his head. “You didn’t do anything, Gerard. You never did anything to deserve what I did to you,” he said. “I know that. I knew it when I did it. I hated myself because you were blindsided and it was like kicking a puppy, but a thousand times worse. And I did blame myself. I wondered for so long why I couldn’t be happy. I was married to the most perfect person in the world and I couldn’t just… deal with all the rest of my shit and let _you_ be enough.”

Gerard shook his head. “Love isn’t enough, Ray. I thought it was, but I knew when you told me you wanted a divorce that it had to be bad.” He laughed humorlessly. “I never once doubted that you loved me, Ray Toro,” he whispered, sliding his hand from Ray’s hair to his jaw. “I wasn’t self-doubting about something I _knew_ was real love. I knew you loved me for real the first time you ever told me when I was seventeen.”

Ray reached out and stroked Gerard’s cheek the same as Gerard’s hand on his. “I did,” he confirmed tightly. “I missed you so much,” he admitted, remembering all of the nights he couldn’t sleep without Gerard beside him. “I was just… lost. I hated myself and I tried to hate you for making me love you when I couldn’t have you and then hated myself again for giving you away.”

Gerard just shook his head. “I never hated you. You may have left me, but back then, you were the best thing to ever happen to me,” he admitted.

Ray just looked up, heart thumping as he saw the pain in Gerard’s eyes echoed that of his own heart. “You’ll always be the best thing that ever happened to me, Gerard,” he said, voice tight. Gerard’s eyes widened some and Ray couldn’t stand it anymore. He leaned in and kissed Gerard softly. Gerard screwed his eyes shut, sliding his hand to the side of Ray’s neck as he returned the kiss. As the kiss deepened, becoming more frantic, Gerard’s sketch book tumbled off the bed as Ray laid Gerard down, breaking the kiss only to let Gerard strip his tee-shirt off over his head before sliding his hands up Gerard’s, tugging it up and off of Gerard’s arms.

Ray hadn’t seen Gerard shirtless really so far. After the time in the basement and the time in the living room, a few kisses was all they had shared and neither of those times had ended in full clothing removal. He slid his hands up Gerard’s sides, leaning down to press kisses down his chest, eyes shut as he let himself _feel_. Gerard just kept his eyes shut, losing himself in the feeling as well, sliding his fingers into Ray’s hair as he kissed lower, tugging to get him to come back for another kiss.

Gerard rolled them over, straddling Ray’s thighs as he worked to undo his jeans, kissing across his broad chest. He moved so that Ray could kick his jeans off, leaning back on his elbows beside him, only to be pushed down as Ray kneeled over him, stroking his fingers through his hair as he kissed him back into the pillow, working his other hand down Gerard’s pajama pants. Gerard lifted his hips, letting Ray pull them off, leaving them both bare and staring at each other. “Ray,” Gerard breathed, reaching up to pull him down on top of him, kissing him hungrily.

Ray’s body against his was like lightening. It had been a long time since anybody had been touching him the way Ray was now. It had been even longer since it was _Ray_ on top of him, bodies pressed together from lips to legs. Gerard gave in, letting Ray’s hands and lips caress him in ways he had forgot existed. Gerard had forgotten what it was like to feel like his lover wanted to _worship_ him.

He kissed Ray hard when his lips came back. “I’m a full on cliché, but stuff’s in the drawer,” he said, and Ray eyed him for a second, before he realized what Gerard meant. He slid off of Gerard some to reach over into the drawer beside the bed, rummaging around for what he needed.

“Gerard,” Ray whispered against his lips and Gerard just nodded, pointedly spreading his legs so that Ray got the idea. He moaned, kissing Gerard firmly tipping his forehead against Gerard’s chin as he looked down to get them ready. The first feeling of fingers sliding into him was almost a surprise for Gerard. It wasn’t like he didn’t get into it himself sometimes (he had the lube for a reason, after all), but it had been so long since it wasn’t his own fingers, he could barely hold back the shivers racing up and down his spine as Ray eased him open.

“Ray,” he choked out, tugging him into a kiss again as Ray thrust his fingers into Gerard more firmly, clearly having remembered Gerard saying it had been years. Ray tossing his hair back as he moved to his knees, moving his hair so he could see to get himself ready, was one of the hottest things Gerard had ever seen. When Ray moved back into position, slowly sinking into him, Gerard gasped sharply, fingers digging into Ray’s upper arm and shoulder. It has been so long since he’d felt _anything_ half as nice as Ray inside of him.

The cascade of curls falling down around his head as Ray pushed forward to sink in, lips descending upon Gerard’s hungrily, was another thing Gerard found unreasonably sexy. As Ray shifted, his thrusts changing angle, Gerard cried out softly, back arching as his legs wrapped higher around Ray’s back. “Fuck, Gee,” Ray groaned, pulling away from his mouth long enough to find a better angle, thrusting more earnestly. Gerard gasped, moaning at the inexplicable haze that was taking up residence in his head. 

“Oh God, Ray!” he choked out, panting as Ray’s hands caressed his skin, sliding down his thigh, up his stomach, across his chest, even stroking across his cheek before sinking into his hair, tugging him into a kiss as Ray thrust harder and faster.

Gerard cried out softly as Ray’s hand closed around him. It was too much too fast. It was emotions and sex all twisting into a ball of light that was currently residing in his gut. He couldn’t help opening his eyes, only to find Ray’s eyes roving over his face. Ray saw his eyes open and moaned, kissing him. “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed, nearly doubling Gerard in half as he leaned closer, pressing their foreheads together as he made love to Gerard in a way that was full of every emotion that had been bubbling up since the beginning. “Gee, so beautiful,” he groaned and Gerard caught his lips, wrapping his arms around Ray’s shoulders. “Perfect,” Ray breathed against his lips, making Gerard whimper at the tap-dance his heart seemed to be doing inside his chest.

Gerard closed his eyes because the emotions that were pouring into him like a torrent of happiness, love, and pain were overwhelming. He could feel his body’s pleasure mounting, while the ball of light in his gut burned brighter, but in his mind, all he could see was all of the times he and Ray had made love when they were younger. It felt the _same_ between them. Ray was so loving, so tender, so obsessed with making everything amazing for _Gerard_ more than himself. When they were younger, however, there was always the promise of more.

“Shhh, don’t cry,” Ray breathed, startling Gerard’s eyes open. He could feel how slowly and gently Ray was moving within him, arms curled around him as best as he could from their position. 

Gerard sniffled, startled by the blur his tears were causing. “Ray,” he breathed weakly, curling his arms tighter around him. “Ray, don’t stop,” he breathed and Ray shook his head, kissing him so gently it nearly hurt.

“Never,” he whispered and Gerard felt more tears welling because it wasn’t true. He could feel Ray’s lips on his and could tell they were shaking too. He cupped a Ray’s face and swiped his fingers beneath Ray’s eye, not at all surprised to find a tear. He caught Ray in a kiss and shifted, making Ray resume more solid thrusts, though it was still slow and as close as they could possibly be while facing each other.

As they both grew closer and closer to their end, Gerard could feel so much emotion being poured into it that he was getting exhausted. His orgasm nearly snuck up on him. Ray kissed him, shifting just the right angle and moving his hand just the right way and Gerard broke from the kiss with a startled cry of pleasure falling from his lips as his head fell backwards. Ray groaned a few times, pushing to his own finish, only to moan Gerard’s name as he came, grinding as hard into Gerard as he could.

When they both caught their breath, Ray got up to go get a towel and dispose of the condom, only to come back and find Gerard staring at the ceiling with drying tear tracks on his cheeks, clearly lost in thought. He slid into the bed and kissed Gerard as he wiped at the mess on his belly. “Baby,” he whispered and Gerard let out a strangled sound, hiding his face in Ray’s neck as Ray held him close. “Shhh, I know.”

Gerard just whimpered weakly, clinging to Ray as he fought the tears he refused to weep over something long in the past. He sniffled, head tucked under Ray’s chin, nose pressed against his collarbone. “That was amazing,” he whispered, and Ray chuckled softly.

“Yeah, it was,” he said, then stroked Gerard’s hair back, looking into his eyes. “You’re so perfect,” he breathed, kissing him between the eyes. “Never let anybody tell you anything else, Gee. Promise me you’ll never forget how perfect and beautiful and amazing you are,” he said, pressing their foreheads together as he curled nearly around Gerard, legs tangled together firmly.

Gerard nodded, freeing a hand to slide into the back of Ray’s hair to kiss him. “After tomorrow, please promise me something,” he said and Ray hummed. Gerard bit his lip, fighting a whimper. “Don’t ever forget how much you meant to me.” He could feel Ray deflate some. “I should’ve told you when it mattered, but back then, you were my world. I loved you so much it hurt. Losing you just hurt,” he said and Ray shook his head weakly. 

“I know, Gee,” he said, curling his arms to pull Gerard into him, so that they were wound together, without an inch between them. “Sleep. We’ve got to get up early tomorrow,” he said and Gerard nodded.

“I don’t regret seeing you again,” Gerard whispered sleepily, just before his eyes fluttered shut. 

However, he was only slightly asleep when he heard the words that he knew he would never forget. “Deep down, Gerard, I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I never have and I doubt I will,” Ray whispered, and then Gerard knew no more.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Ray woke up, it was to the sight of Gerard sitting against the pillows beside him, still naked, with a sketchpad in his lap. He didn’t move or make any other attempt to let Gerard know he was awake. He simply lay watching him, only to smile when Gerard glanced up and started at the sight of Ray’s open eyes. “Oh, hey,” Gerard said, cheeks slightly pink as he smiled.

“Morning,” Ray said, and Gerard ducked his head. “What time is it?” he asked.

Gerard yawned. “Early. I just… woke up and felt like drawing,” he said, glancing up at Ray, then down at his pad as he sketched some more.

Ray lifted up onto an elbow. “What’re you drawing?” he asked, leaning over, only to feel his breath catch in his throat as he spotted the sketch.

It was of himself, lying asleep on the pillows. The covers were halfway up his ribs, showing off his broad shoulder and some of the muscles of his back as his arm was curled to his chest, clutching at the pillow. He had curls cascading down the hollow between his shoulder and neck, though his face was mostly uncovered. The one thing that stood out was the hand curled on the pillow and the ring on his right ring finger. Gerard’s details were so clear that the brushing of chest hair visible between his arm and the covers was even accounted for. He could see that, currently, Gerard was adding shading to his curls.

Ray looked up, smiling. “That’s amazing,” he said, and Gerard smiled sadly.

“You’re a good subject,” he said, shrugging offhandedly. He glanced up. “Ray…” he started hesitantly, then ducked his head. “Why do you really still wear your ring?” he asked.

Ray sighed, rolling onto his back. “I just can’t take it off,” he admitted, not even bothering to lie. “I’ve worn it basically every day for fifteen years and I just… can’t not.” He looked over at Gerard. “Nobody else really notices it, besides you.”

Gerard sighed. “Why?” he asked more firmly, looking down at his drawing as he shaded something else.

Ray bit his lip, sitting up. “Gerard-“

“Ray,” he countered, looking at him fiercely.

Ray put his elbows on his knees, placing his head in his hands. “Because I never let you go,” he admitted softly. He glanced up and Gerard saw nothing but pain and regret in Ray’s eyes. Gerard felt his breath catch and he ducked his head, fighting back a whimper.

“Fuck,” he said, shaking his head. He pushed his hair back and sniffled, tapping at his knee. “This is all just… too much,” Gerard said weakly.

Ray sighed. “We’re getting divorced today, aren’t we?” he asked, and Gerard flinched.

“Yeah, after lunch we’re meeting with my lawyer, Dave,” he said softly. He shook his head. “Why are we doing this to ourselves?” he asked softly, glancing over at Ray. “You’re leaving _tonight_ ,” he said, and Ray just shook his head.

“I just wish- I wish we’d have talked about this when there was still more time.” Ray turned to face Gerard, who was still shading the sketch, though his lips were pressed into a thin line. “Gerard…” He took a breath and closed his eyes. “I still love you,” he whispered.

Gerard flinched, looking up. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked, shaking his head. “Just… Fuck Ray, why would you say that? We’re getting divorced _today_!” He bit his lip. “I thought this was over thirteen years ago. You don’t get to make me wish it wasn’t,” he said weakly.

Ray looked at the glint of unshed tears in Gerard’s eyes, making them green, and he reached out, taking his hand. “Gee,” he said, and Gerard glanced up. “I know, this is crazy, I know it’s not fair of me.” He paused and took a deep breath. “But let’s not,” he said, and Gerard frowned in confusion. “Let’s just… put this off for a while,” he said and Gerard’s eyes widened. 

“What, not get divorced?!” he cried, groaning as he dropped his head to his lap. “Ray, no, just… you don’t get to do this!” he cried, eyes full of tears. “Not now. Not after everything-“

“Gerard, clearly, there’s still something there,” Ray said, looking at him. “You know there is. Why not? Why should we not at least try? We’re both single, we’ve both failed at finding anybody else, and when we divorced, it wasn’t a matter of resentment, or falling apart. We still loved each other just as much as ever-“

Gerard looked up. “But nothing’s changed besides that, Ray!” He sniffled, tears slipping down his cheeks. “Yes, now that I’ve had you back in my life, I still feel something for you. It’s still there. But so is everything else,” he said. “I still live in New York. You still hate New York for more than a visit. You have a successful life in Chicago, a successful career, and you’re _happy_! I’m more successful now than ever and I have a life here. What do you think?!” he asked, climbing out of bed, still naked. “You’re exactly right! We didn’t divorce because we hated each other, or we didn’t love each other, we divorced because _you_ weren’t happy and guess what! Now you are! Somewhere else, somewhere I’m not.” He shook his head, waving a hand. “What do you think? That we’ll stay married, get back together, and everything magically work out when we live hundreds of miles apart? How does that work?” he asked pointedly.

Ray slid to the edge of the bed, reaching out for his hand. “Gerard,” he said, and Gerard snatched away, shaking his head.

“The first time was bad enough, Ray,” he shouted, pacing. “Losing you nearly killed me, Ray. It nearly _killed_ me! I’m not going to just- just let you worm your way back into my life and make me try again and then lose you again,” he choked out.

Ray stood up with a hard mask of pain on his face. “Gerard,” he whispered, touching his hip, sighing when he caught Gerard against his chest, where he collapsed, crying into Ray’s collarbone. “I know,” he whispered, and Gerard just cried, clinging to him hard. “I know, and you’re right. It wouldn’t work, would it?” he asked, biting his lip against the lump in his throat. He laid his head against Gerard’s hair, holding him.

“I hate this,” Gerard sobbed weakly. “All I’ve done in the last two weeks is fucking _cry_ ,” he choked out, shoulders heaving.

Ray just smiled sadly, kissing the top of his head. “You were always more emotional than a lot of us are,” he whispered, holding him. “It’s why your art is so good. You feel things the rest of us can’t feel as much.”

“I hate it,” Gerard whispered. “I’m sick of hurting. Every time I stop hurting, something makes it hurt again.”

Ray just closed his eyes, letting a tear slide into Gerard’s hair. “I’m sorry I ever hurt you.” He sighed and stroked a hand down Gerard’s back, kissing his hair. “We’ll get divorced. I’ll leave tonight and I won’t bother you anymore. You can shut out the pain again and eventually, it will be better, I promise,” he agreed.

Gerard just let out a weak sob. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and Ray shook his head.

“It’s not your fault, Gerard. None of it is your fault.” They stood holding each other, Gerard eventually calming down, for a while. Eventually, when it was time to get ready to go meet with the lawyer, Ray came to Gerard, who was buttoning his vest. 

“For what it’s worth, I just wanted to tell you that I love you,” he said and Gerard smiled sadly. “You’re the most perfect person in the world and I’m sorry everything ended this way.”

Gerard nodded, leaning up for a small kiss. “Don’t be sorry for something that you can’t help, Ray,” he said. Ray looked down and pulled him into one last kiss. They both knew that it was their last kiss, so they made it last. By the time they broke apart, it was time to leave.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Dave handed them the final papers and a pen, Gerard signed, then handed it to Ray, flinching when he saw Ray’s ring still on his finger as he signed the papers on all the dotted lines. “So, is this it?” Gerard asked. “I mean, no more repeats of last time?” he asked.

Dave shook his head. “No, this should be good. With a no-contest divorce, as long as you’ve agreed to what you’re signing, filing it is all that’s necessary really. Since it’s Friday, I can’t file until next week, and there’s some ahead of yours so it may be nearly the end of the week until then, but unlike the first lawyer, I won’t misplace my papers, so no reason for you to worry. If anything goes wrong, I’ll be able to mail anything I need to Ray.” He looked between them as Ray looked at the papers one last time and passed it to him. “Well, congratulations, gentlemen, you’re nearly divorced now,” he said with a smile.

Gerard offered him a false one back. “Thanks, Dave, you’re a lifesaver,” he said, then glanced over at Ray, who was looking down at the arm of the chair. “Well, you’ve got to pack before your flight, so we should probably get going,” he said, and Ray nodded.

“Thanks,” he said, shaking the lawyer’s hand before turning to head out ahead of Gerard. Dave shot Gerard a look and Gerard just sighed, shaking his hand as he turned to follow Ray.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard stood in the doorway as Ray found all of his randomly spread around things, packing them away with his other things. “Got it all?” Gerard asked as Ray stood up, hands on his hips as he looked around, seeming satisfied.

Ray nodded, sighing. “I’m ready to go,” he said, interrupted from saying anything else by a knock at the door.

Gerard smiled sadly. “That’ll be Stacey,” he said, turning to go answer the door. 

Gerard wasn’t going with them to the airport. Stacey was taking Ray and then going home for the afternoon, giving Gerard some time alone. Gerard knew she could tell something had changed. He got the idea that she knew how hard this all had been on him and he loved her for giving him space. She was really more than just his assistant sometimes and he loved her to death for being the friend he needed and keeping him sane.

Stacey hugged Gerard when he opened the door. “I think he’s about ready,” he said, and she nodded understandingly. When Ray walked out, she greeted him.

“I’ll take this downstairs, you guys… say goodbye and shit,” she said, taking his bag as she left.

Ray looked down at Gerard, who fidgeted. “So,” he said and Gerard smiled, nodding. “Goodbye,” he offered, and Gerard nodded.

“Just… can you do me a favor?” he asked and Ray tilted his head. Gerard swallowed thickly. “Can you just promise not to forget me?” he asked softly.

Ray gasped weakly, reaching out to pull Gerard into his arms. Gerard wrapped his arms around him tightly, clinging for one last moment. “Never, baby. Never,” he said, and Gerard nodded.

“Me either,” he said, and Ray smiled weakly when they pulled apart. 

“I have to go,” he said, and Gerard nodded, wiping at his nose.

“Yeah, um, you do that. Goodbye,” he said, and Ray smiled.

“Bye, Gee,” he said, and Gerard smiled back, watching him walk out, shutting the door behind himself.

Gerard ran to the window and looked down at the street, watching until Ray emerged from the building and hugged Stacey before climbing into the car with her. As the car drove off, Gerard watched it until it was out of sight, before turning and walking away, carefully closing off the part of his brain that had been centered on Ray. It was painful, but he had to do it to stop the pain from spreading.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard felt alone. 

As he walked through his apartment, he kept expecting to hear another person. A month with someone else in his house had left it feeling so empty once they were gone. Sunday, Lance came over for a session, and looked around. “Hey, did your ex leave?” he asked, and Gerard flinched.

“We got divorced-divorced,” he said simply, then directed Lance to get undressed.

Lance pouted. “Aww, that’s too bad. He was cute. I liked looking at him,” he said, taking off his clothes. “He was a really nice guy. Shame he had to leave.” He looked up and saw Gerard standing at the window, staring out. He frowned. “Gerard?” he asked. “Are you okay?”

Gerard just bit his lip, shaking his head. “I suddenly don’t feel good. We can do this another time,” he said, turning his head away. “Um, just see yourself out,” he said, snagging his phone before shutting himself in the bathroom. He sniffled and slid to the floor. He dialed Mikey’s number and waited for him to answer.

“Gee, I’m sorta busy. I’m in LA with Pete-“

“Just talk to me, Mikes,” he said, sniffling as he let his head fall back against the wall, looking up and breathing through his nose to stop the tears.

Mikey paused. “Gerard, are you okay?” he asked in a lowered voice.

Gerard sighed, sniffling. “I’m okay, I’m okay, I just… I think I’m having a panic attack? Maybe? Just… talk to me. What’re you doing with Pete in LA?” he asked.

“Shit, is somebody there?” Mikey asked. “Is Stacey there? Is Ray?” he asked.

Gerard inhaled sharply, swallowing hard. “Ray’s gone. We divorced Friday,” he said softly.

Mikey just groaned. “Fuck, why didn’t you call me? Are you okay? I mean, this shit’s been really tough on you,” he said.

Gerard just groaned, letting his head thump against the wall as he rubbed a hand over his face. “You have no idea.”

“Want to talk about it? I mean, is he _gone_ gone? You guys not gonna keep in touch?” he asked.

Gerard sighed. “The kind where the door is shut, locked, and never to be thought of again. And I’d rather not. It was...difficult to say the least.” He closed his eyes and breathed. “It was starting to feel too much like old times at the end. I had stopped remembering he wasn’t the dorky best friend from high school anymore and we were… friends, I guess. It was just… so hard, Mikey.”

“And you had sex,” he said, and Gerard’s eyes snapped open.

“WHAT?!” he squeaked, and Mikey snickered. “No, what do you mean-“

“Oh come on, you really think I didn’t go to follow you after you stormed off at dinner that night? I was halfway down the stairs and heard WAY more than I ever wanted to hear and kind of ran for it and just pretended it never happened.” He paused. “I’m not wrong, am I?” he asked.

Gerard snorted. “No, no you’re not,” he said, shaking his head. “And that wasn’t the only time,” he admitted. “It was too much. It was… wrong. And when I was asleep, well… almost asleep, I could still hear Ray, and he whispered that he would probably never stop loving me,” he admitted, not at all surprised by the sharp intake of breath on Mikey’s end.

“Holy fuck.”

Gerard chuckled humorlessly. “I’m just glad it’s behind me. I can shut him back away into that box with the thousand locks and get back to my life.”

Mikey hummed. “Is that going to work?” he asked.

Gerard sighed, looking down at his hands. “It worked last time, didn’t it? It’ll just… it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.” He looked at the toilet and hummed. “What do you think about a character that turns into a butt-chomping toilet? Like, it poses as a plain old toilet and as soon as you go to take a dump, it like… eats you ass first?” he asked, changing the topic.

Mikey just laughed. “Holy shit, that would _suck_! Sounds great though. Only if you have killer shower curtains as well. They can like, come alive and smother someone in the shower,” he said, and Gerard laughed at the mental image. As they continued to talk, Gerard couldn’t deny that Mikey always made him feel better when he was down.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Gerard couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he should’ve given Ray a chance. He could barely work without finding himself being distracted by Ray’s face, or Ray’s smile, or his curls… he couldn’t stop thinking. It wasn’t like the first time. This time, he _couldn’t_ shut Ray out of his thoughts.

It was Tuesday, the divorce should be filed by now, so Gerard knew it was useless to allow for the thoughts that he should find a way to call Ray, or talk to him, and maybe give him the chance he had wanted. However, he couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he had made a mistake. In spite of it all, for the most part, since he’d spoken to Mikey, he had been mostly okay. No more breakdowns. He’d even worked with Lance and had no problems this time.

It wasn’t until about two in the morning that he broke. Gerard had been searching in his closet for an old scarf he wanted to put on Lance the next day during their session, digging through the top of his closet, when he came across a box full of old drawings. He dragged it down, walking to sit on his bed and sort through it. When he came across the first sketch of Ray, he felt his heart freeze. He knew it was best he stop, but he couldn’t help himself. Digging through, he found countless sketches of all of them, Ray, Mikey, Frankie, even his mother. 

He found random cartoons, he found Frank as Fail!Batman, he found a sketch of what appeared to be meatloaf and mashed potatoes ( _seriously, what he fuck?_ he thought to himself), and he even found a drawing of a shoe. In amongst the drawings, he found the envelope containing his acceptance letter from college. He smiled, shaking his head as he set it aside. It was nice to have the memories of a much more simple time of his life.

However, the next thing he found was the sketch that had started _everything_ with Ray. He found the drawing of Ray as a naked human-plant mutant. Gerard felt his throat closing and his chest tightening as he looked at it. “It sorta does look like you’re eating a bunny,” he whispered, closing his eyes to set it aside. He reached in and, in amongst some random sketches, he found an envelope.

He drew it out with shaking fingers as he recognized it instantly. He saw his name on the outside, written in Ray’s messy scrawl and felt his heart breaking all over again. He lifted the flap and grabbed the edge of the paper inside it. He pulled it out, letting out a strangled sound as he read the words he remembered so well. The ink was smeared from his own tears from thirteen years back, but they were quickly joined by a few from the current day.

_I will always love you. Don’t forget me_

Gerard looked at the envelope and bit back broken sobs as he picked it up. He could feel a lump and knew, without looking, what would fall out when he tipped it up over his hand. As he did so, he couldn’t restrain the sob of _despair_ that escaped his lips as he dumped the envelope’s contents into his palm and out tumbled his wedding band. 

Gerard sat staring down at it, eyes blurred by endless tears. He couldn’t even feel ashamed of crying so much because his heart was breaking in a way he couldn’t even remember the first time feeling. He looked at it and felt more pain than he could bear. He sobbed openly as he grabbed the ring and examined it. He looked at his hand and knew he had to do it. He lifted his left hand and carefully slid his ring onto his finger, gasping shakily when it still fit.

He closed his eyes and fell back onto the bed, shoving everything off, not even caring where the box and its contents landed as he curled into a ball, crying out all of the pain, all of the memories, all of it. He hurt so much it was hard to _breathe_. He rolled over, stopping when he looked out and spotted his sketchpad on the bed stand. He sniffled pitifully as he sat up, reaching for it. He opened it, ripping out sketches left and right, throwing them around the room, crying as he did so.

However, the last sketch he came to made him stop. It was the drawing of Ray asleep that last morning he was there. He looked down at his hand and at Ray’s in the sketch and felt his heart _throb_. “Fuck,” he gasped. He quickly tossed down the sketch pad, rushing from his room to the kitchen counter, where his phone was charging. He skidded to a stop, socked feet sliding on the tiles. He snatched it up and dialed Mikey’s number, pacing back and forth as he wiped tears off his face.

“Gee? Fuck, it’s like, two in the morning, jackass. I’m back in Jersey,” he groaned. “Shhh, go back to sleep, Leesh, it’s just Gee,” he said, and Gerard felt momentary guilt, though it was masked by his urgency.

“Mikey, tell me I’m crazy,” he choked out, pacing. “Tell me I’m crazy and this is a bad idea and I shouldn’t do it.”

“What?” Mikey asked, then his voice sounded urgent. “Gee, what are you doing?” he asked, clearly frightened.

Gerard took a deep breath. “I think- I think I need to call my lawyer and stop the divorce,” he said quickly.

Mikey groaned. “What? Why, did something go wrong with the papers? Are they wrong or something-“

“I’m thinking about going after him,” Gerard whispered, and Mikey audibly froze. “Mikes?”

“Gee… what are you saying?” Mikey asked.

Gerard let out a choked sound, though this time he felt hopeful. “The morning before he left, he wanted to not get the divorce. He asked me for a chance. He told me he was still in love with me and that we should try it out before we divorced because clearly there was still something there. I wanted it all over, I hurt too much to not end it, but- but now that he’s gone, I miss him more than anything,” he said wetly. “And I had a chance, I may still have a chance. I mean… I mean this happened for a reason, right?!” he asked, pacing still. “Maybe this was a chance at being happy, Mikey? I think- I think I want to go after Ray because- because I lost him once without a fight,” he cried softly. “I gave him up and didn’t fight and this time- maybe this time I am getting a chance to fight for him?” he asked weakly.

Mikey was just quiet. “Gerard… do whatever you think is best,” he said, and Gerard smiled, knowing it wasn’t a full on ‘oh my God, you’re insane’, which was the best he could hope for.

“Thank you, Mikey, I love you, thanks, I gotta call my lawyer-“

“It’s two in the morning!”

“I’ve called him at home for less, trust me,” Gerard said, hanging up quickly. He paced, wiping at his eyes and clearing his throat. “Holy shit, holy shit, I’m doing this, oh God, I’m insane,” he chanted to himself, dialing Dave’s number.

When Dave answered, his voice was gruff. “If you’re not in jail and this is your phone call, I’m going to kill you, Gerard. And then charge you five hundred dollars,” he groaned.

“So, um, have you filed those divorce papers yet?” Gerard asked quickly.

“What? Fuck, Gerard, they’ll be filed by noon, just go the fuck to sleep! I’ll tell you when you’re good and divorced, don’t freak out-“

“I need you to stop the process,” Gerard said, and Dave whimpered.

“I hate you so hard, Gerard Way. I’m charging you an extra fifteen hundred for this, you know-“

“I don’t care, I’m good for it,” Gerard said, sighing. “Just… can you promise me you’ll stop them?”

“Yes, yes, the courier hasn’t taken them to the judge, he’s coming tomorrow, so just… fuck, I’ll pull them tomorrow and shred them. You better be serious about this shit,” he grunted, and Gerard laughed softly.

“I’m so serious, Dave, you can’t imagine,” he said, then sighed. “Thank you, Dave, sorry for waking you, tell the wife I’m sorry,” he said, hanging up. He walked to his bedroom and dialed Stacey.

She answered with a growl. “If you’re not dying, I’m going to kill you.”

“Stacey, um, you always book my flights,” he said softly. “I need help.”

She was quiet. “Why are you booking a flight?” she asked, sounding very awake suddenly. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “I just… Okay, promise not to freak out?” he asked.

“Oh God, what did you do, Gerard?” she asked worriedly. “Fuck, I’ll be right there, just stay calm-“ He cut her off as he heard her fumbling around.

“NO, no, Stacey, I’m fine!” he said. “I’m going after Ray,” he said, and she got silent. “Like, okay, so the morning we signed the papers he’d asked me not to, he’d asked for a chance, and it hurt too badly to have him around so I just wanted to end it, right? But then he left and I kinda hurt more and then I just found my wedding ring and-“ he laughed lightly. “I have to go after him. I should’ve done this thirteen years ago,” he gushed.

“Jesus fuck,” she whined. “I thought you had like… fucked up and relapsed or something. Jesus Christ, okay, sure. O’Hare, right? I can book you one for tomorrow,” she said.

“The first one,” he said softly. “First one you can get me on with allowance for time through security. I’m looking for my bag now,” he said, rifling through the piles of crap in his closet.

“Christ, Gerard, what about the divorce-“

He laughed. “I had Dave stop it. I called him just before you and he’s agreed to not send them out tomorrow. He is a lifesaver,” he said, then made a triumphant noise as he found his bag. “Alright, so, I’m going to pack now, call me as soon as you know something,” he said, hanging up without another word, knowing Stacey _hated_ when he did that.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The flight was intense. Gerard spent the entire time terrified that Ray would turn him down. He was sleepy, he was coffee-deprived, he needed a cigarette so bad it wasn’t funny, and most of all, he was scared shitless because, for the first time since he got sober, he wasn’t sure what the fuck he was doing. He kept playing the scenario of Ray turning him away as far from the forefront of his thoughts as possible, but he couldn’t erase it all together.

When he finally got off the plane, he promptly got a cab. He could remember where Ray and Bob lived, thankfully. It killed him to not even know if Ray would be there when he got there. The idea of sitting around on the sidewalk like a bum, waiting for Ray to come home, was killing him. He had no idea how Ray would react. On one hand, he figured Ray would be happy. But it was always possible Ray had shut him away. That option was enough to make him want to cry.

When he got to the corner of Ray’s street, he promptly paid the driver and started to pull out a cigarette, only to stop when he spotted Ray and Bob both walking towards the apartment from the train. “Fuck,” he whispered, because this was it, this was real. He was actually about to do this. 

Gerard tossed his pack of cigarettes back into his shoulder bag and started across the street, hands in his pockets as he walked towards them. He was nearly twenty-feet from them before Ray looked up, smiling at something Bob said, only to freeze, stopping in his tracks, smile sliding off his face. “Gerard!” he said in surprise, and Bob looked up, eyebrows climbing nearly into his bangs.

Gerard walked over, offering Ray a smile. “Hey, Ray,” he said, and Ray just stared until Bob bumped him.

“I’ll be inside,” he said, shooting Ray a look as he headed inside.

Ray turned back to Gerard, eyes still wide and confused. “What’re you doing here? Did something go wrong with the divorce?” he asked.

Gerard bit his lip, fighting a smile as he looked up at Ray. “Yeah,” he said, and Ray sighed. Gerard looked up at him. “The problem with the divorce,” he started, stepping closer. “Is that we signed the papers and agreed to it,” he said, and Ray looked up, frowning.

“What? What’re you-“ Gerard cut him off by stepping up to kiss him gently, chin tipped up to Ray’s. “What?” Ray said weakly, frowning when Gerard fell back onto his heels.

Gerard looked up at him with so much love in his eyes his entire face glowed. “I should’ve never let you walk out thirteen years ago, Ray,” he said earnestly. “Friday, when you asked me to give us a chance, I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again,” he admitted. “But when you were gone, I hurt worse than I had when you left me the first time,” he admitted. “I thought so hard about what would’ve happened, what could’ve been, and then I realized… maybe it’s what _should_ be,” he said. Ray just looked shocked. “Maybe this was something out there telling us we weren’t meant to be divorced, I don’t know, but I know one thing,” he said, smiling up at Ray.

“What?” Ray asked, nearly whispering.

Gerard smiled weakly. “I love you just as much right now as I did the day I married you,” he admitted in a strained voice.

Ray just smiled. “Fuck, I love you too,” he gushed, leaning down to kiss Gerard. “Fuck, but what does this mean, I mean… why now?” he asked.

Gerard took his hands out of his pocket and held up his left hand. Ray gasped when he spotted Gerard’s ring on his finger. “I found this and the note you left me the day you left,” he said. “And it made me realize that-“ he swallowed hard. “That I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t let you leave again without fighting for you to stay. I couldn’t live my life without at least _trying_ and-“

Ray cut him off with a kiss, curling his arms around him, pulling him close. Gerard just sank into the kiss, curling his arms around Ray’s neck. Ray pulled back, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you so much,” he whispered, smiling so widely Gerard couldn’t help but return it. “I never stopped, fuck, I know the past is the past, but I know that my future won’t ever be as happy of a future if I’m not with you,” he gushed, and Gerard laughed wetly.

“God, I feel the same,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t know how this can work, I don’t know what we’re gonna do, but I can’t lose you again,” he said, stroking Ray’s hair back from his face as he leaned back in Ray’s arms to look up at his face. “We can find a way to make this work,” he said, and Ray nodded.

“Definitely. Fuck, I’ll make a way, whatever I have to do,” he said, holding Gerard close. “I love you, I love you so much and I will do whatever it takes,” he said, just holding him.

Gerard just smiled happily, tucking his face into Ray’s neck, one hand around his shoulders, the other holding the back of his hair. “We’ll work it out, we’ll figure something out, I know we will, I just can’t give you away again.” He shook his head. “I’ll find some way to- Fuck, I don’t even know, I just-“

Ray laughed and smiled down at him, stroking his hair back before he shut Gerard up mid rant the same way Gerard had done him the first day they had gotten together. “Just shut up and kiss me, you bastard,” he said, earning a bright smile before Gerard closed the gap, doing exactly what Ray asked of him.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Epilogue:

“Hey Ray, where’s Gerard?” Mikey asked, walking over to Ray, Frank and Alicia on his heels. “They’re unveiling his centerpiece soon,” he said.

Ray shrugged. “He found some fan of his and has been chatting with her for ages. I saw them last going to find a pen so he could draw out something for her,” he said with a fond smile.

Working out how to be married when they lived hundreds of miles apart wasn’t easy, but they worked it out. Flights between New York and Chicago were inconvenient, but not all that expensive. Ray was living with Gerard in his loft, but he still kept his old room at Bob’s because he had to work in Chicago often enough. Life in New York wasn’t as bad since he had a successful career and didn’t mind working there now that he was happy with his job.

They had discussed, after halting their divorce, whether or not they should just start over, trying a long distance relationship without actually moving in together, just to be sure. However, after Ray spent most of his time with Gerard and most of his things had wandered to Gerard’s apartment anyways, he decided to just move in. 

The discussion about whether or not to stay ‘married’ or just be dating with the knowledge that they had a legally binding contract with the state of New Jersey was one that was hard to decide. Neither of them really wanted to just ignore the fact they were married, but they both knew it wasn’t like they could pretend they had ACTUALLY been married for fifteen years rather than for two with a thirteen year hiatus. They both wanted to wear their wedding rings and they didn’t want to get divorced and start over, because they both hoped that they would be able to make it work this time around and divorcing and marrying again was kind of pointless. They chose, instead to consider each other their husband but not dwell on the technicalities of it. It was just a law anyways.

Shortly after getting back together, Gerard had gotten a request to do some more art for the same gallery his art had been in when Ray first had arrived when they were waiting for their divorce. He was busy with working on storyboards for the upcoming issue of his comic series, but he still accepted, since the gallery had always been good to him, and the director always featured Gerard’s art to be auctioned off for charities.

Ray had been called back to do some work in Chicago, so the whole week leading up to Gerard finishing the pieces for the gallery, he wasn’t at home. He was excited for the main piece of Gerard’s collection to be revealed, because he had missed Gerard working on it and Gerard had refused to explain, saying it was a surprise. It was nearly time, but Gerard was still off with a fan somewhere.

Frank looked up. “Dude, do any of you see Jamia?” he asked, looking around. “Looks like two wives are missing,” he said, and Mikey and Alicia snickered.

Ray rolled his eyes. “Don’t call Gee a girl,” he said, looking around as well. “Where the hell is he?” he mumbled, only to smile when he heard a loud, distinct laugh from around the corner, which was quickly followed by Gerard and a girl with glasses walking towards them.

Gerard looked stunning. He had on another one of his favorite combinations of black jeans, white shirt, and a black vest, complete with a black tie. He thought it looked more appropriate, but to Ray, he just looked adorably small. Ray didn’t even notice he was staring with a dorky smile on his face until Gerard waved as the girl left his side and then turned to them, catching Ray’s gaze. He smiled an equally large, dorky smile, walking over to his side. “You look so cute when you’re looking at me all goofy,” he said, leaning up to peck Ray’s lips.

Ray just ducked his eyes, blushing slightly. “I can’t help you’re beautiful,” he said and Gerard grinned, eyes twinkling at the compliment.

Gerard just smirked. “If anybody looks sexy, it’s you, dude,” he said, fiddling with Ray’s collar. “Maroon is a good color on you,” he said, sliding his hands across Ray’s chest, straightening his shirt. “I think you’re actually taller in those shoes,” he said, humming.

Ray rolled his eyes. “I’m not taller. I’m not even that tall,” he said, then slid his arm around Gerard’s waist. “Besides, Mikey had something to tell you,” he said, and Mikey rolled his eyes.

“Too late, I have to puke at your sappy-“

“I can still be an only child,” Gerard warned and Mikey snorted.

“Whatever, they’re unveiling your centerpiece soon. You kinda have to be at least standing close by so people can compliment you.”

Gerard beamed. “Come on then,” he urged, grabbing Ray and Mikey’s hands, tugging them in the direction of his exhibit. “C’mon, c’mon!” he said, looking positively bouncy as they made their way through the people.

When they got to the end, the gallery director smiled at Gerard. “We were just waiting on you,” he said, and Ray and Mikey stood with the smattering of the people in attendance who had congregated to see Gerard Way’s centerpiece unveiled. “Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention,” the director started. “Earlier this summer, Mr. Way had a piece on exhibit which was titled ‘My Journey’ and was one of our highest bided items of all times,” he said, and Ray smiled at the gleeful look on Gerard’s face. “Tonight’s piece, ‘My Destination’, is what Mr. Way himself described as a sequel of sorts to the previous piece. It was described as the sunshine after a long storm by a critic while the paintings were being hung this week, and it’s my pleasure to unveil what I truly believe may be one of the most moving portraits ever to hang in this gallery,” he announced with a note of pride before, allowing the assistants to remove the cloth that was covering the painting. There was a modicum of applause and a few delighted sounds, but Ray’s jaw simply dropped. 

The portrait in question was a replica of the sketch he had woken up to find Gerard drawing the day he left New York. It was painted in black and white, but with so much detail it almost looked like a photograph, right down to the fine lines around his eyes and the hairs on his arm. He studied the recreation of himself and wasn’t sure even _he_ would’ve thought to add some of the tiniest details Gerard had.

He was distracted from studying the painting by a hand on his arm. “What do you think?” Gerard asked softly, looking up at him with hopeful but apprehensive eyes. “I know I should’ve asked to use you, but it’s just so-“

Ray cut him off with a small kiss. “It’s amazing,” he said, smiling to match Gerard’s wide, happy, glowing smile. “God, you’re so talented,” he said, shaking his head as he pulled him into a hug, kissing his head. “Seriously, how are you real?” he asked, pressing their noses together.

Gerard just bit his lip, shrugging. Ray didn’t miss the playful glint in his eyes. “Maybe I’m not? Maybe I’m imaginary? Or a vampire or something,” he said, and Ray chuckled.

“Well, I love you, so if you’re not, don’t tell me,” he said, catching Gerard’s lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

“Okay, I won’t,” Gerard said and Ray laughed, shaking his head as he straightened up, slinging an arm around his shoulders as they walked a few feet forward so that people could come congratulate Gerard on his achievements. Ray glanced down at Gerard as he spoke animatedly to a guy and couldn’t help the thought flittering around his head.

_I’m home._


End file.
